12/22/2011 04:54 pm ET Updated Feb 21, 2012

My Third Annual Pop Culture Christmas List

I'm a little late on the Christmas List this year, and for that, I apologize. But don't for a minute think that this means my demands are any less sincere, outrageous, or totally self-serving. Look, these are requests that I think will better Pop Culture as whole, but more importantly -- they'll better me.

So here goes -- this year, for Christmas, I want...

  • Scientists to clone Ryan Gosling
  • Scientists to clone Ryan Reynolds
  • Suri Cruise to get a reality TV show
  • Kim Kardashian to never get married, ever again. EVER.
  • The Facebook Timeline to go away
  • The new Gmail format to go away
  • A moratorium on the word "adorkable"
  • A moratorium on paparazzi pics of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez making out
  • The Finder to be the new breakout TV show of 2012 (this may or may not have something to do with the fact that I work on this show)
  • The Hunger Games movie to be epic and amazing and totally the best ever (suck it, Twilight)
  • Mindy Kaling to be my BFF
  • Amy Poehler to be my BFF
  • Tina Fey to be my BFF
  • More Muppet movies
  • For Jennifer Aniston to be happy and if that means having babies then have those babies and if it doesn't then that's okay too because Jen -- you do you, girl
  • No more New Years Eve/Valentines Day/Other Holiday movies
  • Anne Hathaway and Katherine Heigl to move to an island together somewhere in the South Pacific without any means of contact with the rest of the world for the rest of their lives
  • The NBA to get its shit together
  • Community to get six seasons and a movie
  • People to get over their fear of watching Cougar Town because it's called Cougar Town and to just start watching this very funny comedy. Let's go for six seasons and a movie on this one too, okay?
  • A tear in the space-time continuum so I can go back to whenever it was Katherine Heigl decided to be an actress and tell her to try a simple life in an obscure Midwestern town instead
  • More collaborations from Jay Z and Kanye West
  • More collaborations from The Muppets and indie bands
  • More female-driven comedies like Bridesmaids
  • No more Hangovers (both the movie version and actual hangovers)
  • Everyone to acknowledge Hello Giggles as the best new website for women and then go read my Hello Giggles "Open Letters" and also maybe Hello Giggles should get its own line of nail polish
  • What else... did we already cover that you guys are going to watch The Finder? Great. I REALLY want that. Let's throw in another "six seasons and a movie" request for that show as well.

Oh and like previous years, if someone wants to buy my life rights/be my agent or life coach/pay my credit card debt, etc -- I'm open to negotiations.

Happy Holidays to all the other Pop Culture junkies out there. I'd love to hear what Pop Culture items you'd include on your Christmas list.