Are You The Left Out Grandparent?

Originally posted on Grandparents.com

So I'm sitting downstairs in the living room feeling useless while upstairs my daughter-in-law and her mother scurry about, attending to the new baby girl who has just arrived home from the hospital. I have been a grandmother for five days, and this is my first taste of Mother of the Father Syndrome.

Don't get me wrong. I adore my daughter-in-law and I'm confident the feeling is mutual. We love taking long walks together and chatting over endless cups of mint tea. If we weren't related by marriage, we would be good friends. I am close to her mother, too.

And yet.

There is a mysterious transmission of accumulated wisdom and babycare know-how that seems to pass along bloodlines from maternal grandmothers to their adult daughters. No doubt this is biology at work, and paternal grandmothers are simply not part of that intimate loop. Still, I successfully raised a child myself and so when my daughter-in-law turns primarily to her mother for advice, I'm caught off guard. Feeling like a third wheel on a hot date is not something I anticipated.

In fact, I only realized I felt this way about two minutes ago when I poked my head in the door of the baby's room. Mother and daughter were hovering over the wriggling infant, animatedly discussing diaper rash. Having nothing pithy to add to the conversation, I backed out of the room. They didn't seem to notice.

My ego is bruised slightly, but I console myself with three thoughts. The first, which I will not admit to anyone else for fear of ruining my chances of ever being asked to take care of my granddaughter, is that my own babycare skills actually feel a tad rusty. When I briefly had the baby to myself in the hospital, I was so terrified of accidentally dropping or suffocating her that I left the door open so that if anything untoward happened the nurses would hear me shrieking.

The second thought that soothes my insecure grandmother soul is that the baby will never know -- or care -- which of her two grandmothers was most on the ball about diaper rash, burping, or gas.

But third, and most important, my daughter-in-law's reliance on her mother is not a rejection of me. As the primary caretaker of the baby, at this early stage of parenthood, when her life -- and body -- are in a state of red alert, it is natural for her to seek refuge in her greatest comfort zone -- her own mother. It's not about you, I admonish myself.

The truth is, I am lucky. Yes, I sometimes feel jealous of The Other Grandmother. Yes, I sometimes feel as though I'm back in junior high when I start obsessing that my granddaughter will love her more. Still, in our extended family, which includes step- as well as biological grandparents, everyone treats everyone else with respect. I know that this is not always the case.

Oh, the stories I hear!

I have one friend, a paternal grandmother, who has been kept at arm's length since the day her grandson, now 2, was born. "We will tell you exactly when you can see the baby, and for how long," this woman's son told her over the phone from the hospital. The time allotted for her visits turns out to be one hour each week. She's never been permitted to hold her grandson and has yet to spend time alone with him, although the maternal grandmother is a household fixture. My friend, who previously considered herself close to her son, is furious, confused, grief-stricken.

It kills me to reinforce stereotypes, but in families where the paternal grandmother is made to feel like chopped liver, it's usually the daughter-in-law who calls the shots. In the new book I edited, Eye of My Heart: 27 Writers Reveal the Hidden Pleasures and Perils of Being a Grandmother (Harper, 2009), Claire Roberts writes: "My grandkids seem to have great affection for me. But to my son's wife, I am the dreaded abominable mother-in-law." E-mails between Roberts and her two granddaughters, ages 10 and 13, are closely monitored by their parents and the girls undergo a debriefing worthy of the CIA whenever they've spent time with Roberts. She explains that they "understand that there's 'a situation' with Gramma and their mother -- and, therefore, with their father, too.

Sometimes it's not the daughter-in-law, but her mother who asserts herself as Number One Nana. In another essay in the book, Judith Viorst (author of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day) relates this story: "A friend of mine complains that whenever she takes her son's children on an outing, she gets a thank-you note from the other grandmother, full of appreciation for the time she has spent with the boys and services she has rendered to the family. Though these thank-you notes are gracious, oh so gracious, they leave my friend feeling peeved and patronized. For the way this woman competes, she says, "is to treat me as if I'm some sort of helpful assistant rather than someone who's on a par with her.'"

