Vacationing with My Ex

CRETE -- My ex-husband and I recently celebrated our 12th anniversary. That's how long we've been divorced -- one year longer than we were married.

Just like marriage, divorce isn't easy either, and ours has been no exception. But even though we no longer had a marriage to keep us together, we had something even more powerful -- our daughters. And, spurred by our mutual devotion to them, we have made a huge effort to work through all the difficulties and be friends.

This has included spending Christmas Day and both of our girls' birthdays together as a family every year. And, little by little, with a lot of hard work, we've grown closer and closer. Indeed, a couple of years ago, on what would have been our 20th wedding anniversary, a magnificent bouquet of flowers that included twenty yellow roses arrived at my home. The card said, "Happy 20th Anniversary. We'll always be the parents of two remarkable young women. Love, Michael."

But this is the first time since our divorce we have gone on a summer vacation as a family.

This kind of concentrated together time can often prove to be stressful. But we are having a fabulous time, hanging out as a foursome, eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner together, and exploring the exquisite beauty of Crete -- Kriti to my fellow Greeks. The brilliant sand, the jasmine-filled air, the crystalline sea, the jutting mountains -- and history to be found with practically every step you take. Crete was home to the oldest Greek civilization, as well as Ariadne (who helped Theseus slay the Minotaur and then became the bride of Dionysus), and Nikos Kazantzakis (who gave us Zorba the Greek).

What we are doing more than anything, though, is talking. About anything and everything. We have spent a lot of time strolling down Memory Lane, and also taking mental journeys into the future. These future forays have been both practical (our youngest daughter is heading into her final year of high school, which means another round of college application deadlines!) and fanciful (we spent a lot of time the other night, for example, debating the pros and cons of evening weddings and the names of yet-to-be born -- and, thankfully, yet-to-be-conceived -- children).

The surest sign that my ex and I have reached a better place is a newfound willingness on both our parts to not let our pet peeves get in the way of our having a good time. Even in the happiest of marriages, there are little things that each partner does that inevitably set the other one off. These annoyances are magnified ten-fold when you are no longer together as a couple -- which is why making an effort to avoid them is one of the secrets of a good divorce.

For instance, Michael really hates it when we are together and I check my Blackberry or, god forbid, take a call on my cell. Especially when we are out eating. So I have kept to a 100 percent Blackberry ban during all meals. And he hasn't made a big deal of the couple of times I forgot to turn my phone off and it began to ring (especially since I didn't take the calls).

For my part, I am really put off by the way he openly fumes if I am even one second late for something. Even on vacation (I always thought not having to adhere to a strict timetable was one of the defining features of a vacation!). This trip has been different. When I rolled in a few minutes late to dinner the other night, he wasn't glaring at his watch. Instead, he greeted me with a warm smile.

It's been great. And especially great for the kids to have their parents not only not be on edge with each other, but actually enjoying one another's company.

Our children, after all, are the most important thing in our lives -- and in most parents' lives, for that matter. It's a fact that becomes even more inescapable here in Greece, which is an utterly child-centered society. Children here are treated as little gods, creatures of worship -- little totemic beings everyone wants to touch and nurture. They are made to feel so special, with even the tiniest accomplishment cause for exclamations of appreciation and praise.

The fact that Michael and I have these two girls (young women now, really) together is a bond that transcends all grievances we have had through the years.

And while we did not survive as a couple, at least we've survived in the joint parenting of our daughters. We have gotten to the point where there is really nothing left to work out -- and it feels completely natural to be able to sit on a beautiful beach or stroll through the lovely streets of Agios Nikolaos together.

"God," our youngest daughter said the other day, "it's hard to remember you guys are divorced."

For some reason, that made me very, very happy. It felt like I had reached the end of a long and arduous journey. And we were all the better for having made it.

I only hope that, for the sake of the over one million children a year whose parents get divorced, it's a journey more and more families take.

Follow Arianna Huffington on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ariannahuff

Comments

[MiaWeinman]

"When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long"

[Jen Grisanti - Huffpost Blogger]

i love your ability to be open and connect with your readers, it is very refreshing! Divorce is a journey for all.

My parents divorced after 27 years. It took many years for them to have the kind of relationship that you have with your ex, but they did get there. As a child, there is no greater gift than to see your parents getting along, sharing companionship and being good to one another for we are a reflection of this union.

I applaud you and your ex for giving your daughters this gift.

