Why an Older Autism Mom Wishes Life Was as Simple as Mike Savage

I swore I wouldn't waste a lot of time dealing with Michael Savage, the radio talk show scold, who recently made the ridiculous claim that the autism epidemic is caused by bad parenting. But perhaps there is one more thing that needs to be said: Mr. Savage, if only you were right. If only it was true that the kids are mere brats and all we need is a visit from The Nanny.

If you were right, then life would be monumentally easier for most of us.

We could dump the special education classes -- and the legal battles over them. We could pay our last uninsured medical bills to the brave doctors who are bucking the system to find a cure. We could flush the last costly round of food supplements down the toilet. We could go to a restaurant without whispering "hands in pockets" to our kids to remind them not to touch anyone else's plate. We could hear some of them who can't speak, or haven't spoken in years say "Mom." Just "Mom." Or "Dad."

We could go to bed at night without worrying what will happen to our kids when we die.

And all it would take would be to brush up our parenting skills.

Like "brushing up your Shakespeare?" As easy as that?

Oh, if only it was true, "Doc" Savage, you of the Ph.D. in epidemiology and nutritional science. Did your coursework happen to include a class in common sense?

Seventeen years ago our son Daniel -- yes, like many autism families we have a strong father figure -- stopped talking at the age of three and a half after being able to converse at varying levels in four languages. He lost all of his toilet training, ate glass from the playground and didn't care a whit for any of his beloved toys. In researching what the hell could have happened to him, I read about an old and discredited theory that blamed cold mothers for autism -- thank you Bruno Bettelheim -- and discarded it quickly, myself. Mommy nursed -- for almost a year. Mommy hugged. Mommy took Danny all over the world holding him in a cuddly and then in a kid-carrier type backpack so he could see the sights while feeling safe and close. When he began to walk -- early -- I held his hand and, together we explored Latin America and Asia.

Not long after the diagnosis, I caught my mother in-law flipping through an article about Bettelheim. "You know," she said. "It would be easier if he was right." Her wry, dark humor was something I always appreciated, even when the times were equally dark. "At least then you would know how to fix the kid."

Michael Savage, my mother-in-law had as many degrees as you do and hers were in special education, a coincidence that, as sad and ironic as it was, turned out to be a blessing for us as well. Often over the years with Daniel -- many of our struggles have been chronicled here on the Huffington Post -- I have fantasized that all it would take to make Daniel "normal" again would be the right therapist -- or nanny -- for me. I am smart. I am determined. I am goal-oriented. I, too, have published books and I have taught at universities. If such a human being existed, I would have found him, or her, by now.

Michael Savage, there is a new discussion in the autism community regarding whether we should revile you, or pity you? I have a third suggestion. Perhaps we should ask you if you'd like to see one of our best autism professionals yourself? By your own admission you sound like you, too, are on our kids' spectrum. You have noted that as a little boy you demonstrated "ritualistic" behaviors, ones that are very much like the kind that keep our kids out of sync with the real world.

And then, there is the issue of "inappropriate outbursts."

Sadly, our kids have them.

Sadly it sounds like you do too.

Follow Barbara Fischkin on Twitter: www.twitter.com/barbarafischkin

Comments

[gwhizz]

Welcome to my world. As a parent of a child with severe ADHD, I have been accused of bad parenting, being unwilling or unable to "control" my (now teenage) child, laziness because I stooped so low as to seek medical help for what was CLEARLY as simple as saying "no" to her.

I stand in solidarity and support with parents of autistic children against the ignorance spewed by these "experts" who've never had the pleasure of dealing one-on-one with such a child.

Bless you!

[consciousmom]

This is a lovely article that points out the many emotional complexities in having a child with autism. While I do not have a child with autism, I'm thankful to the parents who shared their stories about their children's experiences with vaccines. Especially for my son -- who suffered with digestive problems early on, and according to Natasha Campbell McBride gut flora is related to our ability to process out toxins like mercury from the body -- I'm grateful to have heard the stories of other parents so that I could make different choices.
Michael Savage's comments are hurtful because they paint a picture of the parents of autistic children as uncaring and lazy parents, when in fact, the opposite is true. The parents I know of children on this spectrum are absolutely committed to their children and spend an inordinate amount of time searching for help, regardless of their education level. These mothers know their children well enough to know that there is a problem, even when doctors and other professionals tell them their children are "just fine." It seems that parents of autistic children have to endure being told that it's all their fault, or it's all in their head. Which is worse?

