During my childhood in the 1960's and 1970's, divorce was neither utterly taboo nor fully accepted. But when the neighbor's Mom died of cancer, their Dad's new wife was the first and only divorcee (the word practically vibrated, a scandalous whisper) I had ever met. Nobody blamed a widower for finding new love, though the jury never quite reached consensus as to how it affected the kids.
Contemporary divorced mothers -- whether single, remarried or blending families -- worry and wonder about how our decisions will impact the children. Can we mitigate the emotional damage? What kind of parents will they grow up to be?
Why don't we ask them? Kids of boomer divorces have become 21st century parents. Joan, Susan, Clare, Julia and Allie are doing a fine job as Moms; they are not divorced, but their parents were.
Regarding her parents' 1963 split, Joan said: "...our family is still actively experiencing in a second, and now third, generation, its fallout. Let's just say that it's good that one can create one's own family, and that it's never possible to fully get over the disappointment of not having been born into a healthy one."
There you have it. It's every bit as bad as we have feared. The trauma of divorce ripples through generations.
But Susan doesn't see it that way: "I believe that divorce is the right choice for those who make it." A latchkey kid whose parents separated when she was seven, Susan saw her Dad only on Saturday afternoon visits. Her mom, a student, worked full-time and earned two master's degrees.
A devotee of attachment parenting, Susan is "most thankful for being given the opportunity to develop self-reliance. I've got a stockpile of coping skills ... I think being a child of divorce is partially responsible."
Yet, she acknowledges that it was impossible to come to such evolved terms while going through the experience: "I think the most difficult thing is being a child in the middle of a very complex situation... we were pretty adrift when it came to what was happening... I remember feeling very different from the kids around me with "parents" who made decisions or gave them advice. My mother and father were two very different people that I had to form individual, nonintersecting relationships with."
Today we have family therapy, community support and more equitable custody arrangements. But are there bigger factors within the family that could make divorce more livable for our kids? It's clear that children are the only innocent parties when couples split. What about the uncomfortable possibility of adult self-sacrifice?
Allie is doing exactly that. The mother of twins and married for the long haul, she feels stifled. Forced into peacekeeper role in arguments with her husband, she said, "We can never get pissed off and yell and walk out of the house. Kids change everything. You feel like you have a muzzle on."
Allie does not sugarcoat it when it comes to her choices: "Part of the reason that I stuck it out is that I did not want to recreate (what I went through) ...There are things that I would never do, as a Mom, that they did."
Such as?
"Such as, drop the ball! They just put parenting second... They were utterly and completely consumed with themselves, their feelings... When parents get divorced, they become like teenagers. If that happens at the same time that you have teenagers, your rebellion becomes more important than theirs. Theirs should be the one that matters, because they are teenagers in the first place and you are not, you are a grownup."
Aha.
So, do we resurrect the old "stay together for the sake of the kids" notion? In most cases, Allie votes yes: "I think they should have put a lot more thought into how we were being brought up, instead of ...haphazardly having adventures. Like your kid really cares what a great sex life you're having? Ugh."
On a more compassionate note, she added: "That doesn't mean that somebody can't reinvent themselves. Reinvention is so much better for a grownup... This is all very poignant for me right now because I was twelve when my parents got divorced and my boys are twelve right now."
Allie brings up a key point -- that the established, secure nature of married parents, whether they are happy or not, can keep the children in a place of primary focus. Not so much the case when parents pursue new relationships: "This boyfriend/girlfriend thing takes a lot of energy... and the kids feel the attention deficit from you."
However, even unforgiving Allie supports divorce in cases of domestic abuse. Clare, divorced from a child-free first marriage and now determined to stay married to the father of her three children, and Julia, long-term happily married to her high school sweetheart, both had moms who suffered physical and emotional abuse.
In her upbringing, Clare finds seeds of her own mothering conflicts: "It is very difficult to sort out the products of divorce and the products of being raised by two controlling and demanding individuals with high expectations."
An artist with interdisciplinary talent, Clare ironically takes the role of taskmaster in her house: "I value the messiness of living... of being expressive... Yet, I still find that I don't drop what I'm doing to be with the kids...The unimportant stuff still takes all my time, because a clean house and a nice dinner are more important to my husband than the time I spend with the kids."
I've known this woman since we were kids. She is by nature playful, and has an easy smile. Listening to her emotional inheritance, however, I hear about a person whom I haven't met: "I wasn't valued for me. Now I discount my children's feelings. I'm controlling... I stay with my husband because it's not that bad. No physical abuse. Because he knows how to play and I don't. Like my mom, I'm too serious."
In college when her parents split, Clare still yearned for their reunion. Neither parent moved on to a new relationship, and their post-divorce "intact family holidays" together gave her "fuel for this belief." She emphasizes open and strong communication between parents as a way of modeling healthy relationships.
The perennial wish for parental reunion had no place in Julia's psyche. In her case, the divorce undoubtedly was the best possible outcome in a household terrorized by a violent father.
"I soon realized how harmful that atmosphere was and only wanted a safe haven for my mom and sisters. I was very protective of my mom... No man was ever good enough."
Eventually, however, came acceptance and understanding: "I look back and have only admiration for my mom who... had little resources to depend on. I'm sure she still carries a heavy conscience, although I am constantly telling her she did good. As a parent now, I understand my mom's hardships trying to support us alone."
