Pay It Backwards: An Act Of Coffee Kindness

Just before Christmas of 2007, almost exactly a year ago, I steered into a Starbucks drive-thru line for a cup of tea on my way to teach a morning tai chi lesson. There were a few cars in line, and I got in behind them. When my turn came I gave my order at the billboard menu and moved up as far as I could while waiting patiently for the cars in front of me to get through the cashier line. While the South Florida weather would probably would have felt tropical to much of the rest of the country, I was a bit chilled and was looking forward to my hot drink.

The fellow in the SUV behind me reached the menu. Dissatisfied with the alignment between his mouth and the microphone, he laid on his horn, leaned out his window, yelled an insult and exhorted me to move up. There was nowhere to go. I was in a line, and mere inches separated my car from the one in front of me. Indignant at rudeness, I felt my temper come up, and because I am a pure and enlightened being who entertains nothing but positive thoughts, I reached for the door handle with the intention popping out of the car, taking a few steps, reaching into his open window, and sending him to the dentist for a holiday visit.

I'll show you what happens to rude and impatient people, I thought. I'll teach you that a martial artist is waiting in every car around you with the express mission of settling the world down into just the fair, quiet, and patient place they think it should be. Running that tape in my head, my ire grew even further. Testosterone and adrenaline flooded my body and in a few seconds I had transformed from the peaceful, content, slightly thirsty writer/teacher to a raving lunatic. My heartbeat was up, my hands were clammy, my muscles were tense, and the whole world had constricted down to the tiny business of completing my hostile mission.

Then I glanced in the mirror. The face of the impatient driver behind me was florid and twisted with anger and hate. I refocused my eyes and noticed that my own face didn't look much different. Whatever plague had taken him had penetrated the steel and glass of my car to infect me too, robbing me of my much-vaunted equilibrium, my peace, my balance, my equanimity--precisely that thing that my beloved tai chi training, and the Chinese philosophy behind it prizes most highly.

I teach my students that it is best not to lose that balance--wuji in Chinese--through meditation, breathing, and tai chi training, but when you do, you can use any of three "doors" to get it back. Door number one is meeting force with force: I could go ahead and start a fight. Door number two is yielding: I could kowtow on the concrete, admit to being an idiot, and beg the other driver's forgiveness. The best option, however, is door number three. That door is different every time. The trick is to figure out what that is.

The car in front of me moved off and I pulled up to pay. "I'd like to buy the coffee for the guy behind me," I said.

The barista looked at me in surprise. "But he's a jerk!"

"Just having a bad day, " I said. "Happens to the best of us."

"A random act of kindness, eh?"

I shook my head, thinking how I could explain door number three to her before the guy rammed my bumper with his. "Not really. I'm not doing it for him; I'm doing it for me. I was mad right back at him, but now that I'm doing this I feel much better."

I had only a $10 bill in my wallet, and I handed it over. She checked her order screen. "He has ordered breakfast for five people. It's a lot more than ten dollars."

That gave me pause. I'd already regain my wuji. Did I really need to go through with more? I took out my credit card and handed it over.

She searched my face. "You're sure?"

"Do it," I said.

After I'd signed the charge slip, I drove away without a backward glance. I had found my door number three, was finished with the act, and indeed was already forgetting about it. I didn't want to meet the guy on the road, either to hear thanks or more yelling, so I took a circuitous root to my lesson, avoiding the main highway.

Six hours later, I returned home to find my answering machine full of messages from the Starbucks manager, and from a reporter for NBC news. They had me using my credit card information. Apparently the guy behind me had continued my act of giving and the person behind him had done the same, and on and on. No doubt encouraged by the store manager, the chain was intact well into the afternoon. NBC covered the story. You can see view it here:

Consciousness

The news spread around the world. Within 24 hours I had received calls and e-mails from as far away as Australia. The key point, of course, is that I had performed a random act of consciousness rather than a random act of kindness. I'd nearly lost my cool, had retrieved it, and done something good for myself and someone else in the process.

In a sense, you can think of this as self-centered, but in a good way. Keeping your cool, maintaining your wuji is just like putting your own oxygen mask on in a damaged airplane before helping those around you. If you pass out, you can't help anyone. If you lose your temper, you are of no good to the world. Cool, calm and collected you are ready and willing to participate in the world.

Violent crimes and burglaries are up this holiday season. The financial crisis is creating anxiety, depression, desperation and anger. Spread the word about wuji. Do your best to control your own feelings before acting rashly. Think twice before doing or saying something you'll regret. Random acts of consciousness are perhaps even more contagious than random acts of kindness. Raise your level of view, dig deep for perspective, and help make this a more peaceful holiday season for everyone.

Follow Arthur Rosenfeld on Twitter: www.twitter.com/machobuddha

Comments

[kstuff]

What a thoughtful gesture. Have a drink on me. Would be a great marketing idea, but that's clearly not the point.

