Liposuction: The Key to Energy Independence

Everyone talks about our terrible dependency on oil -- foreign and otherwise -- but hardly anyone mentions what it is. Fossil fuel, all right, but whose fossils? Mostly tiny plants called diatoms, but quite possibly a few Barney-like creatures went into the mix, like Stegosaurus, Brontosaurus and other giant reptiles that shared the Jurassic period with all those diatoms. What we are burning in our cars and keeping our homes warm or cool with is, in other words, a highly processed version of corpse juice.

Think of this for a moment, if only out of respect for the dead. There you were, about 100 million years ago, maybe a contented little diatom or a great big Brontosaurus stumbling around the edge of a tar pit -- a lord of the earth. And what are you now? A sludge of long-chain carbon molecules that will be burned so that some mammalian biped can make a CVS run for Mountain Dew and chips.

It's an old human habit -- living off the road kill of the planet. There's evidence, for example, that early humans were engaged in scavenging before they figured out how to hunt for themselves. They'd scan the sky for circling vultures, dash off to the kill site -- hoping that the leopard that did the actual hunting had sauntered off for a nap -- and gobble up what remained of the prey. It was risky, but it beat doing your own antelope tracking.

We continue our career as scavengers today, attracted not by vultures but by signs saying "Safeway" or "Giant." Inside these sites, we find bits of dead animals wrapped neatly in plastic. The killing has already been done for us -- usually by underpaid immigrant workers rather than leopards.

I say to my fellow humans: It's time to stop feeding off the dead and grow up! I don't know about food, but I have a plan for achieving fuel self-suffiency in less time than it takes to say "Arctic National Wildlife Refuge." The idea came to me from reports of the growing crime of French fry oil theft: Certain desperate individuals are stealing restaurants' discarded cooking oil, which can then be used to fuel cars. So the idea is: why not could skip the French fry phase and harvest high-energy hydrocarbons right from ourselves?

I'm talking about liposuction, of course, and it's a mystery to me why it hasn't occurred to any of those geniuses who are constantly opining about fuel prices on MSNBC. The average liposuction removes about half a gallon of liquid fat, which may not seem like much. But think of the vast reserves our nation is literally sitting on! Thirty percent of Americans are obese, or about 90 million individuals or 45 million gallons of easily available fat -- not from dead diatoms but from our very own bellies and butts.

This is the humane alternative to biofuels derived directly from erstwhile foodstuffs like corn. Biofuels, as you might have noticed, are exacerbating the global food crisis by turning edible plants into gasoline. But we could put humans back in the loop by first turning the corn into Doritos and hence into liposuctionable body fat. There would be a reason to live again, even a patriotic rationale for packing on the pounds.

True, liposuction is not risk-free, as the numerous doctors' websites on the subject inform us. And those of us who insist on driving gas guzzlers may soon start depleting their personal fat reserves, much as heroin addicts run out of useable veins. But the gaunt, punctured, look could become a fashion statement. Already, the combination of a tiny waist and a huge carbon footprint--generated by one's Hummer and private jet -- is considered a sign of great wealth.

And think what it would do for our nation's self-esteem. We may not lead the world in scientific innovation, educational achievement, or low infant mortality, but we are the global champions of obesity. Go here and you'll find America well ahead of the pack when it comes to personal body fat, while those renowned oil-producers -- Saudi Arabia, Venezuela and Iran -- aren't even among the top 29. All we need is a healthy dose of fat pride and for CVS to start marketing home liposuction kits. That run for Mountain Dew and chips could soon be an energy-neutral proposition.

Comments

[TheKat]

Are you related to Robert?

Kitty Kaufman
www.corp-edge.com

[TheBlackCat]

HuffPost's Pick

Barbara,
So glad to see you on HuffPo!!! I have every one of your books, I just got a used copy of "Dancing in the Streets" last week but have yet to read it. I'm sure it will be fabulous like everything else you've written. I hope to see more of you here!!

[Wilburrr]

Think of the possibilities for corruption. The parents of that fat kid on the school playground will have to hire bodyguards. Underground networks would be set up with human slaves forced to eat so they can have their fat harvested before being sent back out on the chow lines. Starving children elsewhere in the world would find these illegal factories very enticing. I think this could be a very slippery slope...

[princessofnowt]

hmmm.... who's soylent green now?

I'll donate what I have to save the environment.
(when I lived in Ireland, I was fat, now in florida I am fit, which is wierd, cos I wear the same clothes. Hmm.)

[princessofnowt]

(in california, I am chubby in some counties)

[KELLI2L]

< Forget drilling along our coasts - ANWR is better (nobody can live there).
< Maybe we should be drilling where it's the easiest - in Iraq - lets get something out of that situation.
< After-all we have been paying out and now it's time to reap some rewards - the rewards the GOP promised us. . . remember?
What a pathetic situation. >

[KELLI2L]

What a novel idea !!!
The government can pay for the fat that is removed by a nation full of fat people.
The fat people make money - and the nation get fat for fuel. . . More donuts please !!!!