Okay, so maybe my mother-of-the-father ego gets roughed up a little every now and then -- whose doesn't? Still, I never forget that I'm one of the lucky ones. I count my blessings daily for not being among the hapless half Margaret Mead described when she wrote: "Of all the peoples whom I have studied, from city dwellers to cliff dwellers, I always find that at least 50 percent would prefer to have at least one jungle between themselves and their mothers-in-law."

Comments

[whoknew---]

Love your grandkids, offer advice when asked only, and remember that your grandkids are not your kids the parents are the ones who have sway as to how they are to be raised.

Also remember to allow your children to do the best they can, even mistakes (as long as they are not harmful ones)in raising your grandchild happens.

Celebrate that your children have become parents and tell them if they ever need help you will be there for all of them..

Best Wishes to All----

[nana4g]

I wonder how much of that in the very early stages of motherhood is caused by the young mother's insecurity and her feeling more comfortable with her own mother rather than with her mother in law.

If it is ok with the daughter in law, you can focus on being helpful in other ways during this early period. Like preparing dinner, running errands, doing laundry, being available so the young mother can nap with a promise that you will wake her up if the baby needs her, etc. Content yourself with just being a participant, because what you do for the mother, you do for the child at this stage.

If it persists, pretend not to notice and keep going for a visit after you call first. Continue to invite them over. Have what you need at your home for a visit from an infant, a toddler, etc. such as a second hand crib, a special toy that is always at your home when the child comes.

Things may get better as their confidence grows. Sometimes not. Continue overtures but teach yourself to deal with it. Later, in an appropriate time, you can speak with your son. It is his responsibility to include you in the child's life without stressing his marriage.

If it becomes the norm, you do need to speak to both son and DIL so that you do not appear the one having no interest, in calm, non accusatory terms, keeping lines and doors open.

[larry278]

Yes, it's wonderful to be the missing grand parent. My grand children will think that their every mistake is an original, not a family tradition of failure. Kids need to have pride in being unique. Family trraditions destroy that.

[MrsVantini]

In regards to newborns, I found this to be quite true. My mother-in-law is a fantastic woman and we have a great relationship.

However, in those first couple of weeks post partum, I found myself getting tense whenever she had the baby and was totally relaxed when my mother had the baby. To my way of thinking, it was a biological evolutionary reaction.

And once the inital period was over, I had nor have no issues with whichever Grandmother wished to mind the munchkin.

[janeinmia]

I've thought a lot about this subject. Although I am a maternal grandma and oh so very, very close to my grandkids, I've wondered about how it will be when my son becomes a dad. As my daughter put it, who wants their mother-in-law there when the house is a mess, the sink is full of dishes, and the baby is crying?

Not to mention being present at the birth itself, an intimate act, to say the least.

I'm just going to have to be the kindest, most helpful, least judgmental mother-in-law that I can possibly be. I hope that will make my future dil happy to have me around.

[TheBlackCat]

I wish you were MY mother in law!

[CR46]

If you make your DIL comfortable with the fact that you will do the dishes if the baby needs her time, you will pick up and do laundry so she can bond, it will be fine. My son is in the service and though her mom could come for those first few weeks with the first one, I helped alot. And we talked since and YES those were things she was worried about, but she noticed that I just did those things while she cared for the baby or when they were both napping. By my sons and DILs 2nd came we were both more comfortable(thank goodness) because the baby came early and neither my son or her mother were there.

[Pearlswan]

I've got grandkids, both boys and girls from both daughters and sons. Lucky me. There was much to learn about being a good Nana besides my abilities as a caretaker mom. My major job is to provide my grown children, now parents, with the confidence they need to succeed. That means watching and listening to them engage as parents. First notice what they do right before pointing out where improvement is needed. This continues for the duration. Each new developmental stage in the grandchildren initiates a new developmantal stage in both the parents and grandparents to match the grandchild's new needs. Just when you get your role right, things will change and you will have to readjust all over again. This cycle is what makes it fun and interesting. So, if your relationship is not as close as you would like it to be with your grandkids or your in-laws give it some time and it will change into something else. Sometimes my daughter and/or son-in-law is closest to me. Other times I'm closer to my own son or my own daughter or any one of their kids at any time. Its always in flux. Bottom line is to be the Nana they need at the moment. Listen, watch, and stay alert to the whole of the family, not just the parts alone. This brings success.

