A sister is a little bit of childhood that can never be lost. ~Marion C. Garretty
It's weird and comforting to know that there is no other woman on this planet, not even my mother, who has had a closer view of my life than my sister. I know pretty much everything there is to know about her, too, including a few things I'm sure she wishes I would forget (but I won't, because sisters are like elephants -- see below). We connect on the phone at least once a day, and because our mother is in the early stages of Alzheimer's Disease, the conversation usually revolves around medications, doctor appointments, who's doing what and when. Like so many other women in our generation, we have what amounts to joint custody, while trying to simultaneously let my mother live in her own home, with help. We've split up the household chores, like bill-paying and grocery shopping, trying hard not to argue about money, trying hard to manage it all so our mother is comfortable and we stay sane. I can't imagine how I would cope with one daughter getting ready to leave for college in a few weeks, another starting high school in a month, and a mother who is tiptoeing into the frightening world of dementia . . . without my sister.
But, even in the midst of the heavy stuff we're currently dealing with, there's always a reason to laugh, even darkly, usually because of a shared memory, recalling something that one or both of us said or did, some blind date story, or hair disaster. After decades of working through, together, ups, downs, love, disappointments, success, failure, illness, marriage, divorce, children, crazy relatives and everything else that life can throw at you, we communicate in a way that only sisters can. There have been periods when we would walk on eggshells when speaking with each other, worried about misunderstandings, or hurt feelings. And a few times we didn't speak at all (once for a full year). Those days are long gone. Now in our 50s, we understand that time is precious, and it's never a good idea to waste it on words and emotions that in the scheme of things are not important. Sure, we sometimes slip back into old patterns of behavior, dredging up unresolved hurts, falling into the "you said, I said" mode. But then one of us stops us in our tracks, says something joltingly funny, and we get back to where we need to be.
Charles Schultz once wrote, "Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life." It's true. Even your best girlfriend will choose her words carefully when criticizing or offering an opinion. Not sisters, especially older ones. They are the ones who will splash cold water on your face, pointing out faults in your new boyfriend or current husband (or, more commonly, in you), feel comfortable offering parenting, fashion, hair, makeup, money advice (usually unsolicited), and can make you feel like you're an insecure twelve year old all over again, putting you in your place at warp speed. But, just as quickly, with the right words, she'll make you know -- beyond any doubt -- that she would go to the ends of the earth for you . . . no matter what. And you'll smile.
After five decades of sharing my life with one (and observing my own two daughters), here are nine things I now know about having a sister:
Sister blood is thicker than water: I've always explained to my daughters that idioms were created and passed down from generation to generation for a reason: They are based in truth. Even if you never got along with your sister (and still don't), there is a part of you that knows that friends can come and go, but sisters are forever.
Sisters are a living, breathing, walking, talking perspective check: No one will bring you back down to earth, put you in your place, push you back to reality, or give advice faster than a sister, especially an older one who truly believes it's her job to do so. A sister will also listen to you second guess yourself and help you work your way through the angst. You may squirm, roll your eyes, slam a door, or hang up the phone, but in a quiet moment, you'll realize that she was probably right.
Sisters can make you more successful: Having a sister, I learned how to get along with someone who is completely different than me. This skill carried over into relationships outside my family, and into my career. I learned how to express my feelings, communicate more clearly, and negotiate for what I want and need. There's no doubt that having a sister made me learn how to have a fight, but then figure out how to make up again (something that happens no matter how old you both get).
Sisters are a lifeline to your younger self: You may have friends to whom you feel much closer than you do your sister, but she is a powerful connection to your younger self, especially to your childhood. It's your sister who can tell stories to your kids about what you were like when you were little, what made you laugh or cry, and how you would scrunch up your face when your mother made you both eat spinach. And who else can recite every line from "Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol" with you? Your sister will be able to tell you for the one-millionth time what your father was like (ours abandoned the family when my sister was four and I was two). She'll also be the one to correct you when you share a story. After all, she's always right.
Sisters will still threaten to "tell Mom": Just the other day my sister was getting increasingly annoyed with me about something having to do with how I was handling a detail connected with my mother's house renovation. It wasn't anything my mother really needed to know about. I often preface similar conversations with "don't tell Mom, but . . ." However, in this case she was most definitely planning on telling mom if I didn't come around to her way of thinking, and quickly. Some things will never change, no matter how old we get.
Sisters should have a theme song: Ours is the "Sisters" song from "White Christmas" which starred Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, and Rosemary Clooney. We started watching it when we were kids and bring it out at least once a year. But we burst into song (and sometimes dance) whenever we feel the need for a little levity. It's also highly effective at annoying all your children at the same time. Here it is:
Sisters can make you happier: There are days (although the older we get the fewer there are) when I find it very hard to believe, but a major study confirmed that people with sisters in their lives are happier as children and grow up to be happier, better adjusted adults. The relationship with your sister can be the most intense, competitive, challenging, and trying you'll ever have, but for so many reasons, it can be the most rewarding, too. And yes, I am a happier adult simply because she's in my life.
