"The Seven Biggest Mistakes We Make in Midlife (and How to Avoid Them)" -- my article from last week -- generated a good deal of discussion on The Huffington Post, Facebook and Twitter, but the one "mistake" that got the most reactions was this:
Feeling Invisible
I'm 54, and part of the largest single demographic group in the history of the world. Our buying power is huge, and we are a political powerhouse. Invisible? Hardly. But as I entered my 50s, I sometimes felt as though I was being pushed aside, ignored and not young or interesting enough to have a voice in the world, as I once did. Luckily, I got a grip, and realized that we have to ignore the noise, embrace our age, not be afraid of it, accept that change is happening, and figure out the best way to address those changes, forging ahead with health and vitality.
In addition to the many comments shared on The Huffington Post, I asked people on Facebook and Twitter to offer their thoughts on this question:
Has society made you feel invisible now that you're over 50?
The answer from most of those who commented was a resounding and very loud "No!" Here are just a few of the many responses, which I am reprinting with their permission:
Carla Youngblood Armstrong: No and I haven't really given much thought to society's role as it relates to my feelings about age. I use my thoughts and feelings to 'see' myself clearly at 52 and society just has to except how I see me. My personality is too big to be invisible and it has nothing to do with age and everything to do with who I am.
Carole Matthis Starks: Age is only a number. It's how you view yourself through 'life changes' that makes the difference. Staying positive with a good attitude is key to conquering negativity in the world. You are only invisible if you allow it. Personally, I have been more vocal and express my opinion more now in my 50's than when I was younger.
Melody George: No one can make me feel invisible, but me. If anything, I've become more visible, with more confidence, control, spending power, and knowledge than I ever had in my 20's, 30's or 40's.
Julie Maloney: Not at all. Not one little bit. Not an inch or an ounce
I applaud them (and all the other women who weighed in) because it took me a little longer to get to that positive and confident state of mind. Before I started researching and writing "The Best of Everything After 50," I was confused and overwhelmed by the many media messages shouting at me from all sides that younger is better, sexier, more desirable, and, that older is another word for invisible. I was ready to pull the proverbial blanket over my head, and run for the hills. But, I didn't. Instead, I turned my thinking (and attitude) around, got really mad, and wrote a book.
It's often an uphill battle, however. Articles regularly pop up talking about how we (men and women over 50) are ignored by marketers, advertisers, the movie industry, politicians and the media in general, often convincing us that we are, in fact, invisible. But, this is not in the best interests of the marketers since we (especially those of us in the 50-65 age range, often referred to as "alpha boomers") spend more money on just about everything, than just about anybody else. And, not only do we have our own money, we have our own minds, too.
A recent article in the New York Post -- "Don't Trust Anyone Over 50" -- made the case that advertisers simply do not want to be associated with aging, even though they know how powerful a demographic we are.
Here's a snippet from the article:
While the 18-34 demographic remains the most coveted among advertisers -- get a consumer young, goes the thinking, and you get them for life -- it is actually the 55- to 64-year old demo, the so-called "alpha boomers," that are the most dominant.
Consider: Alpha boomers are the fastest-growing demographic in the nation. They make up half the population and spend more money on goods and services -- nearly $2 trillion -- than any other age group. They buy more technology and gadgets -- 40% of the market -- than any other demo. They drive elections, accounting for the biggest voting blocs in both 2008 and 2010. Alpha boomers have the second-highest median household income, at $69,000, trailing only the 35-44 age group, whose median earnings are $75,000 annually. They own the most second homes in the nation. They largely share the same tastes in online usage as the 18-34s, ranking Facebook and YouTube among their favorite sites, and they buy at least one product online per month. They own more iPads and smartphones than any other demo and record and watch more programming on their DVRs than anyone else. They are less loyal to brands than Gen Xers.
They are almost completely ignored by advertisers.
Based on everything I've heard from women around the world since I started writing for The Huffington Post (and other media), speaking to groups, and during radio and television interviews about the book, there's only one good response to those who continue to disrespect us in this fundamental way: Ignore us at your own risk. We will buy what we want to buy, and it may very well be something other than what you're selling.
That'll give them something to think about.
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Soon I will be addressing invisibility in a major way-I will be in touch-this is great piece on a reality women have been coping with forever----Time to change up the game!
Marla Miller
www.marlamiller.com
All the best,
Barbara
As far as being ignored by advertisers, for us it's mutual. We mute all ads on TV and pay very little attention to ads in printed media. Most of the ads for people our age are for medicines, which we have successfully avoided buying, by sticking to a healthy lifestyle.
Advertisers are missing a large market by not engaging the over 50 age group. I guess if their 'bottom line' was hurting enough then this would change. It's a very ignorant choice in my opinion. This group is going to be around for a very long time. We need products we can comfortably use like easy to open jars, larger print on labels, etc. There are so many possibilities. This would be a great opportunitÂy for inventors to take up the gap. The transition from fifty to very old age could be eased by the right products and attention.
This is a good article and brings out many interesting perspectives for discussion, thank you Barbara.
Just as an example, we had a new patio door put in. The only handles available for it were scrawny, angular, painful little things that hurt me every time I open it. The teapot I use just had a change in design, and I can't pull the lids off the new ones. Women's boots are changing to hard, thin soles and pointy little fronts so you can't use orthotics. Women's coats are becoming thin little clingy things that are painful to get into and leave you cold. Car seats are becoming like little platforms of cardboard. Small items in stores are encased in tough plastic that you need special tools to open. Socks are getting thinner. Even my milk bottles changed: I now need a knife to open them.
