05/26/2011 05:41 pm ET | Updated Jul 26, 2011

An Open Letter to Whoever Is Responsible for Dressing the Mannequins at Free People Stores

Dear Sir or Madam (I have a sixth sense that the person who dresses mannequins for your nice clothing store is a lady, but as one should not make presumptions I shall not presume either way. And for what it's worth I think men are equally as capable of dressing mannequins as women),

How do you do it!?!

I am, of course, referring to your ability to dress the headless mannequins of your fine clothing-selling establishment. I understand the logistics - a headless mannequin must be similar to dressing a headless doll, or a teenage boy, or a heavily-sedated dog - but what specifically am I referring to? I am so glad you asked! You see, one of your fine clothing-selling establishments is just a few blocks from where I live and as I am often walking past (or into) your clothing-selling establishment, I have become quite familiar with the mannequins. I have named them Joan, Sally, Erica, Betsy, Mildred and Janet. Just kidding that would be weird.

Your mannequins are very well-dressed. Your mannequins make the impossible look, well, possible. See, the clothes sold at your clothes-selling establishment, which I will heretoforehenceforth (that's a new word I just made up) refer to as Free People, are... nice. I write "nice" preceded by an ellipsis to signify a hesitant pause, because while I like most of the clothing at Free People, I find much of it curious. So curious, in fact, that I have some questions:

  • Why must so many dresses have sequins AND prints? Do you have any dresses with just sequins?
  • Why do half of the dresses and skirts have mullet cuts? By which I mean they are short in the front and partying very long in the back?
  • Whose grandmother did you steal that crochet sweater from?
  • Does any of your lingerie have underwire and/or actual support for large-chested women?
  • Can I take a nap in your dressing room?
  • When you say "sale" you really mean "a few dollars off," right?
  • Is your target demo clog-wearing middle-aged divorced artists who live in "the canyon" or is your target demo my mother when she went to Woodstock? Or is your target demo Aria on the hit ABC Family show Pretty Little Liars?
  • How on Earth did you make that mannequin look so good?

Seriously lady (or dude, sorry), you've got a good eye because those mannequins somehow manage to convince people that they totally should buy a sequined paisley print mullet dress that will look best when accompanied by a grandmother's crochet sweater. With clogs. And a feather earring (just one).

Kudos to you, Person Responsible for Dressing the Mannequins at Free People Stores. I don't know how you do it, but I'm so glad you do.


This post was originally published at HelloGiggles, the new girl-friendly entertainment website from actress/musician Zooey Deschanel, producer Sophia Rossi and blogger/Internet Sensation Molly McAleer.