I've been single, I've been married, and I've been divorced. And getting divorced was the hardest of the bunch -- at least in terms of finding a way to be happily divorced (and, yes, there is such a thing!).
That's why I'm so excited about the launch of HuffPost Divorce. Inspired by HuffPost editor-at-large Nora Ephron, who knows a thing or two about the subject (see Heartburn), our newest section will tackle the topic from many angles, providing insight, resources, community, and some comic relief to those impacted by what Nora, in her new book, calls the Big D.
My parents divorced when I was nine. I adored my father but could see the pain his philandering was causing my mother. When I heard him telling her once that she should not interfere in his private life, I started urging her to leave. She finally did. My father often quoted to me his favorite story of the Greek philosopher Diogenes, who, when asked why he kept begging from statues, replied: "I'm practicing disappointment."
Disappointment and the broken promises we make to ourselves and to each other are at the heart of divorce. My ex-husband and I have now been divorced 13 years -- two years longer than we were married.
But even though we no longer had a marriage to keep us together, we had something even more powerful -- our daughters. Spurred by our mutual devotion to them, we have made a huge effort to work through all the difficulties and be friends. And, little by little, with a lot of hard work, we've now gotten there.
But it wasn't an easy journey. And I've watched many of my friends struggle through their breakups, dealing with legal and financial battles, the perils of post-divorce dating, the pitfalls of co-parenting, the shock of dividing up the couples you used to socialize with when you were married, and navigating the turbulent waters of blended families.
I've always thought that, as a country, we do a lousy job of addressing how we can do divorce differently -- and better. Especially when there are children involved.
Over a million children a year watch their parents get divorced -- most of them wishing more than anything that mom and dad would get back together. That's how it was with our oldest daughter, who was eight when her father and I broke up. She was devastated -- and steadfastly refused to accept it. She kept pleading with me every day to go out to dinner with Daddy. I'm not sure if that was the influence of The Parent Trap, but she had convinced herself that a romantic candlelit dinner would solve all her parents' problems. After all, if she loved both her parents so much, how could they not love each other? It was heartbreaking. But it motivated us to work hard to go beyond the inevitable anger and resentments of any divorce. This included spending every Christmas Day and both our daughters' birthdays together as a family every year.
A few years ago, we even took our first post-divorce summer vacation together as a family. When I wrote about it, the response was overwhelming -- with so many people writing to tell me about their experiences with trying to make their divorces work.
So I definitely have skin in this game -- and the scars to prove it. Even so, as I said, the idea for the section was Nora's.
I was spending a weekend with her in July at her home in Long Island, as was Alessandra Stanley, the television critic for theNew York Times. One morning, Alessandra and I headed off on a long walk down the beach, and we ended up talking a lot about our divorces. When we got back to Nora's, we recounted some of our conversation, at which point she told us that she had actually been thinking that HuffPost's next section should be devoted to all things divorce.
Over breakfast, Nora came up with the tag line for the section -- "Marriage comes and goes but divorce is forever" -- and Alessandra offered up what has become our inaugural divorce aphorism (the first in a series): "His happiness is a small price to pay for my freedom!" As Nora says, "far too much attention is paid to aphorisms about falling in love and not nearly enough to those about falling out of love."
So the spark was lit and, four months later, here we are. I'm thrilled that this new section is launching with an exclusive essay about divorce taken from Nora's new book, I Remember Nothing. Special thanks to HuffPost Senior Editor Willow Bay, who worked tirelessly to get HuffPost Divorce up and running. Though never divorced, Willow is a stepmom familiar with the joys and trials of blending families. She brought her exceptional editorial sensibilities to the new section, and signed up former Los Angeles magazine associate editor Sara Wilson to be our Divorce Editor.
Our goal is to produce a fast, fearless, highly interactive guide to the profound changes divorce brings to families, friendships, careers, and finances -- to say nothing of the physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being of those going through it. We'll bring you all the latest divorce news, plus fresh takes from our Divorce group bloggers.
So whether you are divorced, divorcing, or just curious about how others manage the complexities of divorce, check out HuffPost Divorce. Breaking up is hard to do... but reading about it isn't. Let us know what you think.
Follow Arianna Huffington on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ariannahuff
It's time to start realizing that the old way of divorce with children isn't working and to start considering instead how we can nurture our children's spirit - even through divorce.
-Ellen
www.TheProChildWay.com
I believe dreaming of being Free is where we need to be in order to transcend this issue that is inevidibly & greatly affecting us and our children. Future decisions, choices and ways of being are determined though the actions we take during times of conflicting distress. In order to handle the stresses and issues in our future experiences we need to be able to walk in the face of combat with the strength, wisdom and energy to transform each experience into power. I am talking about freedom of the heart. Developing a stream of consciousness within that.....utilizes compassion, empathy, inspiration to know and want what's best for the good of ALL.
