I grew up in Brooklyn at a time when there were many sets of parental eyes watching over us. Riding our bikes, playing stoopball or jumping rope on the sidewalk, we knew, without thinking too much about it, that we were safe.
We also knew that if any of us did or said something that was deemed less than civil, it would get back to our mothers (or whoever was waiting at home, and there was always someone waiting at home) before even one foot stepped inside the front door.
We called it "fencing." Fencing was the process by which one neighbor would tell another neighbor who would tell another neighbor who would tell another neighbor what was going on, all with one arm positioned casually, but meaningfully, over the fence.
Sometimes the conversation took place in hushed, intimate voices. If I came across my grandmother in the backyard with her arm over the fence, talking with a neighbor on either side of us, and her tone was low, quiet, I knew it was about something that "young ears" weren't supposed to hear. Or someone had died. That was always big, fast-moving news.
The "big story" of the day would sometimes start on one end of the block and work its way through the attached houses in lightning speed. It was something to behold.
Neighbors spread updates about births, jobs, divorces, everything. When we started getting TV sets, they'd talk about what Walter Cronkite said, or state their views on who was funnier, Jack Benny or Red Skelton. Communication centered around that proverbial picket fence, where neighbors shared recipes, gossip and news that had meaning in their everyday lives.
It was a simple time.
Fast forward to today: cell phones, emails, texting, websites, tweeting -- so many ways to share. For sure, "fencing" still exists, but not like it once did. Facebook in particular has added a whole new dimension to "fencing" and our lives. Our minds immediately turn to teenagers when we think of Facebook, but the fact is that social media growth is being driven by women over 50. We represent the most dramatic increase of any age group on Facebook, from 31 percent in 2008 to over 70 percent in 2009 and growing stronger every day. Why?
Women have always loved sharing and connecting. How many times have you waited for a bus, only to hear the whole life story of the woman next to you before the bus even arrived (and she heard a bit of yours, too, no doubt)? It's a natural, easy thing for many of us, and it always has been. There are women who use social media to kick-start their social lives after a divorce or being widowed, but the majority of women over 50 are more interested in connecting with other women to encourage, support, applaud and learn. It's a whole new twist on fencing.
When I joined Facebook less than a year ago, I had a dozen "Facebook friends," mostly women I knew. After I appeared on the Today Show to discuss my book, The Best of Everything After 50 , I invited women viewers to "join me on Facebook." Within hours I had hundreds of new friends from all over the country. Without exception, they wanted to talk about the challenges and ups and downs of being healthy and happy after 50. They were eager to learn, but even more profoundly, they wanted to be heard. Being a woman over 50 in our youth-centric society can often lead to feeling isolated and invisible. But once a woman creates a connection to a like-minded community, she feels empowered.
My "friend" base continues to grow, because each of the original group of friends shares the news with their friends, and so on and so on. Not only do we talk about the topics I raise in my book, but we share photos, news about family, recipes, discuss politics, books, anything that's on our minds. It's fencing at its best.
I check in with my Facebook friends several times a day. I don't have to; I want to. There are regular blog posts from my writer friends, and photos, notices about upcoming events that might interest me, celebrity gossip, alerts about sales. It gives me so much pleasure to know that these women, most of whom I may never meet, are in my life, cheering each other on, and applauding our efforts to create, in our own small ways, a better world for women over 50.
Recently, I asked my women Facebook friends the following question: what do you want to know about life after 50?
I explained that I would focus on those questions that came up the most often, and I'd get the input from some of the experts I had interviewed for my book. Hundreds of women responded, many through email or Facebook private messaging, and I plan to focus on the most top-of-mind questions in future posts. We'll cover everything that they -- and you -- want to know.
Stay tuned. The first will be up in a few days, and we want to know your thoughts. If you're not already on Facebook, get on, get involved, and start fencing!
Follow Barbara Hannah Grufferman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BGrufferman
Barbara Hannah Grufferman: Life After 50: How You and Your Partner Can Be a Couple Again
www.AnyShinyThing.com, A Blog for Smart Women of a Certain Age
i mistakenly posted as a reply, so i will repost if the moderators approve.
“i find that as i grow closer to a person, i feel the need to distance myself.
i carefully avoid accepting new responsibilities.
i jealously guard my time.
i believe it is a healthy function of aging.
minimalism allows for personal growth and focus.
for me, it is a desirable quality to be ''alone'' with one's self without being lonely.”
would you have any advice?
is this appropriate?
although i am not yet 40, i find it so very relevant.
