Originally posted on Grandparents.com
So I'm sitting downstairs in the living room feeling useless while upstairs my daughter-in-law and her mother scurry about, attending to the new baby girl who has just arrived home from the hospital. I have been a grandmother for five days, and this is my first taste of Mother of the Father Syndrome.
Don't get me wrong. I adore my daughter-in-law and I'm confident the feeling is mutual. We love taking long walks together and chatting over endless cups of mint tea. If we weren't related by marriage, we would be good friends. I am close to her mother, too.
And yet.
There is a mysterious transmission of accumulated wisdom and babycare know-how that seems to pass along bloodlines from maternal grandmothers to their adult daughters. No doubt this is biology at work, and paternal grandmothers are simply not part of that intimate loop. Still, I successfully raised a child myself and so when my daughter-in-law turns primarily to her mother for advice, I'm caught off guard. Feeling like a third wheel on a hot date is not something I anticipated.
In fact, I only realized I felt this way about two minutes ago when I poked my head in the door of the baby's room. Mother and daughter were hovering over the wriggling infant, animatedly discussing diaper rash. Having nothing pithy to add to the conversation, I backed out of the room. They didn't seem to notice.
My ego is bruised slightly, but I console myself with three thoughts. The first, which I will not admit to anyone else for fear of ruining my chances of ever being asked to take care of my granddaughter, is that my own babycare skills actually feel a tad rusty. When I briefly had the baby to myself in the hospital, I was so terrified of accidentally dropping or suffocating her that I left the door open so that if anything untoward happened the nurses would hear me shrieking.
The second thought that soothes my insecure grandmother soul is that the baby will never know -- or care -- which of her two grandmothers was most on the ball about diaper rash, burping, or gas.
But third, and most important, my daughter-in-law's reliance on her mother is not a rejection of me. As the primary caretaker of the baby, at this early stage of parenthood, when her life -- and body -- are in a state of red alert, it is natural for her to seek refuge in her greatest comfort zone -- her own mother. It's not about you, I admonish myself.
The truth is, I am lucky. Yes, I sometimes feel jealous of The Other Grandmother. Yes, I sometimes feel as though I'm back in junior high when I start obsessing that my granddaughter will love her more. Still, in our extended family, which includes step- as well as biological grandparents, everyone treats everyone else with respect. I know that this is not always the case.
Oh, the stories I hear!
I have one friend, a paternal grandmother, who has been kept at arm's length since the day her grandson, now 2, was born. "We will tell you exactly when you can see the baby, and for how long," this woman's son told her over the phone from the hospital. The time allotted for her visits turns out to be one hour each week. She's never been permitted to hold her grandson and has yet to spend time alone with him, although the maternal grandmother is a household fixture. My friend, who previously considered herself close to her son, is furious, confused, grief-stricken.
It kills me to reinforce stereotypes, but in families where the paternal grandmother is made to feel like chopped liver, it's usually the daughter-in-law who calls the shots. In the new book I edited, Eye of My Heart: 27 Writers Reveal the Hidden Pleasures and Perils of Being a Grandmother (Harper, 2009), Claire Roberts writes: "My grandkids seem to have great affection for me. But to my son's wife, I am the dreaded abominable mother-in-law." E-mails between Roberts and her two granddaughters, ages 10 and 13, are closely monitored by their parents and the girls undergo a debriefing worthy of the CIA whenever they've spent time with Roberts. She explains that they "understand that there's 'a situation' with Gramma and their mother -- and, therefore, with their father, too.
Sometimes it's not the daughter-in-law, but her mother who asserts herself as Number One Nana. In another essay in the book, Judith Viorst (author of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day) relates this story: "A friend of mine complains that whenever she takes her son's children on an outing, she gets a thank-you note from the other grandmother, full of appreciation for the time she has spent with the boys and services she has rendered to the family. Though these thank-you notes are gracious, oh so gracious, they leave my friend feeling peeved and patronized. For the way this woman competes, she says, "is to treat me as if I'm some sort of helpful assistant rather than someone who's on a par with her.'"
Okay, so maybe my mother-of-the-father ego gets roughed up a little every now and then -- whose doesn't? Still, I never forget that I'm one of the lucky ones. I count my blessings daily for not being among the hapless half Margaret Mead described when she wrote: "Of all the peoples whom I have studied, from city dwellers to cliff dwellers, I always find that at least 50 percent would prefer to have at least one jungle between themselves and their mothers-in-law."
