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Arthur Goldstein

Arthur Goldstein

How To Extend Your Teaching Career (SATIRE)

Posted: 03/ 3/11 09:09 PM ET

It's tough being a teacher nowadays. In Wisconsin, they want to kill collective bargaining and do whatever they wish. Mayor Bloomberg doesn't want to look as extreme as Scott Walker, so he's simply rolled out a bill that would pretty much let him fire anyone he feels like firing. It's pretty easy to give a teacher an arbitrary "U" rating. And once can get rid of anyone you like, the whole collective bargaining issue becomes a lot less important.

In fairness, Bloomberg previously requested an arbitrary and capricious standard for dismissing teachers, and only set on this course when teachers, for some odd reason, failed to embrace it. The bill stalled in the Assembly, and looks pretty dead at the moment. But if plans like these are coming down the pike, how can you really sustain a teaching career?

Billionaire-sponsored ERN, E4E, and Cathie Black have synchronized their talking points and are targeting you relentlessly -- you are Satan incarnate, and how dare you presume to protect your livelihood? What outrageous self-indulgence. If you had any shred of self-respect, you'd resign immediately, plant yourself out back with the trash, and wait patiently to be hauled away.

Should you lack the intestinal fortitude to follow those simple instructions, your pathway to a regular classroom is fraught with obstacles. It's particularly tough on experienced teachers. Despite much talk of merit from the "reformers," it's a fair bet, given Joel Klein's decision to have schools pay salaries out of their own budgets, principals will economize, engaging two shiny new teachers rather than a crusty old vet. There are, however, potential workarounds:

1. Change your identity.

It's well known that false ID can be procured if you're willing exercise due diligence. While it may prove costly, if you wish to remain teaching, sacrifices are called for. Disregard qualms about falsifying your educational transcripts. Surely you have real ones equal to or better than those you're creating. If anything discourages veteran teachers, let it be that potential 50-percent pay cut starting anew entails. This may prove untenable for many. As if that were not enough, you'll also be entering a cutthroat job market. If you're determined to proceed, you may wish to enhance your prospects.

2. Join TFA.

If you go this route, it may prove beneficial to falsify an Ivy diploma rather than just any old certificate. For older teachers, consider hair dye or plastic surgery, as necessary, to better integrate with recent grads. Don't let on that you wish to teach; rather, express a desire to become CEO of an up-and-coming charter chain. Rid yourself of family photos. Carry shots of Joel Klein and Michelle Rhee and beam with pride when displaying them to recruiters.

3. Enter witness protection.

This option is most popular among those in the know. An inconvenience, of course, is the necessity of at least peripheral involvement in a major crime in order to be considered. Not only that, but you'll likely need to rat out someone more directly involved, always a risky prospect. Nonetheless, if you're up to the task, you get a new identity, and papers that are likely far superior to those produced in the backroom of the Quickie Mart. Additionally, there's the prospect of writing a sensational tell-all if you manage to outlive whoever wishes to rub you out.

Older teachers may be tempted to prattle of their experience, their years of service, their dedication to students and other such nonsense. Remember, this means nothing to potential employers. Bill Gates says teachers don't get any better after three years. Those who now run school systems have, therefore, disabused themselves of archaic notions that people get wiser with age. (Why they bother with education at all is anyone's guess.)

In any case, current school leaders have learned not to discern between valid ideas and those of self-appointed billionaire educational experts. It's unrealistic to think they'd value anything as irrelevant as classroom experience in a teacher, particularly since they don't value it in a chancellor.

While your educational background precludes your becoming chancellor, if you manage to land yourself a job, you may well be able to hang on 3-5 years before repeating the process. Beginning teachers, while initially skirting this process, are well-advised to study it anyway.

Fifty percent of new teachers don't make it to five years now. If Mayor Bloomberg gets his way, teachers will turn over faster than fry cooks at McDonald's. That's good if the bottom line is saving money on salary and pensions. But it's not precisely putting "children first."

Unless, of course, you really want your children to have that sort of job when they grow up.

 
It's tough being a teacher nowadays. In Wisconsin, they want to kill collective bargaining and do whatever they wish. Mayor Bloomberg doesn't want to look as extreme as Scott Walker, so he's simply ro...
It's tough being a teacher nowadays. In Wisconsin, they want to kill collective bargaining and do whatever they wish. Mayor Bloomberg doesn't want to look as extreme as Scott Walker, so he's simply ro...
 
 
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dakotawoman
I dreamed I saw Joe Hill. . .old time Progressive
01:07 PM on 03/07/2011
3.Make it sound like a good idea. Like all good salesmen, don't mention price, use doublespeak to deflect honest questions about service, hide the small print that outlines the responsibilities they must assume in the contract and do not reveal that you abjure any liability until your mark. . .ah, I I mean your "customer" has become emotionally invested and/or is bankrupt of any other options.

