05/13/2010 06:09 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Heavy Reading

I'm inspired, transformed in anticipation of part-time, kinda sorta Gov. Sarah Palin's upcoming tome.

My Lady of the North is a regular Stephen King with the writing business. Her first best seller, Going Rogue, is barely out in paperback and already Sarah is ready to deliver another surefire hit. The best thing about Ms. Sarah's book is that she is making massive bank for doing nothing.

The book is mostly copies of stories, poetry and songs that have "inspired" the almost Vice President of The United States.

Only in America! Pull a work ethic like that in China and some aging, rich American is one step closer to a new liver.

Sarah's upcoming book, America By Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag, will include "selections from classic and contemporary readings that have moved her," according to the book's publisher, HarperCollins. The "book" will also include items from "the nation's founding documents, great speeches, sermons, letters, literature, poetry, biography, and even some of her favorite songs and movies."

Like I said, Sarah isn't doing shit. Not lifting a finger on this one. She's just lending her brand to HarperCollins for a very nice fee. I've never been a fan of The Drill, Baby, Drill Girl of 2008, but I love her cash cow-ability. Mock Sarah if you will, but admit that she's got a talent for reproducing humans and Benjamins.

Sarah's new book is inspired by her strong belief in family, faith, and patriotism.

"The book will also include portraits of some of the extraordinary men and women she admires and who embody her deep love of country, her strong faith, and her profound love and appreciation of family," the statement from HarperCollins reads.

Inspiring, right?

Which is why I'm pitching a book about the people, music, heroes and patriotic moments that have inspired me. Below are some early drafts.

Most Inspirational Song: "Red, White and Blue" by Toby Keith

If ever a song fit a moment in time, it was Toby's rowdy 9/11 revenge ballad. When that sucker hit the air, even the liberal snoots in the lame-stream press raised a fist in fury.

I watched a CU women's studies professor use her teeth to rip apart a copy of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged after listening to "Red, White and Blue" for 37 hours straight.

Personal hero: Alphonse Gabriel Capone

I am a capitalist by nature and as such, I respect success. I know what it takes to get to the top of a major enterprise and keep hold even as rivals and the feds try to bring you down. Plus there's something in all of us that admires the bad boy, the ruffian who follows his own rules and isn't afraid to break laws and skulls if that is what it takes to get the job done.

Which is why I have always admired Chicago mob boss and opera patron, Al Capone. What did Al do that was so wrong? He provided a service, one the public wanted. Capone was the Wal-Mart of his era; only he sold booze, whores, drugs and murder, not crap made in China.

Capone remains an inspiring figure for conservative minds. No one hated paying taxes more than Capone. In a way, he is the great, great grandfather of today's Tea baggers.

Favorite Patriot:

I could do the easy thing, could go with the crowd and throw down with Numero Uno, First Prez George Washington. I might also select the standard number two, that scholarly and very randy Thomas Jefferson. But going with the masses and doing what's expected isn't my thing. I scoff at your conventionalism and your need to always choose the most popular Pat.
Not me. I swim upstream, mate and die. That's why my Patriot BFF is Aaron Burr.

Dude was right there at the birth of the nation. He almost beat Jefferson for president and handled his business as the nation's third VP. After Burr left the vice-presidency at the end of his term in 1805, he ventured into the wild Ohio River Valley and the explored the turf we got in the Louisiana Purchase. Burr wanted to fight Spain and mess with what would become Texas, then carve out a personal kingdom in The West.

Dude had style.

Course Burr is my top Pat cause he killed a man. Popped a cap in Al Hamilton's ass for trash talking about him in the media. Yes, the Vice President of the United States made his bones.

Gotta love it.

Hey HarperCollins, you listening?