An article in the U.K. Daily Mail stopped me in my tracks recently. New research, it reported, shows that more than 90 percent of women in their 40s and 50s are deeply unhappy with how they look and are suffering from what experts have dubbed "Midlife Mirror Angst Syndrome."
Curious and apprehensive, I read the article. Not surprisingly, the women who were interviewed for the story were quite down on themselves:
"Ever since I turned 40, my reflection has upset me. I loathe what's happening to my body, I am riddled with hang-ups -- and I hate the fact I can't control the changes I see."
"Before the ageing process kicked in, I used to take all those sideways glances from men for granted. I've had to accept that I simply don't turn heads any more."
"I'm going through the menopause and it's a shock every time I catch sight of myself in the mirror: I expect to see the woman I was in my 20s, but there's a 50-something woman staring back at me."
I used to feel that way -- but no more.
A few years ago when I turned 50, this is what was staring back at me when I looked into the mirror:
A woman who:
Need I go on?
I looked in the mirror and thought, "Okay, this is it. This is what being middle aged is all about, and I'd better just accept it." Then, I mentally tucked myself under the proverbial blanket and was getting ready to stay there -- until I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, declaring, "Giving up is not an option."
Deciding that drastic action was required, I took it upon myself to get the best information from the best experts on nutrition, fitness, style, hair, makeup, health, finances, careers after 50 and everything else you could possibly think of to feel good and look good so that I could stare at that person in the mirror with a renewed sense of pride and confidence.
Armed with my new "look" and new attitude, I appeared on the Today Show to talk about how I learned to embrace my age instead of fighting it. During the interview with Ann Curry (see video below), I shared what I believe is the simple key to being fearless after 50: "Embrace your age, whatever it is. Love your life, get as healthy as you can, move your body every day, be informed, stay engaged, connect with others, use your mind, live with style, be bold, be brave and walk with confidence."
The message has resonated with men and women around the country because we're tired of being told that we are invisible and no longer relevant. I meet people over 50 every day who are engaged with life in ways they never thought they could be.
I can honestly say that turning 50 changed my life for the better. Instead of giving up and giving in, I did a bit of "tough love" on myself and took action. But more than that: I also realized that I didn't want to just be alive; I wanted to have a life, a great, big, wonderful life after 50.
Before sitting down to write this piece, I looked in the mirror, and this is what I saw:
A woman who:
That is what I see. Oh, about those wrinkles. Yes, they are still there. I love them, and I hope you come to love yours, too. They are the most empowering things I possess.
I put this question, "When you look in the mirror, what do you see?" on Facebook, and here are a few of the responses, reprinted with their permission. If you're on Facebook, join me and these wonderful women so we can all learn from each other about living our best lives after 50:
I see a different face every day. The face may change, but the reflection remains the same. There's always a smart, loving, talented woman looking back at me. (Karen Hanley Taylor)
I see wisdom in the lines around my eyes, happiness in the lines around my mouth and joy reflecting in my eyes. (Denise Taylor Tremaine)
I see a youthful spirit with a new wisdom that can only come with life experience. I take care of myself and do the best that I can with my looks, and have accepted the physical change as part of growing older. I feel very blessed. (Marsha Silver-Kessler)
I see a woman who believes that dreams can come true again and again! (Amy Wise)
I see an older version of myself, but a much more serene and confident version. I see a woman who can handle just about anything with a little time to get used to whatever it is. I see a truly happy woman who has found contentment, has lost her judgementalism, has found her groove and who can find common ground with anyone and who can enjoy herself in any situation....take that you 20 year olds! ;) (Maureen Ardron)
Tell us: what do you see?
2011 New York City Marathon Weekly Training Update
Staying connected is a powerful tool. "Friend" me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter. For more information on "The Best of Everything After 50: The Experts' Guide to Style, Sex, Health, Money and More," please visit my website, bestofeverythingafter50.com. Stay well, and stay in touch.
Follow Barbara Hannah Grufferman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BGrufferman
Deepak Chopra: Your Future: Two Lifetimes in One
It's too hard to talk about all of this with comments on HuffPost . . . but if you're on Facebook, friend me, and we can continue, and you can also "meet" over a thousand (mostly) women over 50 who (some) were feeling the way you described, but no longer.
