Deciding to end a marriage is a decision that requires plenty of thought. When we interviewed women for "Love For Grownups: The Garter Brides Guide to Marrying for Life When You Already Have a Life," a lot of them were on their second marriages. We asked why their first marriages failed and were surprised by their answers.
According to the AARP, two-thirds of divorces among people over fifty are initiated by the wife. By the time women become "empty nesters," they're about fifty years old. Today, a 50-year-old woman can expect to live another twenty five to thirty five years.
If you feel your life is unsatisfactory and you are thinking of divorce, here are some things to consider.
Do you and your husband still enjoy each others company? Do you still have fun together? Sometimes "mom and pop" become the main part of a relationship and "husband and wife" disappear. Are there things you and your husband share or are there things you two might want to do together? Will both of you be agreeable to working together to protect the relationship or do you feel it's too late to find something to build on again?
Is your marriage being held together by the children? We realize that divorce is not just the end of the couple -- it reconfigures the family. It doesn't just affect the two of you, it affects the children also.If your home has become a toxic place, you should consider getting a divorce. Spend some time thinking about your own identity. What's important to you personally, not just as a part of the family?
Is sex still an important part of your relationship? Routine? Boring? Non-existent? There is plenty of help available today. It's not the taboo subject it was for our parents' generation -- books, tapes, therapists, hormone therapy, Viagra and other help is available. Check it out.
Are you financially independent? Are you working? Can you return to work? Will you accept alimony? How will this affect your retirement plans?
Will you be able to handle the emotional aspect of divorce? Divorce realigns many things-family alliances, friends, children. Will you be able to handle criticism, prying questions, upset children?
Are you able to live on your own? Even though there are times we all would like to be alone, living alone is a different matter. Loneliness does happen. You also need to understand your financial obligations, like rent, taxes and insurance. That's all part of living alone.
Painful as it is, if you no longer act as a team you have to ask yourself the hard questions. What's keeping you together? Are you holding on to memories of the past or planning for the future? Your future should be something to look forward to.
Ann Blumenthal Jacobs, Patricia Lampl and Tish Rabe are the authors of Love for Grown-ups: The Garter Brides' Guide to Marrying for Life When You've Already Got a Life, a relationship guide for women over 35 on how to find Mr. Right, marry and find life-long happiness. The Garter Brides are a sisterhood of women who got married later in life and wore the same garter at their weddings! They offer tried and true advice on how to have the love and life you want.
Follow Ann Blumenthal Jacobs on Twitter: www.twitter.com/the garter brid
Harry Steward
womensdivorcelawreview@gmail.com
My parents are well aware that they are not going to retire in the same "style" theirs did. They will be retiring more like their grandparents did. I mean they are going to need their children to care for them. Thankfully they are not divorced and had the sense to have a lot of kids.
For the divorced couple with one or two children, what do you think it will be like when you need to move in with your child and so doe your ex? We won't even be getting a temporary reprieve from the nursing home. After all, we couldn't get along back then, why should our kids believe we can manage as our minds begin to slip?
The only upside. It could make a great sitcom. Can you imagine the now adult child of divorce moving his parents and their respective new spouses into the family home...
When people state women file for divorce more than men, they never speculate that it's because women have had enough. Sometimes the man is happy with their situation and the woman just was tired of trying by herself. Many times there isn't any reason for the man to leave or divorce.
He didn't do anything to me that I didn't allow him to do. I am not bitter about it. He gave me two wonderful children, it wasn't all bad. Just not worth doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
Sleazy, shady divorce lawyers are a double edge sword. Never forget that.
Maybe if I change my spots, ditch my husband and grab all the assets I could become the cougar of my dreams...soooo you have a brain, that's nice...but the IMPORTANT questions are: are you young, blond, have an amazing six pack (no dear, not Michelob) and oh, do you have a cute butt..that would definitely make my girlfriends jealous....and really, that's the whole point...meowwww
the question is do you really want to stay unhappy together?
therapy that is the answer. let's go talk to the therapist who couldn't keep their marriage together.
It's interesting to note that, while men are popularly conceived to be the ones most reluctant to commit, women are according to the actual evidence by far the ones most likely to break a mutual commitment. What are we to make of this?
One straightforward conclusion is that while women talk a good game of commitment, in reality they are only asking their partners to commit, while they keep their options open. This seems an uncharitable interpretation of the evidence, however. So is something else going on?
Why are women seemingly so eager to get men to commit, and yet also more eager to break the commitment?
What are women really committing to?
I don't mean to make this a gender thing, this is again from my own experience with my marriage and observing friends/family.
After about seven years of that response, I finally left. And then it became his problem. Live and learn, peoples. Live and learn. If someone is not happy in the relationship, it's a mutual problem and you should consider yourself lucky if your partner wants to try to fix it.
Are they committing to stay married until they think they'd be happier not married? Or something else?
I note that this comment from Therealbrighteyes takes the common attitude that a person who seeks divorce is not making a free choice but acknowledging something that happened without their will. In this view, divorce is more like a natural phenomenon beyond human control, like a tsunami, for instance. I submit that "when a relationship is over" is simply a rewording of "when I think I'd be happier divorced."
If that's the way it's going to be, fine, but I think we need to reword the vows and concept of marriage so that everybody knows that it's only going to last until one of the partners thinks she (it's the woman more than twice as often) can do better. These childish romantic fantasies of forever are, in reality, superseded by some fine print that needs to be enlarged.
Unless I'm wrong and women are really committing to something else. What would that be?
That being said, ALWAYS make the commitment on the side of "getting" not "giving." It works out much better in the long run. Society's values favor women in this, but it is changing as more women are becoming the "givers"... and so naturally the laws will have to change as well...as the intent no longer matches the result.
And what kind of commitment is the commitment to get rather than give? You advise people to enter into marriages with this mindset? If you're upset about the divorce rate, the state of marriage these days, etc., that's awful advice to give people. Relationships are about giving, working together, and they don't work out unless they are mutually beneficial. More than that you need to do a lot of giving without expecting anything in return. That is the definition of a gift. It can be money or things, good works, compliments, etc.