She continued: "I believe I became a better parent to my children in the sense that I never wanted them to experience the pain those surroundings brought. I put emphasis on quality time, open conversations, honesty, respect and most of all showing and stating your love on a daily basis. Punishments were discussed and understood as necessary tools to learning right from wrong... I may have become too protective and smothering in the process."
Julia, who endured the most full-blown hardship in her childhood, has the gentlest attitude of all: "No one is perfect... But my mom sure comes close. She is my inspiration, strength, confidante, and best friend. I hope someday my children can say the same about me."
If there is one consistent theme among these very diverse mothers, it is that they are super-conscientious about parenting. If they are examples of who our children may become after divorce, then we have every reason to be hopeful.
It's proven beyond any shadow of a doubt that seatbelts save lives and smoking kills. Likewise, a large number of studies over many years by many researchers show that, most of the time, divorce harms children. On average divorce more than doubles a child's risk of experiencing significant behavioral problems requiring professional help. They have elevated risks for depression, suicide, alcohol and drug abuse, dropping out of school, teen pregnancy and gang membership, to name a few.
As a general rule, divorce is something one partner forces on the rest of the family in the pursuit of that partner's personal emotional fulfillment, to the profound and lasting detriment of everyone else in the family including grandparents and in-laws, as well as society at large. Arguments that children can't be happy and prosper unless parents' romantic fantasies are fulfilled lack supporting evidence.
Clearly, people must be able to seek divorce, for any reason or for no reason. Equally clearly, they need an accurate understanding of what they're doing to their children.
Also, looking at the comments here, is it divorce or parental misery that has the worst impact on kids? Because from what I have been reading, apparently kids are negatively impacted by toxic marriages, whether or not they end in divorce.
I am very interested to learn more about the studies to which you refer. Do you have links to some? We share common ground on a number of ideas: That parents' romantic fantasy fulfillment is not the route to children's happiness. Also, that a more accurate understanding is needed when it comes to the impact of divorce on children.
Long-term effects of parental divorce on parent-child relationships, adjustment, and achievement in young adulthood. by Zill, Nicholas; Morrison, Donna R.; Coiro, Mary J., Journal of Family Psychology, Jun 1993
“Longitudinal data from the National Survey of Children were examined to investigate whether effects of parental divorce are evident in young adulthood. Among 18–22 yr olds from disrupted families, 65% had poor relationships with their fathers and 30% with their mothers, 25% had dropped out of high school, and 40% had received psychological help. Even after controlling for demographic and socioeconomic differences, youths from disrupted families were twice as likely to exhibit these problems as youths from nondisrupted families.”
http://psycnet.apa.org/index.cfm?fa=buy.optionToBuy&id=1994-01475-001
Parenting Plan Evaluations: Applied Research for the Family Court, By Kathryn Kuehnle, Leslie Drozd, 2012.
“Child outcomes of involved fathering:
BEHAVIORAL
Reduced contact with juvenile justice
Relay in initial sexual activity, reduced teen pregnancy
Reduced rate of divorce
Less reliance on aggressive conflict resolution
EDUCATIONAL
Higher grade completion, graduation rates and income
Math competence in girls
Verbal strength in boys and girls (literacy)
EMOTIONAL/SOCIAL
Greater problem solving competence and stress tolerance
Greater empathy and moral sensitivity; reduced gender stereotyping
Initiative and self-direction
Positive peer relationships”
http://books.google.com/books?id=3N0P9cFb8ZUC&vq=relocation&source=gbs_navlinks_s
Yes I have read the studies, I suggest you read them more carefully.
Causation and Causality, it's important.
I agree.
I think most of the problems that the children of divorcees have is not because of the divorce, it's because of what they experience while the the relationship is allowed to continue. As you say, it is what the children witness that gives them behavioral issues later in life. None of the studies really control for that. I'd like to see a study done of children who's parents end the relationship at first sign of any trouble. That's not likely to happen as there's such a stigma in Western culture about staying married for the sake of the children, which I think is a bogus claim.
II believe environment and hereditary traits both impact our lives. I believe in both nature and nurture. It depends on the individual and the circumstances that pull more from one or the other. I think society is sick too. Sometimes I think people that stay married are just better at denial than the rest of us, or just afraid to live alone. Some people hide dysfunction better than others. I believe only a handful of married couples are really happy.
Not sure what the title has to do with the article, though.
One of the most common historical factors I've found with these types of women are absent (emotionally, physically or both) fathers which seems to cause a myriad of emotional problems including being emotionally distant and detached.
When choosing a mate, I've found that researching their family history will reveal a lot about that person.
I'm wondering how the feeling of abandonment, if it's there, works into the equation when these children have their own kids - are they more sensitive to it with their own kids, or are they fine with it in respect to their own because they themselves survived? Perhaps the circumstances of the divorce play a larger role than the divorce itself.
I've met women that came from a divorced home that are terrific mothers. I've also met others where divorces weren't part of their childhood and they were NOT good mothers, at least in my judgement.
I doubt there is much difference in regards to parenthood - it still depends on the parent.
And, broken families? Just because there is no father in the home does not mean that it is "broken". Are we willing to say that about single family households where the father has died? Of course not.
Children in single parent households do have higher rates of behavior problems and dropping out of school. Losing a parent to death doesn't have as bad an effect on children statistically.
Generally speaking, having only one parent means less money and is bad for the kids.
Or is there no difference at all?
I can and did, however, kick off the conversation, and appreciate your contribution to it. A blog post with valuable input from good mothers whose parents were divorced, plus comments to expand on the topic in a thoughtful way is a good place to start, isn't it?