[nana4g]

Unless it's a really gross observation, I wouldn't even "suggest areas of improvement". All parents today are doing things very differently and there is plenty of opportunity to watch and see how we might do it differently. If the grandchildren are healthy, happy, the family stable and responsible, I would keep quiet. I thought my daughter so very permissive when her little boy was an infant and a child to age 10 yrs. I thought my daughter in law very strict and rigid. Now, at age 10 yrs, both of their children are smart, happy, sweet, and well behaved. Good thing I kept my opinions to myself.

[peithecelt]

I can't disagree with you stridently enough regarding "pointing out where improvement is needed." Feel free to offer opinions (unless you find that your DIL/SIL is responding with a polite lack of interest (or annoyed silence)), but assuming your children and their spouses are the normal level of learning but loving parents (obviously if there is something truly wrong this all becomes a different situation) than leave it alone if you disagree on a point, it's not your place to get involved.

Just remember, your children-in-law know your children in ways differently than you do, and if you start telling THEM what they're doing wrong, the odds are good that they have opinions on the parenting choices *you* made as well.

[whoknew---]

It works for your family, but I would only offer advice if asked only. My children are the parents and they are the ones who call the shots. As long as nobody is in a harmful position there is no reason to inject my opinion on my children's lives or that of my grandchildren. My job is to enjoy my grandchildren and be there for my kids if they ask for it.

If I were a parent again I would really regard an inlaw or my parents telling me how to raise my children I would probably not be very happy about it.

[kerigrace]

I am a daughter-in-law and would like to set the record straight. The tension is actually not coming from the DIL. The son has a problem with mom and will not address it, so the DIL, who wants to maintain a calm family, acts as the sponge for the animosity.

Every trip we've ever taken to visit my dear husbands family has been initiated and planned by me. To this day, my mother-in-law thinks that I get in the way of the relationship with her son. If she opened her eyes and her heart, she would realize that without me, she wouldn't have a relationship with her son.

I've been married twice and it was the same both times. Most of my girlfriends have the same situation. I think it's very common, but the sons never want to bring it out into the light.

[TheBlackCat]

While I don't agree with you that this is ALWAYS the case, I understand where you're coming from. I have several girlfriends in similar positions- they have husbands who simply do not like their parents but don't want to address it, but the parents assume it's THEM with the problem. A couple of these are like you- they are ALWAYS the ones getting their hubbies to call home, or to plan a family gathering, etc, NEVER the son...but of course the in laws don't know that.


My hubby ALWAYS hated how intolerant his racist, far right conservative Christian parents were. I met my hubby living down south, we married young and moved up North. When he was younger, he simply was too afraid to tell them how he felt, and kept his mouth shut. If he was actually ANYTHING like the person his parents thought he was, we certainly would never have been married. But it's only been in the last few years that he's felt strong enough to tell them what he ACTUALLY thinks when they launch on yet another racist diatribe.

But of course, to his parents, he's simply been seduced and brainwashed by a Yankee Devil woman- me. Before he met me, he was a good little Christian soldier pining for the day the South would rise again, and then I brainwashed and turned him against them. And nothing will ever convince them otherwise.

[walladem]

I agree. As a DIL (tho my mother in-law has passed on) If it wasn't for me initiating almost any and all activities with us and our children, we'd have almost never seen his parents and they lived 7 minutes away. My husband never called or stopped by just to see his mom. She was a loving, non intrusive person who wouldn't be caught dead interfering. I don't feel she thought I took her son away, I think she was just ok with their relationship. Mothers who resent their daughters inlaws and the lack of relationship with their sons, need to take a good look at the sons role and not just assume the wife is the issue.