[terraprieto]

America has no energy crisis -- all the energy we need is around our waists!

My husband used to say this back in the 70's.

Forget liposuction. We all just need to get out of our cars and ride our bikes -- and if we ALL did it, it would be a safe method of transportation. Right now, it is just too dangerous to be on a bike with cars on the road.

[KELLI2L]

Americans can't walk - what with towing the kids w/them and all the stuff we need to take-along !!!
Please make more efficient SUVs !!!!

[marinastrez]

My husband could be the new Saudi Arabia ... :-)

[philistine]

That's harsh. Quite an amusing mental picture, but harsh.

[TRYKER]

Why should all the dead bodies go to waste? Why aren't we 'rendering' ourselves? Now thats what Bush could call 'extraordinary rendition", the current terminology for kidnapping and torturing is so inappropriate.

[KELLI2L]

Religious preferrences would be a good reason not to take your suggestion !!!!

[RRonin]

Possibly the funniest thing I've ever read on HuffPo!

[Donald Wolberg]

Alas, and despite the humor, there are no dinosaurs in oil, and much oil predates those mighty dinos by hundreds of millions of years. The seriousness of the crises is mosty the product of a Congress without the will to drill, as well as the special interests such as those Mr. Daschel represents looking for more tax dollars for the "corn-oholic" industry. "Corn-ohol" is expensive, destroys the environment, uses too much water, generates lots of CO2, and pollutes streams as well as raising the price of food. North America has more than 1 trillion ((1,000 billion) barrels of oil in tar sands and oil shale--more oil than in the entire Middle East combined and enough for the next 600 years at present U.S. consumption. There is oil off Florida, but the Chinese and Germans and Canadians have permits to drill, not Americans. Their permits are issued by the Cubans. There is oil off the Atlantic coast, the Pacific coast and the Gulf of Mexico, but American companies cannot drill. There is coal for 700 years, there is undeveloped natural gas for 500 years, and their is nuclear fuel for forever, but American industry is prevented from developing any of this. So let's stop beating on dinosaurs and let's beat on Congress and make these political dinosaurs take care of American needs.

[research]

Nuclear fuel Forever? Wrong! 25 years worth of the worlds energy then the uranium wars start.

Oil sand are inefficient, Shale is worse. these and Coal are inefficient, polluting, uses too much water and destroys entire mountain ridges.

Natural gas is worth pursuing. Cleanest of the hydrocarbons, renewable as well.

But the fastest answer is Wind, followed by Solar.

3 years to over 50 GW of Wind power installed PER YEAR. That's 50 Nuclear power plants worth without the uranium limit nor the million year deadly waste.

See my profile for details and links.

[philistine]

Let's not forget conservation, recycling and reuse, which generate immediate savings that could buy us the time to get other sources online.

[KELLI2L]

I agree - IMO this oil is not from the long dead dinasaurs (that sounds rediculous) I don't care how big they were, their remains couldn't possibly amount to all that oil - whey down there !

And I also say that it is probably a much needed inner earth lubricant that the platelets can't do without and once drained will cause all kinds of inner earth problems - beware of more drilling.

[turner5spot]

The thing I can't understand is why the Democrats are bringing up the line about 68 million acres that are drillable? Are they for drilling, just in particular areas?

And if you are an environmentalist, you would think you would want to put as few drills down as possible. Why would you start drilling in areas that don't show promise? Wouldn't you think environmentalists would only drill where the best chance of oil will be hit?

The Democrats seem to be losing this issue. First, Obama votes for Domestic Spying, now the Democrats come out for drilling on 68 million acres where there's a good chance we'll come up dry?

At least Obama hasn't spouted those words. (or not that I've heard anyway).

[philistine]

"But think of the vast reserves our nation is literally sitting on!"

Very funny post, Ms. Ehrenreich! I put it in the same category as Twain's "A Modest Proposal." Thanks for brightening my day, especially in light of George Carlin's passing.

[AZWolfster]

Um... I think you mean Swift, not Twain... A Modest Proposal was the first thing that came to my mind too.

[philistine]

Dang it, my mind is slipping. I did mean Twain, but was thinking of "The Facts Concerning the Recent Carnival of Crime in Connecticut."

"in conclusion, I wish to state, by way of advertisement, that medical colleges desiring assorted tramps for scientific purposes, either by the gross, by cord measurement or per ton, will do well to examine the lot in my cellar...."

Priceless.

[philistine]

Swift's "A Modest Proposal" is apropos as well.

Cheers!

[Thurber]

Perfect!

[Sciguy]

It figgers. I just got home, made a nice ice cream sundae, and brought it in to the computer room to snarf while reading HuffPost. I came upon this article, and read it. And felt guilty.

Of COURSE I finished the sundae! :-)

[londubh]

Let's see 45 million gallons of fat is about 818,000 barrels. That would produce the same number of barrels of biodiesel. The US consumes a little over 4.1 million barrels of diesel a day. That would last about 4-5 hours.