Sisters are like elephants: If you have a sister, be prepared to have her bring up past wrongs and incidents--even going as far back as elementary school--where she believed (and still believes) you were the guilty one. My sister still recalls quite vividly the time when we were in college, I got so mad at her I drove the car away and left her stranded for about two hours. She deserved it.
Sisters need to listen as well as talk: A sister can come in handy when you need a shoulder to cry on, or when you want to bounce an idea off of someone. But don't fall into the trap, as we can with friends, of being the one who always does the talking, the sharing, the moaning and groaning. As with any important relationship or friendship, it's got to be a two-way street, or before you know it, she'll be running to mom to tell on you.
Author Linda Sunshine summed it up best when she wrote:
If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.
* * *
Barbara Hannah Grufferman is the President of Best of Everything Media, Inc., author of "The Best of Everything After 50," a guide to positive aging, and is at work on her second book, "Fifty Rules: What Every Woman Needs to Know Before Turning 50," which will be published in late 2012. Barbara is a columnist for AARP, and Chief Pundit at FOF (FabOverFifty), one of the largest websites for women over 45. She can also be found on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.
Thank you for your article. It's beautiful. I have two sisters, all of us are in our 50's, I'm the oldest, the youngest is struggling with recovering from colon cancer, the middle one is the matriarch of the family, I'm the oldest, the unconventional, the divorced one, the only divorced one, the one who has been in love with a man for the past 10 years, a man who has his own struggles.
I don't know what I would do without my sisters, I do know that my life is easier because of them. The matriarch sister is the one who handle's most of our parents' businesses, the young one is a loving and caring soul who is also a perfectionist, I hope I could help her, I can't.
It is a wonderful thing to have sisters, I feel blessed.
sunflower12: Thank you for your article. It's beautiful. I have two
I have a sister, and while we love each other, there is no bond of trust or even camaraderie between us. There was a point when I was in therapy for depression and anxiety when my therapist insisted I talk about my sister, because I never wanted to. After briefly evading his questions about her, he just asked me point blank if she was jealous of me. And I told him that she has said she was a few times, but I thought she wasn't really jealous of me... and he just plainly said, "If someone tells you they are jealous of you, they are jealous of you". And I suppose I realized that I would probably never have a truly close relationship with my sister. She tries to wound me whenever she senses I let my guard down.
And to one of the points above, friends may come and friends may go, but sisters are forever. I would say that is true for me, but my sister has let me know that most of her friends are more precious to her than I am... and that hurts, but it is what she says in many little ways. She calls her friends, she vacations with her friends, she made her friends her daughter's godmother, but she lets me know how I don't measure up for that inclusion.
JuliaOceania: I have a sister, and while we love each other,
you know, if this is of any help, I used to feel like that about my sisters, but things change.
If you can become who you are really meant to be, if you can be confident, it won't matter so much what your sister thinks about you. And you know what will happen? she will end up respecting you more.
Just let go, just be yourself, I can assure you, it works. And then, just then, you will be able to see how vulnerable she has always been, and then you will be able to care for her. Just saying.
sunflower12: you know, if this is of any help, I used
For the most part I have done that. When she is visiting I bite my lip and just continue to be who I am... and it has stopped some of the passive aggressiveness that I used to let bother me. Someone can only bother you if you allow it.
JuliaOceania: For the most part I have done that. When she
I really enjoyed this article. It's very true that my sister and I haven't always had a wonderful relationship, partly due to our upbringing, but oftentimes your sister does know you in a way that no one else does. I know it takes work to keep that relationship going, though. My mother and her sister had a falling out years ago and things haven't been the same between them, but that's partly due to their both being very dramatic people. I'm still hoping they will both realize how short life is soon because I know they were both much happier being in each others' lives.
MrsLiv: I really enjoyed this article. It's very true that my
Oh really? I wish this was true. I am 10 years older than my sister; there are no weekly chats over coffee, no bonding over men, children and that type of ilk. My sister may live in another state, but she might as well be on the moon. We just don't talk, period (and if we do, it's usually the obligatory small talk).
DragonDust: Oh really? I wish this was true. I am 10
I have nine sisters. They are delightful, intelligent, humorous, hard working women, whom I have great pride and joy and respect. They are my best friends. I am most blessed.
olitenup: I have nine sisters. They are delightful, intelligent, humorous, hard
You are lucky. My sister still hates me with a vengeance because she says I was "prettier than she was" as a child. I never was aware of this if it is true at all, and I certainly NEVER said anything like that - because I never thought that! She still hates me and is jealous of me if I make any money at all - ie. unless I'm in abject poverty, she is full of hate and retribution. We haven't spoken in 6 years. It's sad. I thought we were friends growing up but she was seething with resentment the whole time, she now says. She's the LAST PERSON ON EARTH I would trust, and if I was murdered, I would list her as the first suspect. Not all families are as lucky (if that's the word) as yours. I've tried everything to appease my sister, to make whatever it is up to her, but there is no making anything up to her. Sometimes I think she has a personality disorder but I'm not sure. It's sad. So for me, chosen friends are much more valued than family that you didn't choose.
opinionator63: You are lucky. My sister still hates me with a
"Sometimes I think she has a personality disorder"
I finally had to recognize (I had really known for many years just didn't know what to call it) that my sister is a sociopath and have not spoken to her now for nearly 5 years.
