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A Taxonomy of D-Bags

06/08/2015 02:08 pm ET | Updated Jun 04, 2016

If you remember anything about the 1961 Disney animation "101 Dalmatians", it's that there are dogs. Lots of them. Similarly, the world is full of douchebags, and lots of them. With a business about breakups, we know a thing or two about douchebags. So we thought it'd only make sense to draw comparisons between the two. Since no single dog has the same spots (in other words, no single douchebag has the same M.O.), it might be helpful to refer to this list when looking for Mr. Right. As you know, douchebags will go to great lengths to disguise themselves, so keep in mind this quote from the movie, which we've now made our dating mantra: "Dogs is always paintin' 'emselves black!"

"Lucky"
This is the guy that will somehow work your phone number out of you and get a first date. That probably won't go too well, but just like the puppy by the same name who dies and comes back to life, he'll somehow manage to earn himself a second one. Hopefully, you'll call it quits shortly thereafter.

"Rolly"
This is the assh*le with a bit of a wild side, so you might give in just for the pure rush of it all. Maybe a little fling with one of these dudes isn't too bad, but get out of it before he starts reenacting the "Fast and the Furious" movies just for the hell of it.

"Wizzer"
Maybe this guy isn't bad personality-wise, but he doesn't know how to lift a toilet seat. Or aim. Which leads us to believe he may be sloppy at other things.

"Tripod"
Okay, so maybe this jerk isn't an amputee like the puppy from the film (in which case it wouldn't matter if he was, if he's an ass, he's an ass, and not 'cause he's missing a leg), but he certainly is a gymaholic. A superficial, certified meathead.

"Cadpig"
The runt of the litter...need I say more? (But perhaps to clarify: a small package doesn't make someone a douchebag, only when they overcompensate in douchey ways. Simple as that.)

"Fidget"
If you get to know this douchebag well enough to witness his bad habit of scratching his boys down below when he's zoning out, you'll see where he gets the name.

"Dipstick"
We'd like to think of this one in the name-calling sense and not the fact that the pup's tail was half-black and half-white, earning him the name. This dude, however, (whether he's half-black, half-white or not) is just flat-out dumb. What little he thinks he knows about women is probably fairly inaccurate, and he's probably a meninist. Avoid at all costs.

So there you have it. While the list may not be comprehensive, most douchebags will have one to two of these qualities, so keep an eye out. We'd hate to compare them to dogs (since that really soils the name of those cute, kind creatures), but these guys can really bark up the wrong tree.