[VinCali]

Thanks for sharing and congrats!
I hope there will come a time when it's more understandable that divorced parents can cooperate rather than be at constant odds for years. My ex and I often vacation together because that's what works best for our son. We've both gotten past the raised eyebrows and knowing looks from others who can't accept that it's possible to create a new dynamic that doesn't include sex or a goal of getting back together. Sure we still can snipe and carp but we also have good and honest conversations that our son observes. His parent's have us beat though in the forgive-and-move-on dept. One some summer weekends you can find my ex-mil with her second husband having cocktails with her gay-ex-hubby and his companion of 15+ years.

[Lorifromky]

Congratulations on a successful divorce. I wish my brother and his ex could reach this point. They still routinely take each other to court over issues with their daughter. It is not healthy for my niece, who told me how terrible it is to have two parents who hate each other. So sad.

[skennedy76]

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they “don’t understand” one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to” – Helen Rowland

Your story reminds me of my parents. They divorced 16 years ago when I was 16 and my sister was 13. It a hard transition from being a foursome to being two twosomes (I lived with my Dad while my sister stayed with my Mom). Divorce is never easy. However, my sister and I were incredibly lucky because my parents dealt with the end of their marriage with respect, civility and honesty. They made it easy because their children came first and were always their top priority in making “the break” as easy as possible. When they finalized their divorce they used the same lawyer and then went out for lunch together. My mother always jokes and says “Why not? We celebrated the beginning of our marriage with a meal. We still love and respect one another, we just can’t live together.” So, they toasted the end of their marriage together as well. Very uncommon, I know, but it showed my sister and I that our parents respect each other very much. The nuclear family is not what it used to be. I’m thankful for that. It has made my family stronger and much happier.

[dogwatch]

Celebrating twenty three years of simultaneous divorce and marriage could be called a Divarriage celebration. We are a creative society and when both relationships are peaceable and collaborative, we ought to be able to name them appropriately. My compliments to a very sensible treatment of the situation.

[WonderWomanGoddess]

This was a nice blog- I wish more prominent people would bring this up. My husband and I got married very young (barely 18) and we separated after years of trying to save a dying marriage. It was no one's fault. We remain very good friends (we've been best friends for over 15 years now! why change the part that works?) and we live together like roommates for financial reasons. Yet no one understands our non-relationship relationship. No one gets why we don't hate each other; even therapists don't totally understand. The model they have of divorcing couples is one of lack of communication at best, hatred at worst. We have great communication (even when that sucks). He is an only child and my family is not reliable generally so some day, we will be the only family each other has. Besides that, we have pets together which we have committed to. Other people are the problem- they feel they have to 'choose' between us, they assume we are getting back together, or push for us to, dating is impossible so far. Honestly, people just don't know how to act around a broken up couple that still gets along! I personally believe that divorce is far preferable to an unhealthy marriage, for the couple, for the children, for everyone.

So I hope more people like you put out a new, healthier model of divorce so the rest of society will know how to handle it!

[gailb]

Ariana, what a lovely, thoughtful piece. A worthwhile read for everyone, regardless of their family status.

[army193]

Fox News will have a hay day with this one: The Far Left Huffington Post Arianna and her husband have a fight over how there children an how they should be raised ,this is what is destroying American. They make a big seen while having dinner while on vacation and there divorced.

Great story Arianna...Just goes to show you that were are all human after all.

[MarieB]

I hear it often that "we get along better now than when we were married". Many people are not compatible in a marriage, but they are at just being friends. This way they get to enjoy their children during special times without any stress and afterwards can go their separate ways. The children are the winners in a relationship like this one.

[livesbythec]

What a lovely post Ariana! Thank you for sharing your vacation with your "other" family-all of us here at HuffPo :-)

[lenzorizzo]

Well done. Well said. Thanks.

[curiosa]

I agree. I did the same with my ex. At first, after a couple of years divorced, it just seemed easier to have Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday together with our son who we both were very devoted to. Later, when he was in college, his Dad became very sick and I was able to help out, bringing food and going to some doctor's appointments. Eventually my ex had to go into a nursing home, and , sadly, a few years ago he passed away while still relatively young. My son was able to bring his father home to die with hospice assistance, and the three of us were able to spend the last 24 hours of his life together in a very peaceful, loving way. It was then that I fully realized how important the effort we had made to communicate and build bridges had been. I don't think we have to live with our spouses day in an out to communicate to our children that a loving bond is at the core of their existence.

