Recently, my life has gone from mediocre to mayhem. I went from a life in the 'burbs with a boyfriend, three dogs and a cookie cutter future, to having 2 million people watching and scrutinizing my newly single, completely chaotic existence. I've been called Princess, Diva, and Bitch, but I am mainly known for my feisty personality, tell-it-like-it-is attitude and brutal honesty.
My name is Ashley and I am the new-age Carrie Bradshaw. I don't have the Manolos, loft in Manhattan or my own book, yet. I do have my own proverbial "Mr Big," (henceforth referred to as "Bug"), a set of fabulous girlfriends and many dating, travel and sexy stories for you to sink your teeth into. Why make you wait? Let's talk about sex, baby...
We've all been taught when making a monetary purchase that testing is essential. Don't buy the shoes before you walk a line, try the jeans on to make sure your ass doesn't look big and always take the car and the man for a test drive before committing.
My girlfriends and I have been calling my current men Bachelor #1, 2 and 3.
Bachelor number 1 is my longtime crush and hometown hottie. He would be like a Corvette: strong, he has a great job as a SWAT officer, dependable, just bought his first home and sexy: standing at 6'2, muscular, tan with green eyes. He is everything you'd expect from a sports car. We would make beautiful babies. (Yes, I think of things like this!)
Our first date was incredibly romantic, snuggling under the Golden Gate Bridge. The second time we went out, it was a classic, comfortable dinner. Our third date, what I like to call the make-or-break date, came a week later. I went to his new home to hang out and we both knew what was on the agenda. "Gentlemen, start your engines!" As things got hot and heavy, my hand made its way to his shifter... and I'll say what every woman wants to but won't: It's not just the motion of the ocean, size DOES matter! This car is great to look at, but the ride was not fun OR worth the monthly payments.
Bachelor number 2 is an old Mustang. An ex-boyfriend turned loser, he is going nowhere quickly. This guy's paint definitely needs a touch up, he backfires every 5 minutes and I'd tell you about our dates if we had any. I still let myself take a ride... and man oh man, that baby purrs in the bedroom. Our past comfort lead to hilarious moments -- one night during crazy sex he fell off the bed, jumped back on me and said "5 second rule!" This is one of those moments where I wish I didn't drive it, because mid-orgasm all you want to do is purchase. DON'T! This not a car you want to be seen in public with!
Bachelor number 3, you should get used to. Bug is a Tigger-loving, Batman-obsessed, Justin Timberlake-singing, skinny jean-wearing guy whose job is to be good with his words. Bug is my Lamborghini -- the car everyone wants to ride in, the car that will turn heads and make your heart race. When Bug and I talk about sex, it has to correlate with music "Babe! You have light and sensual sex with Gaye and Thicke, JT is the fun sex and Nine Inch Nails and Muse is the steamy I need it rough and now sex." Bug is never in the same city for more than 3 days, is young and acts like it, and tends to be hot and cold, but when he's hot, he's hot! While a Lamborghini is fun, and you can innocently text, tweet and flirt... you know you need a second car to fulfill your needs and I'm not naive enough to think I'm his only driver.
When it comes to cars, it's always about research. Why would we put any less time into our men? Kick those tires, definitely check under the hood and enjoy your test drives, because there isn't a Kelly Blue Book for relationships.
Ashley Lindley is currently on MTV's The Real World: DC which airs Wednesdays at 10pm ET/PT on MTV.