4. Close the sale. Ignore the social cost of your actions. Hide the fact that all the "savings" you touted as the result of your actions are fantasy, that the costs of the retooling will be felt not by YOU naturally, but by. . .well, that doesn't matter does it as long as it is not YOU, so never mind.


5. If done right, you will have created a monopoly on education and priced it out of the reach of those you plan to keep under-educated for your labor pool and AT THE SAME TIME have made a killing selling the product used for your main objective. Genius!. Two birds at once -- pure profit and advancing of your social agenda weighted to privilege the wealthy elite. Perfect!!!
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Arthur Goldstein
07:45 PM on 03/07/2011
This story sounds all too familiar. I'm hoping what we're seeing in Wisconsin is the beginning of a national campaign to wake up. How many decades have we been sleeping now? At least 3.
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dakotawoman
I dreamed I saw Joe Hill. . .old time Progressive
10:52 AM on 03/09/2011
I remember clearly thinking "This is the beginning of the onslaught against workers" back when Reagan busted the air traffic controllers' union.

And, yes, for the last 30 years life for the American worker has been on a steady down turn, with stagnant wages, more expensive education, factories and other material products jobs shipped overseas (and now the service jobs that replaced THOSE jobs following) while the banks, corporations and venture capitalists looted the economy.
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dakotawoman
I dreamed I saw Joe Hill. . .old time Progressive
11:02 AM on 03/09/2011
I am finally old enough to accept that each new generation has to learn "it" all over again, whatever the idea, whatever the cost. So, the past generations of workers won and maintained a very good place for workers for many decades. Perhaps too good, because now lots of folks take for granted so many of the workplace protections we had, perhaps illogically believing that workers can trust the owners to do what is right. Maybe they don't really understand that it is federal regulations that keep owners from using workers up like Kleenex, just because we did such a good job protecting ourselves for such a long time. But now government and the social contract of cooperation is being shredded and we are each back on our own.

History and experience show that without regulation forcing them, owners and especially corporations, cannot be trusted to care much about their workers' welfare. Oh, they might CLAIM they do, but the majority of owners want the most production out of the cheapest workers at the lowest cost. In the environment of high unemployment, they have no incentive to pay good wages, etc. Without regulation, it's anyone's game. Without union's and the power of collective bargaining it's the owners' game all the way.
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dakotawoman
I dreamed I saw Joe Hill. . .old time Progressive
12:19 PM on 03/07/2011
4. Close the sale. Ignore the social cost of your actions. Hide the fact that all the "savings" you touted as the result of your actions are fantasy, that the costs of the retooling will be felt not by YOU naturally, but by. . .well, that doesn't matter does it as long as it is not YOU, so never mind.


5. If done right, you will have created a monopoly on education and priced it out of the reach of those you plan to keep under-educated for your labor pool and AT THE SAME TIME have made a killing selling the product used for your main objective. Genius!. Two birds at once -- pure profit and advancing of your social agenda weighted to privilege the wealthy elite. Perfect!!!
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dakotawoman
I dreamed I saw Joe Hill. . .old time Progressive
12:19 PM on 03/07/2011
1. Persuade the public that the institutions which have served them well for decades are not serving them while at the same time attack those institutions directly through financial undercutting and enforcing obsolescence of the institution through that undercutting.

2. Supply your own "product" in the marketplace in the name of "free enterprise". Whatever you do, don't let on to the majority of those soon affected that you intend to replace the presently free public education with your private for-profit version. Refuse to discuss the future of those unable to pay for your product. (You can't let them know that it's exactly what you want to happen. Make it seem natural, the circle of life, inevitable like death and taxes. . . well not TAXES. We HATE taxes.)

3.Make it sound like a good idea. Like all good salesmen, don't mention price, use doublespeak to deflect honest questions about service, hide the small print that outlines the responsibilities they must assume in the contract and do not reveal that you abjure any liability until your mark. . .ah, I I mean your "customer" has become emotionally invested and/or is bankrupt of any other options.
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dakotawoman
I dreamed I saw Joe Hill. . .old time Progressive
12:18 PM on 03/07/2011
Want to create a desperate, hungry labor pool that will accept without complaint whatever wages and conditions you decree because they don't know better, don't possess the thinking skills needed to learn better and have no political clout because you have disenfranchised and de-unionized them. the gravey is that you will trick them into helping you do it. the con is to convince them that anything except TOTAL INDIVIDUALISM is communist, and that cooperation is merely enabling the weak to parasite on the strong. If that is your aim, then here is a quick tutorial. (If I were a capitalist entrepreneur, I'd charge for this. Easy now, online. I could use PayPal.)

How To Destroy the American Middle Class and Create a Desperate Labor Pool Easy to Exploit:
Five Easy Steps.
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dakotawoman
I dreamed I saw Joe Hill. . .old time Progressive
12:18 PM on 03/07/2011
"Unless, of course, you really want your children to have that sort of job when they grow up."