''We also knew that if any of us did or said something that was deemed less than civil, it would get back to our mothers (or whoever was waiting at home, and there was always someone waiting at home) before even one foot stepped inside the front door.''
i can so relate to your statement! my mother did not have children until later in life.
my mother always cautioned me that my behavior reflected on the entire family.
i knew excuses were useless.
i once complained that i did not like a teacher who i thought was unfair. i had prepared my case well and i hoped she would pay a visit to the school.
my mother replied that i better find something to like about the teacher or i would have a long, unhappy school year.
we can return to that simpler time when common sense prevailed. ''fencing'' can be even more effective due to technology. it does take a village to raise a child.
but if the quality of the message has been diminished or corrupted, our society will deteriorate and our children will pay the price.
we need to hear the voices that you have described so well. these are the voices of civility and harmony, that contrast the raucous noise.
they must be heard and we must listen.
But as I age, the desire to socialize, share, is dwindling for me. I'm not sure why.
Thanks for sharing this. I'm wondering if it's not so much that you don't want to socialize, but that you just want to socialize with a smaller group of people. And, that makes total sense to me. I think being over 50 is a transitional time, and when we transition, we should always take a look at our lives and see what can be "shed" from it. That can include objects, obligations, and even people. If what you're saying is that you are now choosing to be with yourself more, and with those who bring you joy instead of anguish or frustration, then I say "YAY!" Don't be sad by this. Think about it in the context of "de-cluttering and minimalizing" your life. Does that make sense?
And, please stay in touch. Stay tuned for future posts about specific questions pertaining to life after 50.
Best,
Barbara
I am not 50 yet, (I hope to make it there in approximately seven years). I'm going to try to clarify. What I meant by less social, is not desiring to share with the usual people that surround me particularly friends that have been around since High School, people that we made friends with as a husband and wife, etc... I find curiosity in subjects that most people don't; reproduction of orchids for instance, the middle east peace process, etc...
I enjoy spending time alone, and with my immediate family, immediate: Husband, kids. I enjoy it more and more as I grow older.
I don't share much if anything even with my own mother with whom I am forced to speak with every day or she will consume me alive :). And the older I grow, the less I share, including with people whom I like and don't bring me grief at all.
I don't think that I'm saddened by this, I actually find joy in this, but don't really know how to explain it to my extended family or friends :)
I teach college students and I was giving them advice on how to learn material when you don't feel you have a great memory. I said that I have always been "memory challenged" so I developed techniques all through my years in college to make up for my lack of immediate recall. My students were shocked by my own story. A couple of them said, "but you know everything!" And then I was shocked in return because I feel like over the years there have been huge gaps in my general knowledge. For example, I know only basic ancient history, and very little about ancient cultures. Now I want to go get a book to catch up, or at least watch the History Channel. There are many other subjects I where I can expand my knowledge.
But what will I get in return for knowing vast amounts of knowledge? Fewer people find this to be a goal, or even an attribute. How does this make the world a better place? Will I be happier as I get older to know more?
Just curious.
I had replied to your comment yesterday, but it seems to have vanished into cyberspace!
Here's a quick recap of my response:
I love your question "will I be happier as I get older to know more?" . . . . because the answer, I believe, is that you won't be happier simply because you know more, but because (hopefully) you're enjoying the journey toward that knowledge. For example, if you really enjoy ancient history, then, by all means, read up on it, go to lectures, museums and do everything you truly enjoy doing to acquire that knowledge. But, if you're doing it only to gain the knowledge, then I think the answer will be "no" to your question. Many studies show that the brain cells need to be revved up, and we can do that by learning new things -- a new language, new information, doing puzzles, knitting complicated patterns, and so only. So, YES, keep learning . . . but learn only those things that will bring you joy! Don't you agree?
Thanks for reading and commenting . . . and please stay tuned to the next post, when I start to address specific questions that many people over 50 seem to have!
Best,
Barbara
Sort of in the camp of "Wish I didn't know now, what I didn't know then."
My challenge is, what do I want to DO about what I know, that I wish I didn't know ?
Use what you know (even the stuff you wish you didn't know) to your advantage. Knowledge IS power, especially when it comes to your health. To do nothing at all, is a path also, but not one I would recommend.
Thanks so much for reading, and commenting,
Best,
Barbara
Thanks for commenting!
Barbara
YAY!!!!
Thanks for reading and commenting,
Stay tuned!
Barbara
So glad you're following this, and stay tuned for the first of many posts about "life after 50" . . . coming soon!
Thanks for commenting,
Barbara