[nana4g]

Maybe it's that Greek complex thing. Maybe he needs to assert himself as an independent adult man. Both of my sons went through stages where their wives' mothers were Supreme. I just stayed out of it because I was hurt at first, angry inside secondly, then, learned to live with it and actually came to see some benefits from it. Especially after they grew tired of all the presence and interference of the other one. Then they came courting again and I pick and choose now what I want to do. I have always had access to the grandchildren, though, because I did not make a conflict out of it even though there was plenty going on inside.

[whoknew---]

Oh boy....sou­nds familiar..­..

What I've found that works out is to not have both grandparents in the same room so the children can bound with the respective grandparents.

Also different life styles can come into play. Families with different religious practices I believe would have obvious difficulties. But as long as everybody respects the different members beliefs then there is a chance for the grandchildren to enjoy all members of their respective families.

Nyscribbler I'm so sorry for your troubles. Please take this advice. Ignore any negativity from anybody. Just make arrangements to see those grandbabies and focus on your relationship with them. Your grandchildren are too precious and I know your grandchildren want you in their lives too.

[TheBlackCat]

You sound like a great grandma and very selfless by the way you can acknowledge "this isn't about me"

I was interested in the story you told about your friend, who is almost not allowed to see her grandchild. Obviously I know NOTHING about the situation, maybe the daughter in law is a mean spirited control freak and your friend is a loving mother in law.

However, you know what, sometimes there are people who get cut out of the family because of the way they treat them. My mother in law is an evangelical conservative Christian. Whereas my liberal parents hhave embraced my conservative leaning moderate husband, I have received nothing but criticism, scorn, and ridicule by my parents in law for NOT being an evangelical conservative Christian. The fact that I am college educated and make more than my husband absolutely infuriates her, and she tells me this whenever I see her. My in laws are CONSTANTLY telling me what a bad wife I am because I'm not a "submissive woman."


When we have kids, my parents are sure to have a very involved relationship with their grandparents, and my husband's parents will have almost none what so ever. This has nothing to do with me just selfishly only wanting my parents around and everything to do with his parents treatment of their grandchildren's mother.

[Konnie]

mothers of daughters often feel this way too, when the dominate person in the marriage is the husband
or one of the grandma's works full time......­..........­...don't even get me started...­..........­......

[jbha]

As a new mom who loves her mom and mother-in-law so much and trust their parenting styles equally; I actually felt a little bad relying on my mom almost entirely in the beginning and not being quite as comfortable with my MIL. A big chunk of this is b/c I don't want to boss her, wake her up in the middle of the night to tell her I need a break, etc. And then there's my mom who has NO PROBLEM telling me what to do, what I'm overlooking, what works better, and so on. And while I would be totally ok with my MIL telling me these things, I don't think that she feels comfortable enough to correct me. But now that my daughter is older (10 mos.), her paternal grandma is her best friend and top sitter. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your daughter-in-law, so my guess is that once the new baby madness is over and her she's more confident in her mothering skills, she'll reach out to you more and more.

[greenie227]

My MIL literally and figuratively backed away from us when we had our first child. She made it clear my mother was Grandma #1 and we shouldn't rely on her for anything. She's a very soft, gentle woman who is tremendously passive -- I think she thought she was helping me out by taking the back seat, but I felt hurt that she backed away. I don't think I had done anything to make her feel that way. As other posters have mentioned, if not for me, her son would have little or no relationship with her because they're both passive. I know she didn't want any conflict with my mom, but frankly, it shouldn't have been about what my mom wanted, but about my MIL and me and her son and the baby.

[nyscribbler]

Apparently grandfathers need not even apply. We rate not even a patronizing pat on the head. Your ego rules the roost in the realm of family relations. I'd be careful of your influence on the child as well. A child does best when it has the care of "all sorts" of family members, not just the egotists and the women.

[CR46]

You grandpa's are usually the favorites without worrying about it like us grandma's do :)

[AZBunny]

Grandfathers especially if they have remarried are NOT even considered in the running, they don't rate any kind of time with grandchildren. AND forget about being a step-grandmother, I don't even bother acknowledging that I am one since I have NEVER even laid eyes on a single grandchild yet alone speak or touch one of them.