If you're not on FB, think about getting my book (it's at libraries, too) and seeing if there are some ideas in there which helped me (and many others) that could also help you.
Keep in touch . . .
Barbara
And next year I will be happy to hit the 3/4 century mark!!!! More new ideas, more new people in my life, more new great-grandkids, more fun, more work - MORE OF EVERYTHING!!!!!
Thanks for posting a comment, and please keep in touch!
Best,
Barbara
Working on my computer every morning and looking out my window to see the sunrise, I just say "Thanks" - at 74, I treasure all the things I can still do and don't worry about the time gone by - as long as I wake up on the top side of the grass, it's okay.
Old cowboy saying: "Everybody's got a choice. You can walk in dry socks or piss in your boots and whine about it." Go for the dry socks!
Sadly, society does not embrace us as we age, so a lot of these feelings are valid and only mirrored back from the media. So if you want some Botox - party on! Fifty is what you make it. It's not 30, but the years ahead can be great, you just have to take control and not give in. Too many just give in. So it's a little more work, it's worth it. Be resourceful, stay relevant, live regretless.....it works.
All the best,
Barbara
Barbara
Blessed are they who understand
my faltering step and shaking hand.
Blessed, who know my ears today
must strain to catch the things they say.
Blessed are they who seem to know
my eyes are dim and my mind is slow.
Blessed are they who looked away,
I spilled my tea on the cloth that day!
Blessed are they who, with cheery smile,
stopped to chat for a little while.
Blessed are they who know the way
to bring back memories of yesterday.
Blessed are they who never say,
“You’ve told that story twice today!”
Blessed are they who make it known
that I’m loved, respected and not alone.
And blessed are they who will ease the days
of my journey home, in loving ways.
Another Beatitude
By Elizabeth Clark
You are a lovely man, and you and your wife are very fortunate to have found each other. It sounds to me as though you have both embraced aging with grace and humor.
All the best,
Barbara
Please read/watch this article again. Don't you see yourself in what I wrote and what I said? Do some of the things I propose, which completely turned my head and life around, and then see how you feel.
Please stay in touch . . .
Barbara
"He giveth power to the faint: and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.
"Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall.
"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint" (Isaiah 40:28-31).
If you let them win, they will win. Do you realize that we are part of the largest demographic in the history of the world, and growing every day? We are not invisible. Far from it. Confidence in your abilities, with a bit of style thrown in, will change your worldview.
Just try . . .
All the best,
Barbara
Does it always have to be I either hate myself or am now running marathons? :)
Please don't think I suggested that every one should run a marathon!! And "run" is written quite loosely: I follow the Galloway method and take liberal walk breaks. It's not about speed, it's about distance. If I can do it (someone who never ran until two years ago at the age of 52) anyone can.
Forget about the marathon . . . what about everything else I wrote and said? Simple changes: walking every day, a few push-ups, and so on. Nothing drastic. Completely the "middle ground." Take another look at what I wrote/said . . . and don't be discourage.
All the best, and thanks so much for taking the to comment,
Barbara
I just lost my husband, to cancer 3 months ago, he was my solemate, and best friend we were supposed to grow old together, now I'm left to do it by myself. I really can't imanage finding someone else, I dont want to right now and by the time I will maybe want to, I will be really old.... . I'm trying really hard to accept it. I beleive stress is a major factor of how fast we show our age....
I cant see a man wanting anything except perky and firm and young....
I on the other hand am 44 and my body is rebelling on me when I walk I look like an 80 year old all bent over and the shuffle step. I have had arthritis since the age of 5, I have never really been a head turner but I get the looks everyonce in a while. The best thing is I learned a long time ago that my body was going to break down early and I learned to accept it early. I am in constant pain but with the pain I know I am alive and I enjoy that knowledge. Life is what you make it injoy the good times and laugh because crying gives you a headache at the bad. I laugh a lot and expect to have many laugh lines to prove I have truly lived when I finally go to meet God.