My husband knew the day was coming (or hoped it was) long before I did, after watching years of emotional abuse at my sister's hands. Who also btw, told me on more than one occasion that she had always resented me. I am the older sister and yes, was also the "prettier" one, as well as the more popular one. Nothing I did intentionally, it just was, but she held it against me for the rest of our adult lives.
Sadly, I would have done anything for my sister (and often DID). I would drop anything (or anyone) at a moments notice when she needed me but never got the same in return. At an early age she learned how to manipulate people and their feelings, and even though I ALWAYS knew I was being manipulated (which was often enough) I STILL was there for her for ANYTHING! Yet, as we got older I realized more and more how she always seemed to be too "busy" when I needed her most (often with insignificant things that could've waited), but always 'pretending' to care when it mattered for something important to her.
Continued...
HHUA: Part 1: "Sometimes I think she has a personality disorder"
Something I went through as well, I would certainly not say I was prettier than my sister, but all of my aunts and uncles and cousins made a big deal out of me (my sister and my cousin and I were the only girls out of 17 grandkids on my dad's side). She hated me at times because of this, and it was for nothing I had done wrong.
JuliaOceania: Something I went through as well, I would certainly not
Only child here..never dealt with the grief and joy that comes from siblings..Most of the time I enjoy being the only child but then there are times I wish I had someone that I could be totally honest with and know me better than I know myself..
sjmir: Only child here..never dealt with the grief and joy that
And between the competition and perhaps even jealously, a sister will always be there in your most desperate of times and at the very end caring for you, like you did for each other in your childhood.
PoliSci2008: And between the competition and perhaps even jealously, a sister
My sister and I never had a theme song but we did have catch phrases. It started in the 80's and we were enamored of the movie "Maxie" After that, every letter, note and more was signed YTCP by me to her and YTBK by her to me. It has not even been a week since I lost her, my only sibling, my first best friend and the only person who was able to keep me from the really oddballiest things that wander into my head. My darling, Squeeg- I miss you now and will miss you always. YTCP.
Amie_Nogrady: My sister and I never had a theme song but
This is great! I'm going to print it out and share it with my sisters. We've had a rocky road since Dad died a few years ago. This will help shore it up. Thanks!
LynneSpreen: This is great! I'm going to print it out and
Lynne, the bond is still there. Let something happen to one of your girls, and your sisters will close rank care for that sister. God Bless You and your Sisters!
PoliSci2008: Lynne, the bond is still there. Let something happen to
I don't know what I would do without my sisters, I do know that my life is easier because of them. The matriarch sister is the one who handle's most of our parents' businesses, the young one is a loving and caring soul who is also a perfectionist, I hope I could help her, I can't.
It is a wonderful thing to have sisters, I feel blessed.
And to one of the points above, friends may come and friends may go, but sisters are forever. I would say that is true for me, but my sister has let me know that most of her friends are more precious to her than I am... and that hurts, but it is what she says in many little ways. She calls her friends, she vacations with her friends, she made her friends her daughter's godmother, but she lets me know how I don't measure up for that inclusion.
If you can become who you are really meant to be, if you can be confident, it won't matter so much what your sister thinks about you. And you know what will happen? she will end up respecting you more.
Just let go, just be yourself, I can assure you, it works. And then, just then, you will be able to see how vulnerable she has always been, and then you will be able to care for her. Just saying.
Those 9 things only apply to your sister.
"Sometimes I think she has a personality disorder"
I finally had to recognize (I had really known for many years just didn't know what to call it) that my sister is a sociopath and have not spoken to her now for nearly 5 years.
My husband knew the day was coming (or hoped it was) long before I did, after watching years of emotional abuse at my sister's hands. Who also btw, told me on more than one occasion that she had always resented me. I am the older sister and yes, was also the "prettier" one, as well as the more popular one. Nothing I did intentionally, it just was, but she held it against me for the rest of our adult lives.
Sadly, I would have done anything for my sister (and often DID). I would drop anything (or anyone) at a moments notice when she needed me but never got the same in return. At an early age she learned how to manipulate people and their feelings, and even though I ALWAYS knew I was being manipulated (which was often enough) I STILL was there for her for ANYTHING! Yet, as we got older I realized more and more how she always seemed to be too "busy" when I needed her most (often with insignificant things that could've waited), but always 'pretending' to care when it mattered for something important to her.
Continued...