Attorney General Michael Mukasey is scheduled to appear tomorrow on Capitol Hill, to face the Senate Judiciary Committee. It will be Mukasey's first oversight hearing since his just-barely-confirmation last fall. As expected, the hearing will likely focus on Mukasey's reluctant, vague, could-you-repeat-the-question answers as to whether or not he considers waterboarding to be torture. Which, um, we don't do. Torture? We don't do torture.
DJ Mucus (as we can only assume Bush has nicknamed him) has been busy laying out his avoidance plan, making firm statements like, "I do not think it would be responsible for me, as attorney general, to provide [that] answer."
What is your responsibility Mr. ATTORNEY GENERAL, deciding what snacks will be stocked in the Justice Dept. break room?
He also suggested to reporters that he might never feel compelled to answer the question, no matter how often it was asked by lawmakers and the press.
I hope the committee asks, "is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture is it torture?" for like, eight or nine hours.
Further declining the responsibilities of his job, Mukasey suggests that waterboarding might be reintroduced under the process by which any new interrogation method would be vetted. Which would go a little something like this:
First, the CIA director would have to determine the technique was required.
Second, the attorney general would have to determine the technique is lawful under the particular conditions and circumstances proposed.
Lastly, the president would have to approve of the use of the technique.
Check, check, done. Wow, that was hard.
But I would add that an essential element of reintroduction is a snappy name change. Don't just tack on a word, like "Waterboarding Zero" or "New Waterboarding." People aren't stupid, they'll know it's the same thing. How about "Aqua Inquiry"? Say it over and over for, like, eight or nine hours.
Yeah, it's a tongue twister, but everything's bent anyway.