It should cost $25,000.00 for a marriage license and $10.00 for a divorce.
Thank you for this important addition!
Here are the reasons for any reservation I have about celebrating holidays and birthdays with former husbands and wives, especially after a brutal divorce: I know the kids want it, and it can appear like a solution right out of Solomon's mouth. But it can and does confuse young children about what divorce is and what it isn't. "Why," they ask themselves, "can my parents have fun together, but not want to be married?" Or "Why Mommy (or Daddy) looks so sad, seeing Daddy (or Mommy) with his new wife." It also gives them an unrealistic picture of what marriage and divorce actually mean. Further, in a marriage where one partner treats the other brutally, but wishes to paint himself/herself as the opposite type of person, it offers an opportunity for this kind of charade to continue, causing a former partner more pain and self doubt. Children who do the best following divorce figure out what really happened for themselves, and this frees them to carve out the best possible independent lives. Regular fun family dinners with former partners, though they crave it and so may their parents, for myriad reasons, confuse. I am sure there are exceptions, but a more realistic goal, offering the healthiest and most realistic role models for kids who have to go through this, is for former partners to work to carve out a cordial "business/professional" relationship around the children.
So I created a website to help with those issues. It is a shared calendar that both parents can access online. It helps you to create and agree to a basic custody schedule, and then allows you to add or make schedule changes along the way, with the other partner having the opportunity to agree or decline those changes. It also has an email function so you can communicate with your ex while hashing out the schedule. It has a contacts section where you can list addresses and phone numbers for your child’s school, teachers, doctors, dentists, coaches, etc. Never again will your ex be able to claim he didn’t know about an event or appointment, or that he didn’t have a phone number for someone.
I have found that the site works great and I am anxious to see what others think. I am looking for beta-testers to use the site for FREE! I need your feedback and insights!
If you would like to become a beta-tester, or would like more information, please go to www.mydharmony.com.
Thanks!
This public forum is important for the overall well being and future of our children and families.
Claire N. Barnes, MA, Executive Director
Kids' Turn www.kidsturn.org
kidsturn@earthlink.net
It's called, "Misery loves company." There was a nice little story about a young girl that was donating books to children and I posted, “Why not make a story like this your morning Headline?”
There are those that go through life always looking for the bone in the fish. They are so intent on finding the bone they haven’t the slightest idea what they are actually eating. It’s become glaringly obvious that “Good News” just doesn’t capture our attention, or so the thinking goes. The media (this is media) feels to maintain its customer base it’s required to drag it’s readers through the Media swamp as in, “Bad News” sells.
We could also use a “section” on how to reply to posts in a civil manner, respecting others without the need to use foul language or direct attacks. I see many posts out here complaining about, “Why cannot politicians have more respect for each other” then they blast a person with abusive language.
or maybe RELATIONSHIPS ?
o How to Chose Your Mate
o Common Pitfalls in Marriage
o How Not to Cheat ..
etc.
There's something so....tabloidy about having a divorce section on here. Seems....odd.
But what of Zeus, when he split the Androgynies?
Eros forever searching for his soul, and Psyche filled with longing and desire she could not quench or repress?
Oh, they were noisy, troublesome when united, (2 Backs, 4, legs, 4 arms and 2 heads) always running about, first on two legs in one direction, then by trick, the other two legs carrying them off in the other,,, endlessly tormenting each.
BUT think, for all the noise, the banter and disagreement,, they were never alone and now they must each feed themselves. Formally, the only time the Androgynies were quiet, was when they were feeding each other, and peace came again.
Forgoing sexual reunions,,, what if we made it a habit to restore our origins with a ritual meal, food set to either side, and each to feed the other,, and NOT ourselves.
Say,,, once a week or so?
All the best
Knute
TR Knudtson
"Divorce is so extraordinarily painful and destructive to children, it's very much like losing a limb to amputation or being scarred by a fire. That is the closest physical equivalent. The idea that parents would voluntarily decide to do this to their child, very often for very transitory reasons ( few divorces happen because of abuse, most are simply "I don't love him/her any more" or "I'm not happy in my own life, I want to make a change.") speaks volumes about the sheer destruction being waged on happiness in our society.
"Children, as the weakest and most vulnerable members of society, with no rights and no power, are victims of their parent's times of weakness. And no-fault divorce allows this to happen if even ONE parent is having a time of weakness. If the law was to force both parents to agree to divorce, then this would provide a natural double-checking force that would allow the other parent to act as a natural brake, a balance against such destruction of children's hearts.
"No-fault divorce laws are a social disaster of the first order, because they allow one parent, in a period of personal life stress, to easily take a step that will permanently break children's worlds -- then spend the rest of their lives feeling guilty, either consciously or subconsciously, for what they've done.
No-fault divorce laws are simply the worst change made in society, ever. "