Learning how to believe I’m good enough still feels like walking on a tightrope. Each step is calculated and timid. Fearing the fall into the dark abyss of my past, I move cautiously. Breath held, hands shaking, arms outstretched for balance as I try not to look down. When can I relax, breathe, and trust in myself that all will be well? When will I float above the tightrope with the grace of a ballerina, light on her toes?
Eating disorder symptoms are often driven by the belief - wait no, the knowing - that you’re inadequate and unacceptable. I’ve released all of the powerfully impairing behaviors that dictated my life when I was suffering from an eating disorder. I’m so grateful that I got out of that never-ending cycle, but the truth is, when the behaviors are long gone, the beliefs still linger.
Starving, bingeing, purging, and compulsively exercising somehow successfully manage to both deny and exacerbate the core belief that you’re wildly messed up. As a recovering perfectionist, I made a pact with myself that I would try to find the in between. The place in the middle between perfect and failure. That place called good enough.
At first, good enough started letting me off the hook a little. Easing up, letting go, releasing the A+ mentality. And yet, the voice - that mean, cruel asshole that lives in my head reminds me that good enough is a C, it’s average, it’s plain. But there are no teachers with red ink grading me. I control the red pen, and I’m a merciless grader.
That red pen strives to control me. It wants me to go back and make corrections. To make a cake from scratch for my child’s birthday, rather than a box cake. The red pen tells me I’ve failed my preschooler based on his lack of mastery of the alphabet and numbers. His older brother, my first born was far ahead of him by now. I took the time for my oldest; there’s a baby book to prove it. But the third child, I often feel he’s left to figure it out on his own. I've failed.
Much like a grade card is divided into subjects, my life is as well. I get graded on the following subjects: Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Neighbor, Friend, Writer, Therapist, Pet Owner. Formerly my classes were: Thinness, Prettiness, Popularity, Guys, Grades, Approval. I got pissed off enough to shred that grade card, and I'm ready to do the same with this one.
I’m laying down the pen. I’m laying down the belief, again, that there is a standard for any of this that matches up with my value system. They say in the end, all that matters is how well we gave and received love. I’ve seen this first-hand. In the end, it was true, all that was left was love, and it was beyond enough.
Love is my antidote to perfectionism. Just love. I don’t want how well I’ve loved others to be measured in a cake, or how high they can count, or if there are perfect baby books. My love is infinite and unable to be quantified.
So every time that red pen wants to grade my performance, I’m going to draw a big red heart. Inside that heart I’m going to write down what matters most: Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Neighbor, Friend, Writer, Therapist, Pet Owner. I’m going to live inside that heart, in the peaceful knowing that if love is all that truly matters, I’m doing one hell of a good job.
So what’s your strategy when the beast of perfectionism shows up? Do you try to outrun it, or do you turn and face him and shower him with your love?
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.