Lisa
http://www.holistic-treatment-for-depression.com

[ARTIST50]

Michael Savage is a hateful human being that adds nothing but negativity to the world. The one thing I know as a mother is that parents know their children. Though fortunately I have not had a child with autism I totally support you parents living with this difficult problem. I trust that you know in your heart that your child had a profound change in their behavior. Please know that you have personal and political supporters for your cause. Every child deserves the best education they are capable of.

[Barbara Fischkin - Huffpost Blogger]

thank you. I hope you know how much this means to me, my family and the entire autism community.

[iowamomof2]

I think part of the problem here is with the "epidemic" language that makes it seem like it's a panic situation. I know I'm in the minority that does not believe this is all vaccine related. Perhaps people like Savage hear all of the screaming and none of the evidence of the many people who were autistic through the years. I don't believe at all that this is some new phenomenon like many portray. One end of the spectrum was never seen and the other end of the spectrum was the nerd in school that liked to do wierd things by himself.

50, 60, 70 years ago if your child was non-verbal staring into space flapping his hands you can bet he was put into an institution. If your child was reading by the time he was 3 and drawing maps freehand he was a genius. This is not new. Our kids need to be taught, there needs to be funding for special education. There needs to be more understanding and acceptance.

Even with idiots like Savage that say things that feel like someone punched me in the stomach, I'm glad my child was born in this century.

[Barbara Fischkin - Huffpost Blogger]

Dear Iowa Mom

Thank you so much for this and for your assessment of Savage. I too felt punched in the stomach. And I am equally relieved that my son was born in these times instead of in the Willowbrook era. It is long forgotten in some circles that the person who busted Willowbrook was none other than Geraldo Rivera. He got a key to the place from author and raconteur Malachy McCourt - who had a family member there - and started filming.

Having said the above though I must disagree with you about the epidemic. It exists.Research has shown that autism as it looks today was not seen in such numbers years ago, although it was seen among children who had Mercury poisoning. I am not saying that all autism is Mercury related. But I do believe that a huge chunk of it is either related to Mercury poisoning or to other environmental toxicities. And as a result we have an epidemic and indeed reason to panic. Our sociey is not prepared to assist and teach and include the children of this epidemic when they become adults.

Again thank you for writing!

[Sandnsea]

Iowamom,

Twenty-five years ago when I got my M.S. in Education, autism was very rarely seen; I remember a friend teaching in special ed. commenting because she had a child with autism in her classroom, it was that rare. Today this is not the case. A psychologist I know has worked in early intervention (with children under the age of 3) for years and said the same thing - the rise in the number of cases goes beyond the increased awareness of the need for developmental screening.

I don't buy into the vaccine argument, partly because of the significant difference in the gender representation seen in children with autism, where boys are much more frequently diagnosed. Environmental issues however are another story - there I do think the answer may be found.

Savage is living up to his name - and I am very tired of the lack of civility that has developed with the rise of cable shows and hosts who seem to only live to interrupt their guests and throw vitriolic rants at those who might disagree with them or those who are unable to. Informed discussion is the exception not the rule. With M. Savage's comments on autism, I wonder if the best response may be just to ignore him....the folks who watch him are probably not watching him to gain new information to expand their minds.

my two cents FWIW!

[ThinkForYourself2]

This is a human rights issue that everyone should be concerned about and I think it's time to organize regular protests until things change. Parents should have all the necessary data to make informed decisions about vaccines and should not be coerced into vaccinating their children with these poisons.

[Jmulvaney]

After hearing Mr. Savage blame autism on lack of "strong" fathers I looked around at fellows who find themselves participating in the care of children on the spectrum. As a part-time coach of an ice hockey team for kids/young adults with autism, I ask Mr. Savage to pick a rink where we can both drop our gloves to allow him the opportunity to demonstrate that we don't measure up to his standard for macho. There is an old Eskimo saying warning against fighting with a Mama Polar Bear. I would say the same warning would be true regarding Autism Dads. So, Tough Guy, when and where?
Jim Mulvaney
Long Beach, NY

[Barbara Fischkin - Huffpost Blogger]

Jim,

You are NOT going to challenge Mike Savage to a duel of any kind. Not even at a hockey rink. There are rules and there are refs. (See Confidential Souces: Chapter One).