[swatijr]

fully brilliant. more of this in our society please!
www.swatijr8.wordpress.com

[chotii]

I have to admit, the idea that somebody might track you down based on your credit card info....scares me too. Though I have done the same myself, honestly: found a Costco credit card lying in a grocery store parking lot, took it in to the service desk at the store. They said they would hold it for a couple of days, but if the woman didn't claim it, they would simply destroy it. They would not contact Costco nor attempt to contact the owner of the card. So....I took the card away with me again, and contacted Costco myself. They contacted the cardholder to reassure her all was well, and I dropped the card off (well out of my way) at the Customer Service desk at Costco the next day.

I was quite willing to search the woman out myself, using the white pages and/or Google, but I feared her reaction (alarm and distress) and this did not prove necessary. It's not always bad to use people's card information.....but it would STILL alarm me.

[TruthAndTheory]

That's awesome! And I thought I was being generous with a $10 tip for a $5 cab ride. This takes the cake of kindness!

(too bad Wal-Mart doesn't see it that way. They stopped a goo samaritan from handing out wal-mart gift cards in front of the store)

[SmeltFisher]

I've found most people have a good side, and it will pop out with but a little provocation.

I, however wryly would contend that once the person in front of you has already paid for your goods, even the least empathetic among us would feel almost obligated to balance things out, since we already had planned to spend some money anyway. It would be awfully hard to take a freebie from the person in front and then pocket the cash you probably already had out in your hand.

But perhaps that's the point. By setting in motion an act of giving, a balance is sought by giving back. Then, the act of giving brings a justified self-satisfaction in addition to the gift already received!

[mckinley]

Cool!

[ouroborous]

Kudos.

All of us should learn from your example, take a deep breath and think about the effects of our actions before we do them, and try to repay rudeness and unkindness with kindness.

[TrueBlueMajority]

I'd like to do that, but I'm so cynical that I always wonder whether the person operating the cash register will just charge the person behind me anyway, keeping my money too.

sometimes I pay the toll for the person behind me on the Mass Pike Brighton exit. It's only $1.25 and I usually have that to spare. I couldn't afford to buy breakfast for five!

[ShinesLikeGold]

What a great thing to do! The world could use more people like you...we all get too upset over the smallest things.

[Fernando]

This is an awesome story, really, really touching.
Two things:
1) Having worked at Starbucks customer center department in Seattle I've dealt with my share of over-the-edge customers, literally livid over -of all things- coffee. So the image of the man in the SUV is real to me, I talked to people like him almost everyday.

2) This is the kind of stuff Starbucks loves. They'll go the extra mile for a customer and I'd be surprised if they didn't give Mr. Rosenfeld some huge incentive for his beautiful act.

Admittedly, feel good news tend to be boring but this one made my day. Merry Christmas, everyone!

[mckinley]

Starbucks has a customer service CALL CENTER???

[Arthur Rosenfeld - Huffpost Blogger]

Fernando,
There was no help from Starbucks and no connection/reward there either, but as I wrote in the article I'm sure the store manager encouraged her staff to ask people if they'd like to keep the "chain" going and also contacted media about the event. Of course the real point of the story is not that it was an act of kindness but an act of consciousness, not what transpired with others after I did what I did, but my ability to regain my emotional equilibrium.
Have a wonderful holiday season.

[21whs]

Mr, Rosenfeld,
I was very moved by your story and passed it on to dozens of friends and family members.
It caused me to think very hard about what I would have done. I'm in a scary financial situation that causes me (through fear) to hold onto every penny I can. I would hope that if I had been in that line, I would have continued your act of consciousness raising instead of feeling like I had scored free coffee and driven off without paying for the person behind me. What you have taught me though, is the difference between scoring $3.00 and doing something whose effects ripple through hundreds of lives and becomes an inspirational story to millions! What a lesson.

I have been trying to find things on line about "the third door" and haven't had any luck. Is that a term that you created or is it an older philosophy? If so, could you direct me to a website or book that discusses "the third door?"

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

[timmmahhhh]

Wow, Mr. Rosenfeld, very inspiring. And you have inspired me. Like rbryanh I will reevaluate my anger toward Obama's choice of Rick Warren for his inauguration.

[photodon]

Thank you for reminding me of this act of kindness. I think I may try it tomorrow just for fun and in the spirit of the season.

Peace ..

Don

[Siren]

Someone once paid our bridge toll on the Dumbarton Bridge(SFO bay area).

[sitandgrin]

I love that this goes beyond a random act of kindness and gives a real life example of keeping our balance and the immeasurable effects it can have. Wonderful stuff!

[rbryanh]

You've caused me to reevaluate some of the writing I've done with regard to Barack Obama's selection of Rick Warren. I've been frustrated by the sense that my anger is useless, accomplishing nothing other than making a dark, gray Seattle winter that much grayer.

I once participated in a White House demonstration in response to Reagan's refusal to acknowledge AIDS. The police donned big yellow rubber gloves to humiliate the protestors they were arresting. The mood was ugly until one transcendently brilliant drag queen began chanting, "Your gloves. Don't. Match your shoes..." The crowd took it up, the police were shamed, most took off the gloves, no violence occurred, and I got to have sex while handcuffed in the back of a paddy wagon.

Wuji indeed.

[BelGazou]

Yeah, nothing like a little anonymous, unprotected sex bring to bring attention to the AID's epidemic.