How To Manage Toddler Meltdowns

The scene was the same one I had been judgmental about so many times before I became a parent. My youngest child was lying in the dairy aisle kicking and screaming -- a full-fledged meltdown in the middle of the grocery store! The terrible 2's had most definitely arrived.

This type of meltdown happens to be my little one's favorite method of protest. He "goes limp" and lies down on the floor wherever he may be -- outdoors on the sidewalk, in the dairy aisle of the grocery store, in a muddy patch in the park -- he doesn't discriminate. In fact, he typically selects the dirtiest, most trafficked destinations!

What is the best way to handle these meltdowns? My four-prong approach of getting frustrated, yelling, threatening "time out" and standing there mortified didn't seem to be working. After consulting with several parents, I realized I wasn't alone. I decided to host a parenting seminar at Kidville to help parents like myself tackle the toddler meltdown dilemma.

Parenting counselors Jessica Kramer and Susan Richman provided sound advice on managing and preventing these meltdowns, including the following tips:

1. Remain calm. I know, easier said than done. However, when a parent gets upset and loses their temper, it only escalates the meltdown. If you are at home and have to walk away to compose yourself, then walk away!

2. Identify the cause of the meltdown. Meltdowns often occur because our little ones are trying to communicate a frustration or request. Are they hungry, tired, anxious about separating from you, or simply vying for your attention? Take note of the cause. Even if it's too late to stop the current meltdown, it will be helpful in preventing a future one.

3. Wait it out. Once a meltdown has begun, you will have to let it run its course. Children often have to cry it out and become calm on their own before you can step in and start to make them feel better. Our counselors also recommend not removing the child to "time out" but letting them meltdown wherever they are in the moment.

4. Addressing the public meltdown. If you are out in a public place, the first step is to make sure your child is safe. If the child is not creating an unbearable scene, then let him or her cry it out and even walk away until he or she calms down. If you do walk away, make sure that you and your child can still see one another. It will only add to the child's anxiety and further the meltdown if your little one is scared or feels abandoned in an unknown place. If the meltdown is too severe for a public setting, then the experts suggest picking up your child and leaving the establishment all together (even if that means leaving a full cart of groceries behind). Once the child has calmed down, you should explain that you left due to his or her behavior. Again, much easier said than done -- who wants to leave the grocery store mid-shopping? However, according to the experts, that is the most effective way to end the meltdown and prevent another one from occurring in the future.

During our seminar, the counselors also confirmed my suspicions: The grocery store is a notoriously difficult place to take a child prone to meltdowns. It is filled with stressed-out shoppers, overstimulation and too many temptations for children. When you put all of those factors together, you are practically begging your child to meltdown!

I've started to use many of the tips from our seminar and the meltdowns are becoming more manageable. I've learned that I can't control my little one's tantrums or prevent them from happening, but I can control how I react to them. Hopefully the grocery store will become less daunting!

 

Follow Anjali Varma on Twitter: www.twitter.com/kidvillemd

Comments

[hharrison22]

07:12 PM on 03/27/2012

Sorry, but I have to vehemently disagree with you on the "wait it out" part.I'm speaking as both a parent and a child psychologist with a son who has had tons of tantrums. If I am in the Target checkout aisle and my son decides to have a throw down temper tantrum, I am not going to stand there and wait for it to be over. It's not fair to the people in line behind me. I know what all of the experts say (I've written chapters in parenting books myself). However, these kind of epic meltdowns that we see in our children these days (mine included) are simply unacceptable. I used to adhere to what the experts said including myself up until my son turned 3. Then, I realized- no, it is not okay to act this way when you are frustrated. And frankly, the longer it is allowed to continue, the likely the behavior will happen again and again. It's taken me a few months, but I laid down the law with my son. Temper tantrums are unacceptable. Period. Part of my job as a parent is to teach my son how to handle negative emotions. And kicking, screaming, crying, and frothing at the mouth are not a way to do so.

"The child psychologist who thought she had all the answers to parenting until she became one herself." www.themommypsychologist.com

[Gemma Floresco]

02:12 PM on 03/29/2012

How exactly did you lay down the law in the grocery isle? This article suggests that you remove a child from the grocery isle and then talk to them about the consequences of their behaviour when the child is more cooperative (I take it this is what you interpret as "wait it out"). In my experience any attempt to talk to my daughter when she is in full swing is completely useless as she is too involved in her emotions to hear anything I say. I'm very interested to hear what you suggest can be done to stop a tantrum in it's tracks once it has started.

[octobertwinmom]

08:34 PM on 03/30/2012

I want to know, too.

I read all the time that I should pick up the child and leave the store (exactly what they want and the reason for the tantrum). My twin toddlers loathe shopping. They protest the moment I walk in the door of any store - Ive tried a wagon, stroller, separate carts, letting them walk...

I have told them, in no uncertain terms, that tantrums are NOT ALLOWED and WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. It didnt work. Now what?

[mommy2one]

03:37 PM on 04/05/2012

I love how "experts" say No no, that's all wrong, MY way works, but then fails to explain "their way". Which is why I don't listen to "experts" but simply use trial and error techniques based off my individual child. However, as parent to parent, I can provide examples of what has worked for me in the past. I've used the "sit ur ass down and get urself together" technique. This can be accomplished wherever the tantrum is happening or moved to a more discreet location. The bread aisle was empty so he had to work it out right there on the bottom bread shelf. I've used the "can you be mommy's helper/team player" technique. It's amazing the joy a child finds simply by shooting cartons of cereal into the basket of the cart. I've used the "remember that ice cream cone you really wanted" technique. This is reserved for those times where the meltdown has to be eliminated IMMEDIATELY, i.e. a wedding, funeral, graduation, etc. These are just a sampling of the many techniques I've used. Sometimes I'll even just go to a restroom or somewhere quiet and just hold and rock (if he lets me) till he calms down. Especially if he's tired or I know he's been having a bad day. (SN: I've never once left the store due to a meltdown. That's called Giving In and well, that doesn't teach anything.)