Also remember to allow your children to do the best they can, even mistakes (as long as they are not harmful ones)in raising your grandchild happens.
Celebrate that your children have become parents and tell them if they ever need help you will be there for all of them..
Best Wishes to All----
If it is ok with the daughter in law, you can focus on being helpful in other ways during this early period. Like preparing dinner, running errands, doing laundry, being available so the young mother can nap with a promise that you will wake her up if the baby needs her, etc. Content yourself with just being a participant, because what you do for the mother, you do for the child at this stage.
If it persists, pretend not to notice and keep going for a visit after you call first. Continue to invite them over. Have what you need at your home for a visit from an infant, a toddler, etc. such as a second hand crib, a special toy that is always at your home when the child comes.
Things may get better as their confidence grows. Sometimes not. Continue overtures but teach yourself to deal with it. Later, in an appropriate time, you can speak with your son. It is his responsibility to include you in the child's life without stressing his marriage.
If it becomes the norm, you do need to speak to both son and DIL so that you do not appear the one having no interest, in calm, non accusatory terms, keeping lines and doors open.
However, in those first couple of weeks post partum, I found myself getting tense whenever she had the baby and was totally relaxed when my mother had the baby. To my way of thinking, it was a biological evolutionary reaction.
And once the inital period was over, I had nor have no issues with whichever Grandmother wished to mind the munchkin.
Not to mention being present at the birth itself, an intimate act, to say the least.
I'm just going to have to be the kindest, most helpful, least judgmental mother-in-law that I can possibly be. I hope that will make my future dil happy to have me around.
Just remember, your children-in-law know your children in ways differently than you do, and if you start telling THEM what they're doing wrong, the odds are good that they have opinions on the parenting choices *you* made as well.
Every trip we've ever taken to visit my dear husbands family has been initiated and planned by me. To this day, my mother-in-law thinks that I get in the way of the relationship with her son. If she opened her eyes and her heart, she would realize that without me, she wouldn't have a relationship with her son.
I've been married twice and it was the same both times. Most of my girlfriends have the same situation. I think it's very common, but the sons never want to bring it out into the light.
My hubby ALWAYS hated how intolerant his racist, far right conservative Christian parents were. I met my hubby living down south, we married young and moved up North. When he was younger, he simply was too afraid to tell them how he felt, and kept his mouth shut. If he was actually ANYTHING like the person his parents thought he was, we certainly would never have been married. But it's only been in the last few years that he's felt strong enough to tell them what he ACTUALLY thinks when they launch on yet another racist diatribe.
But of course, to his parents, he's simply been seduced and brainwashed by a Yankee Devil woman- me. Before he met me, he was a good little Christian soldier pining for the day the South would rise again, and then I brainwashed and turned him against them. And nothing will ever convince them otherwise.
What I've found that works out is to not have both grandparents in the same room so the children can bound with the respective grandparents.
Also different life styles can come into play. Families with different religious practices I believe would have obvious difficulties. But as long as everybody respects the different members beliefs then there is a chance for the grandchildren to enjoy all members of their respective families.
Nyscribbler I'm so sorry for your troubles. Please take this advice. Ignore any negativity from anybody. Just make arrangements to see those grandbabies and focus on your relationship with them. Your grandchildren are too precious and I know your grandchildren want you in their lives too.
I was interested in the story you told about your friend, who is almost not allowed to see her grandchild. Obviously I know NOTHING about the situation, maybe the daughter in law is a mean spirited control freak and your friend is a loving mother in law.
However, you know what, sometimes there are people who get cut out of the family because of the way they treat them. My mother in law is an evangelical conservative Christian. Whereas my liberal parents hhave embraced my conservative leaning moderate husband, I have received nothing but criticism, scorn, and ridicule by my parents in law for NOT being an evangelical conservative Christian. The fact that I am college educated and make more than my husband absolutely infuriates her, and she tells me this whenever I see her. My in laws are CONSTANTLY telling me what a bad wife I am because I'm not a "submissive woman."
When we have kids, my parents are sure to have a very involved relationship with their grandparents, and my husband's parents will have almost none what so ever. This has nothing to do with me just selfishly only wanting my parents around and everything to do with his parents treatment of their grandchildren's mother.
or one of the grandma's works full time...................don't even get me started...................