I think you are getting dangerously close to the truth. If the capitalist corporatization of every level of American society continues its relentless assault, all playing fields will be purposefully and permanently "un-leveled."

The concept and ambition of "upward mobility" is clearly now out of fashion with whomever makes these decisions. The kind of American education developed over the last 100 years helped produce a huge middle class of relatively independent workers possessing some aspects of self-determination and choice. This model of worker now no longer serves the needs of those who own the means of production. A middle class endowed with options through adequate education is not the kind of worker now desired for the Brave New World being created for us.
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LearnMe
Native NY-er, father of 2, husband to 1. I teach
11:25 AM on 03/07/2011
Glad to hear there are some solutions. www.learnmeproject.com
05:37 PM on 03/06/2011
Thank you Author for the much needed humor. So as I see it: 1. Do not color my hair. 2. Lie about being a veteran teacher. 3. Say I've been teaching for only 3 years and, therefore, am at my prime!

It's a sad state of affairs what the business world and politicians have created in regards to education. Our children are hurting, and no one is discussing the real reasons education is troubled: cultural decline due to technology/media/pop culture etc, NCLB, devaluing of education, the entitlement generation....etc.
Oh sure, we have some bad teachers. That is not the fault of unions. That is the fault of poor administrative guidance. Teachers need to be involved in the reforms. Rather than sit back worrying and complaining, I have decided to try and get involved. I joined a website that has given me the opportunity to share my voice in policy making. I encourage all teachers to do the same. See below

Tweet: @VIVAProject     
Web:    www.vivateachers.org
FB:        The VIVA Project
11:29 AM on 03/08/2011
As a retired teacher, union member and now a school board member, one discussion that is never delved into is WHERE our worst teachers came from? (Hint: during teacher shortages, vast numbers of people were hired as quickly as possible. Who could prepare you the quickest for this new employment opportunity.....private for profit colleges. The unfortunate truth is that for profit colleges rarely weed out poor teacher candidates....because for every teacher eliminated from the program, PROFIT goes down!!! Many for profit colleges have such short student teacher practiums, in the military, they would be known as 90 day wonders)
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
gloriab
02:14 PM on 03/06/2011
After 30 years of being an educator, I now realize there are two times people are jealous of teachers-in summers and when they retire.
I can't tell you how many people have told me they would never do what I do.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
whyus
San Francisco native
11:15 PM on 03/05/2011
Wasn't it only yesterday that you saw bumper stickers saying: "If you can read this, thank a teacher!" Those were the good 'ol days. Now there are those who have never stepped into a classroom telling the world that teachers are no good and should be fired.
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Arthur Goldstein
07:57 AM on 03/06/2011
Without teachers, it would be a lot easier for demagogues like Scott Walker to impose their anti-middle class policies. When those darn kids question things as a matter of course, it's always more difficult for crooked pols to enrich the rich.
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GEM-592
Edit your micro-bio.
08:17 PM on 03/05/2011
And it's ... satire by a nose. Let's go to the photo finish.
11:48 PM on 03/04/2011
blacksheep1: There's an army that needs your help: Ghaddafi's forces in Libyia.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
PaulCircharo
09:23 PM on 03/04/2011
teachers are really being singled out here in the media. they should go on strike all across the country. lets see the gop reaction to that. theyd prob try and have them all arrested
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
sydneymoon
Dismiss what insults your own soul - WW
08:03 AM on 03/05/2011
Teachers are a visible part of the community thus an easy target.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
c8edid
05:06 PM on 03/04/2011
If we continue to fund war rather than education, we will get what we deserve (and it will be bleak to say the least).
11:31 PM on 03/04/2011
Isn't that how Sparta failed? Just sayin'.
liltrix
My micro-bio has a mind of it's own.
05:04 PM on 03/04/2011
I find it really funny that there are so many people with tons of money who think they know what teaching is all about without setting a foot in the classroom to try to teach. No where do I hear from any billionaire, Republican OR Democrat where they actually consult teachers on how to teach and what makes an effective practice in teaching. All I hear is that they want teachers to teach to tests (memorization). I have 9 years of teaching experience and I can tell you THAT is not teaching. If you're looking for memorization standards THAT is what you want. But if you're looking to actually educate kids and adults, that is not education.
11:32 PM on 03/04/2011
From a Harvard drop out, no else. And someone followed in his shoes: Zuckerberg!
11:40 PM on 03/04/2011
I meant to type no less!
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
balloonloon
Purveyor of cool hot air...
05:03 PM on 03/04/2011
Two passioned-driven teachers recently (in their unpaid spare time)
formed a chorus (late February 2011) recruited from a diverse elementary
school student body; to date, the original eleven chorus members have
increased to thirty. Big Things Have Small Beginnings:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQJjkEgnk4E