[jalapeno]

Wow Arianna, how wonderful. I wish my parents would have taken such an interest in us as to work out their differences. Life is too short to hold grudges.

[jshindl]

What a beautiful article. What a great way to role model what all divorce couples with children should do.

[SadVoter]

Ariana, it's inspiring that you've worked so hard to raise great kids. But now that they're adults, have you considered letting them go? It was my therapist who recommended I disengage from my divorced parents & begin a new, more open & loving phase of my life. She was right!!! It was the BEST thing I've ever done. My life improved 1000% & I recommend to my friends. Many of them also detached from divorced parents & I've never known anyone who regretted it!! Studies show adults from divorced homes & their parents are better off after separation. My parents resisted. But I believe it will be best for them, too. Taking time to work on *my* happiness allows them more space to focus on their healing and happiness. It's truly a win/win!

I haven't spoken to them for 15+ years. But if our paths cross again, they'll meet a much happier & saner person than they raised. Who can argue with that?

My therapist stressed it's also critical to break the generational cycle of divorce. if a spouse has divorced parents, the couple is twice as likely to divorce. Spouses who are both from broken homes are THREE TIMES more likely to divorce!!! So if only for the sake of our own children, we desperately need more positive role models of marriage & child rearing - otherwise the tragic cycle of divorce will repeat generation after generation.

Like divorce, parental estrangement may be painful - but it's often best

[Fixxin2]

Why would any therapist recommend parental estrangement unless those parents were abusive, mentally unstable or have substance abuse issues? And although it apparently worked for you, why advise Arianna to try it when she clearly fits into none of these categories?

The point of her article was that with the right priorities and hard work by the parents, divorce doesn't have to negatively impact the children.

[CAgal]

What a sad story. You must have been so unalterably abused by both of your parents, in every which way. I am truly sorry for you. The "win/win" is for you/you. No one else.

[ztck5356]

You don't really expect anyone to believe that a genuine therapist would advise you to dump your parents and not speak to them for 15+ years?

[sanekook]

Divorce will happen no matter what. It's the parents who decide to make it "tragic". My parents also had a cooperative parenting divorce and I got to experience many awesome things that I couldn't have experienced had they stayed together in a loveless marriage (including the family relationships I have with my step families). It sounds like your parents were awful human beings whom you needed to seperate from...not simply because they were divorced, but because they were awful immature human beings.

[SadVoter]

That makes me sad because it means your kids will probably have to suffer through it too.

Divorce DOESN'T have to happen. And the choice between divorce and living in a loveless marriage is a false dichotomy. There are other alternatives. But you'll never know to explore them unless you are exposed to people who can model more positive and successful behaviors. Adults CAN have successful relationships - even if they encounter bumps along the way. Don't let your parents convince you that there are only two alternatrives when things get tough - divorce or a loveless marriage. That was THEIR failure. You can do better. You MUST do better for your kids.

[SadVoter]

Actually, my parents had one of those "good divorces". But any adult child of divorce (ACOD) will tell you that there is no such thing as a "good divorce". It is noticeable that nearly all the folks on this thread who claim divorce doesn't have to hurt the children all seem to be parents and not the kids. Coincidence? I think not. Those of us who grew up in broken homes know better from personal experience. Plus the statistics regarding generational divorce are obviously compelling evidence that divorce DOES hurt the kids - if you don't see that, then you are in serious DENIAL. Broken families beget broken families. The numbers don't lie (Oh yeah, but YOUR family will be different from all the others...yeah, yeah, yeah...wha­tever...we­'ve all heard that one before)

The most important thing is to avoid the generational cycle of divorce so my kids will never have to go through the horror of divorce. The need to surround my kids with positive roll models is more important than anything. Plus *I* need positive roll models and space to find my own happiness. My parents already had their chance to find happiness. The divorce worked out great for them. Now it is my turn. Can you really begrudge me happiness? Are you all really THAT blinded by your own selfishness and denial???

And as for therapists, let's just say I think they tell one thing to divorcing parents and another to their children.

; -)

[Fixxin2]

Your choice for parental estrangement is obviously based on defining yourself as an "adult child of divorce". But what happens when YOUR adult children feel cheated at having been denied a relationship with these grandparents? Will some therapist then come up with the term "adult children denied grandparents"?