A Letter to Lays

Dear Lays,

I have been an ardent fan of your saltiness since my early childhood days. At the fledgling foodie age of 7 I began putting your plain Lays potato chips in my tuna fish sandwiches to add a layer of savory texture to my pedestrian lunch. I even copied Kurt Cobain and devoured just potato chip sandwiches with teenage angst glee. I even stayed a fan as my mouth matured and transitioned into your far superior kettle roasted versions and boundary breaking flavors.

Despite all your previous goodwill, you have forsaken me and more importantly my mouth! I have been traveling around Asia the past 4 months and have been excited and allured by your exotic and enticing new chip flavors lining the Asian aisles. Such a myriad of new and diverse chip flavors made me excited, yes new chip flavors excite me! I have been sampling almost all of your flavors with exuberant anticipation. I have tried:

Chicken Satay
Sweet Basil
Spicy Lobster
Nori Seaweed
Crab Curry
Indian Magic Masala

And sadly they all taste like potato chip ass!!! They suck and not in a mild fashion. They are fucking atrocious! It's baffling how you can take something as simple and delicious as juicy chicken and a savory peanut sauce and not properly mimic the drool worthy flavors in a laboratory. Bag after bag I tried these chips and was incessantly crestfallen. After my recent Indian Masala fiasco I give up.

Masala is one of the greatest achievements on the flavor spectrum and you have disgraced it with your putrid tasting Magic Masala chips. The only magic you have accomplished is taking a fantastic flavor and defiling it.

We are done! I don't care if you come out with chips flavored like cookie butter, truffilized foie gras or 19 year old vegan pussy, you have disappointed me once too many times to try any more of your international failures.

I still love your American ones though, so I kinda forgive you...

Sincerely,

Ari Kane

Potato Chip Activist