Note to dear readers:
1.See above for interesting way to communicate with husband in 21st century.
2. But the hockey team for kids with disabilities is great. http://www.demita.com/longislandbluesbasic.html
Maybe Mr. Savage would like to come to a game?

[Jmulvaney]

Still would like to add reply to Savage's suggestion that autism caused by lack of strong fathers. As part time hockey coach of a team of autistic kids, I invite Mr. Savage to name the rink and drop the gloves to back up claim that fathers of children on the spectrum not quite up to his macho standards.

[Kim Stagliano - Huffpost Blogger]

My money's on YOU Mulvaney! See you Sunday at Surf Pal's in Long Beach! (NY, not CA)

Kim

[foe2Hg]

Thank you, Barbara!

I see yahoo has this on its opinion page--way to go!!

http://news. yahoo.com/ s/huffpost/ 20080723/ cm_huffpost/ 114370

Also, I feel the need to mention to ramara and any who describe the Bettelheim days/Orthogenic School that we are talking about children who were harmed by an environmental toxin. Most by their routine childhood vaccines. Bettelheims "child perception-cold mother" theory was bullshit. He was SO wrong and these poor children and their mother's (families) suffered cruelly.

Savage's comments are equally wrong and disturbing. Gone are the days where parents of children with autism hide in the dark as horrible opinions and theories are slung their way. These children have always been medically ill and it is a sin that insult has always been added to their injury.

Keep up the fight!

Teresa

[Barbara Fischkin - Huffpost Blogger]

Teresa

Thank you so much for this and the yahoo link. And thanks also to ramara, even if on some things from the past we don't exactly see eye-to-eye. It's my view that the crime of Bettelheim and many others from that era was that they sent mothers to shrinks, instead of pushing for the considerable research needed to determine the cause of autism. If they had pushed for that research, the CDC might have been pressured to take Mercury out of vaccinations decades earlier. Instead the doctors of yore were treating the "wrong" patient. The mother instead of the child.

Not that I discount the impact of loss during pregnancy - both my parents died when I was pregnant with Danny. I think that it has an effect. I just don't think it causes autism and certainly not the epidemic we see today which is so clearly related to environmental toxins. A complicated topic for a blog comment. Someday I hope to write more on these ideas, giving them the due space and time they deserve. This blog discussion reminds me that I must do that and so, again, I thank my readers.

[oey]

Excellent. Thank you.

[Patrik]

Thank You Barbara

[mogrammy]

Barb,
This is so good that if i thought it would make Savage less savage I would fly your message to him myself. You really know how to hit him in the gut with words. I love it.
Thanks for writing this.

Maurine Meleck
South Carolina

[Barbara Fischkin - Huffpost Blogger]

Maurine,

Many thanks to you and everyone else who has commented. Don't forget that brilliant idea. Maybe we can get a heliocopter and land on "enemy" territory.

[rebecca562]

This is so nicely written, Barbara. I know how much you would do or change to make your son "normal." But I wonder if you are letting Savage off the hook. It seems to me that he has the ability to control his inappropriate outbursts.

[Kim Stagliano - Huffpost Blogger]

Pitch perfect, Barbara.

KIM

[rkx13]

term limits on radio hosts that use the public airways.
make it 10 years by that time you have all the money and fame you need.
give the country a break.

[ramara]

Lovely article. I have a niece with autism, and have gone through various stages of family learning to cope. Sadly, I lived far away and didn't get to help when she was little. I was wondering if Savage had ever met an autistic child or adult.


I also worked at Bettelheim's Orthogenic School in the 1970's. I don't think he ever said it was caused by cold mothers, but rather by the child's perception. In my work, the consistent factor was a loss suffered by the mother during her pregnancy or during the baby's infancy, with depression. I know that my sister is not a cold mother and never was - and my niece has strong relationships with family and friends.

Good wishes for you and your family.