So how is it again that we're in charge?
Incredible isn't it? Did a light bulb go off over someone's head who is reading your comment, and who thought, "Wow! What an incredible opportunity??" This market is growing in leaps and bounds, and for designers and manufacturers to continue to do what you described seems very short-sighted and foolhardy to me.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, and please stay in touch.
Barbara
I see some elderly people hold things way out to read them but I need a magnifying glass.
those over 50+ who feel invisible have not given themselves a CHANCE! to try something new. redefine the rules! if you don't have the answer inside - make on up - just dont go to anyone to ask what they think.........you will get 100 different responses.
End Victimness thinking.....we all land there but it is within our own Mind Power to move out of that thought/space.
I just returned from Mexico I had met men and women creating a totally different reality as ExPats! ...go volunteer in a 3rd world country, learn a new language, sail on a ship, write a book........find a job where you are out meeting people forget the $$$ aspect do it because it brings something new in your life.
Let go of stuff and downsize it will allow you amazing flexibility of CHOICE like when we were 18 and happy with orange crate coffee tables and book"shelves"
Remember how it felt to start out at 18 you could conquer the world! Reach down -inside- and find that POWER and EMPOWER YOU! xox
You truly have the right spirit, and your advice is spot on. Reinvent the rules!! Great line. Everything you said in this comment is exactly what I have been doing for the last two years, and I've never felt more free, engaged, and thoughtful, than I do now.
Thank you . . .
Emotional Intelligence says - that's for the immature (notice i did not say young!)
Let Go and Grow into Your Maturity and Emotional Balance.
Be Open to What Life is Showing You.
We are not here to make life bend to us but to bend to what is - and from that point be it on the mountaintop or rockbottom - it is a Starting Point
I have worked with chronologically younger people male and female and there is no way i want to be back there.
Embrace Life - all that invisibility is an excuse.........and a sense of Victimness. Everyone on this post has felt and survived loss: marriages, finances, homes, jobs/careers even a child or children!
Share from your experiences - Give instead of waiting to recieve. Give what you seek and you will find it show up in your LIFE >hug
All the best, and thanks for commenting,
Barbara
All the best,
Barbara
We hear all you insular "forget all those younger than us" types all the time.
You echoed my own experience exactly, except I had my freak out moment when I turned 50. Taking care of yourself -- body, mind and soul -- are essential. And, the great thing about hair is that you can always let it go gray, and then change your mind, and then change it right back again! Have fun with your hair, but think of hair in this light: Our hair is like a metaphor for aging: Embrace your hair, embrace your age. Here's an article I wrote about graying hair a few months ago:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/barbara-hannah-grufferman/to-gray-or-not-to-gray-ag_b_680354.html
My cousin and I are about the same age. She was a very attractive young woman, and all eyes noticed her when she walked into the room. She received a lot of deferential treatment because of her looks and charm. I don't think she realized the degree to she relied on her physical appearance to navigate through life.
Now as a 50 something, her good looks have faded, and she doesn't seem to have learned any new social skills. She is always complaining that she is being mistreated, when, in fact, she is only being treated like just about everybody else.
I really enjoyed this story. It's sad that she couldn't evolve along with her beauty. I'm sure her "good looks" didn't fade . . they just changed.
I know I don't look the same as I did when I was younger. How could I? I'm 54!! But, I take good care of myself, and my goal is not to look younger (never my goal!) but to look as good as I can for whatever age I am.
Thanks for reading and for commenting,
Barbara
Call it "just change" if you like, but most women don't turn a man's head like they did at 30.
Good looks do tend to fade for women as they age, no matter how evolved she is.
True evolution is loosing one's attachment to your body, which fading looks facilitates.
I agree. I think that my cousin's problem is that she was born with a natural gift, took it for granted, and did not learn any other ways for coping in society.
She's now a grumpy fifty something who thinks that the world hates middle aged women.
I am 44....just commenting on what I have observed. I have observed gorgeous women over 60 and "invisible" women who are less than 40. A lot of it can be controlled...weight, fitness levels, diet. Diet is huge...people who eat a lot of fresh foods will have a glow...even as an older person. Their hair and skin will look fresher and younger, not dull, sallow or unhealthy looking. I am certain that a lot of the feeling "invisible" is due to lifestyle issues and, oh, choice of clothing. If you wear frumpy, "old", clothes or clothes that are not elegant or complimentary...you will be ignored...just as a younger person would be. There is a lot that can be done but most people do nothing and that is why.
I know at least three acquaintances from a coffeehouse I visit who are over 50 and 60 who are NOT invisible. YES, they ARE aging...they have wrinkles BUT they are NOT invisible! How? They still wear fashionable clothes (not frumpy). They still have some freshness to their skin and faces. One wears light, sleeveness cotton dresses with a turquoise bra peeping out and it looks terrific! She is not invisible by any means and dating up a storm.
I am not saying by any means these women are better people at all....just that there are choices that can be made.
I, too, have wrinkles, but I am proud to be 54, proud that I have lived a full life so far, and proud to be the age I am. I truly believe I walk with confidence, more so now than I ever have in my life, wrinkles and all!