Now that the Ruskies are once more spying on the United States and using their sex-crazed models to destroy Mel Gibson, America must rely on strength and power to save our precious union.
Toughness is the only thing Ivan understands, which is why manly presidents have served us well in the face of the Commie threat.
Below are random thoughts on the manliness meters of every Commander in Chief during my lifetime.
Dwight Eisenhower:
By definition, one does not rise through the ranks of The U. S. Army to become the Supreme Allied Commander during the greatest American conflict since the Civil War without a serious helping of machismo. Ike oversaw Normandy and won World War II. Things don't get more manly than snuffing out Hitler. And he did it without bitch slapping a shell-shocked private.
Unfortunately, Ike loses points for letting the Soviets grab half of Europe. Ike, you just crushed the Third Reich, why not follow it up by putting a boot up Stalin's ass?
Final Grade: B+
John F. Kennedy:
Anyone able to bang Marilyn Monroe in her prime and get her to sing "Happy Birthday Mr. President," in a near see-through gown on national TV has balls the size of Air Force One. JFK had more women than Genghis Khan and still landed the hottest First Lady that ever lived. (No disrespect to Mary Todd Lincoln intended). Kennedy also proved heroic in WW2. He stood tow to tow with the Ruskies during the Cuban Missile Crisis and left us with some of the most stirring speeches in the last fifty years.
Kennedy gets a few minor demerits for pussing out during the Bay of Pigs, but he does get street cred for trying to kill Castro with poison cigars.
Final Grade: A-
Lyndon Johnson:
For being a hard-nosed, son of a bitch from Texas, Johnson gets some straight up man points. But he owned beagles, which are among the least manly of all canines. Where Chihuahuas too ethnic for you Lyndon?
Johnson escalated the Vietnam War -- major negatives there. He also lacked the guts to seek reelection, and in doing so, got Richard Nixon elected president.
Final Grade: C-
Richard Nixon:
The words Quaker and Man mesh as well as Lindsay Lohan and sobriety. The Quakers make fine oatmeal, but when it comes to a knife fight, you're better off with a Mormon.
Nixon wore leather shoes and knee-high black dress socks while strolling on the beach. He also played the piano just like Elton John.
The guy's nickname was Dick.
Nixon got impeached for a small-time crime, accepted a pardon, and failed to man up for his blunders like his macho underling, G. Gordon Liddy.
And finally, Dick Nixon's middle name was Milhous.
How the hell did he ever get elected?
Final Grade: F
Gerald Ford:
Thought not much of a president, Gerald Ford had some fine manly qualities. He was an All-American center at Michigan when the team went undefeated and won the National Championship. He also survived two assassination attempts while president.
Not many men are faster than bullets.
Unfortunately, Ford loses points for pardoning Nixon. A real man lets lesser men face their punishment. Ford also allowed his wife to become a sloppy lush. Think Mel Gibson would let that happen?
Ford earns demerits for losing the presidency to a peanut farmer.
Good guy, decent golfer, but on the man scale, Jerry is an average student all the way.
Final Grade: C
Jimmy Carter:
If they gave out man points for kindness, Carter would have his face on Mt. Rushmore. But that is not how this game is played. Instead, Carter will be remembered as Southern dandy, who wore sweaters, taught Sunday school and let the Soviet Union march into Afghanistan.
Rather than stand up to the Commie threat, Carter pulled out of the Olympics.
He also let Islamic crazies hold Americans hostage for 444 days in Iran. Sure, Carter did great things for Middle East peace. The deal he arranged between Israel and Egypt took brains and guts, but that bright spot won't make a tinker's damn of difference as far as men are concerned.
I've met President Carter and like him, but when the bullets are flying, I need a thug in my corner, not a choirboy.
Final Grad: D
Ronald Reagan
Real man all the way. From his teen years as a lifeguard, to his time spent chopping wood and riding stallions in the hills above my former home in Santa Barbara, Reagan ranks. He was a Hollywood star, a hard ass California governor who kicked hippy ass, a lifelong Commie hater and a man fully enveloped with the image of a freedom-loving cowboy.
Reagan did some dumb things like turn tale and run after the Islamic nuts bombed the Marines in Lebanon. He also gets major negatives for trading weapons for hostages and furthering the designs of the Imams of Iran. But he makes up for it by kicking the Soviets to the curb. Reagan did not end the Cold War, but he helped shove Lenin into the trash heap of history.
All in all Dutch Reagan gets his due.
Final Grade: B
George Herbert Walker Bush:
This guy is my sentimental favorite. For reasons I never understood, the media painted George Herbert Walker Bush as a wimp. But if you remove his professorial spectacles and lose the highbred, New England accent, Bush the First was as manly as they come.
A superstar athlete, he played for first base for Yale and once met Babe Ruth. He was also one of the youngest flying aces in WW2. What kind of wimp signs up for flying duty over Japan at the age of 18?
Bush flew 58 combat missions in The Pacific. And even though his plane caught flak and fire, he completed his mission and rained bombs down upon Japanese targets before ditching the damaged craft. He drifted at sea for hours and avoided capture before his rescue. He also won the Distinguished Flying Cross.
Unlike his mush-for-brains eldest son, Bush I was a true wildcat Texas oilman.
Want more?
Bush ran the CIA. He remained loyal and did his job as VP under Reagan. He also invaded Panama when one-time Central American strongman Manny "Pineapple Face" Noriega refused to cut Bush in on the coke money.
Bush I organized a true global coalition against Saddam Hussein, crushed the tin-plated dictator in hours, and had the good sense to get the hell out of the Iraq as quickly as possible.
Dude did a parachute jump at age 85.
This guy deserved a second term.
Final Grade: A+
Bill Clinton:
For being the second most randy Prez this side of JFK, Clinton gets man points. The gals know a man when the see one and they love Clinton. But there is more to being a real man than sweet talk, penis girth and cigar smoke.
Clinton was sloppy (blue dress anyone?) Plus Bill was not fussy. JFK held out for the babes of his time. Clinton would take anything in kneepads.
Big Bill gets strong points for defeating his manly better, George Bush, and also earns a tip of the hat for dealing with Bosnia in an effective and efficient manner. Where once there was death and ethnic cleansing, now there are topless beaches filled with Euro babes.
Well done, Mr. President.
Final Grade: B-
George W. Bush:
If this were about incompetence, George W. Bush would rank supreme, but that is for others to discuss at a future date. Here, we only talk of machismo. And on that account, W warrants a fair examination.
He loses points off the top for ignoring Clinton's alerts about Osama bin Laden, but he scores high man grades for bombing a lot of people back to the Stone Age. Men like to smash things. We want our enemies to bathe in excrement and blood. So in terms of manly anger and vengeance, Bush earns respect.
W finished the job his father left behind in Iraq. He also blew up Uday and Qussay Hussein and gets high marks for getting Saddam to the gallows. Say what you will about the overall need for the war, the cost and the mistakes, but all men feel good about snuffing out Saddam and his evil seed.
Unfortunately, Bush missed the real enemy and let Bin Laden escape a similar fate. Real men take care of real threats, so Bush gets massive negatives for letting Afghanistan rot.
Finally, real men are modest, but Bush strutted as if he had shot Liberty Valance.
Final Grade: D
Barack Obama:
Given the newness of his presidency, the jury can't speak. I like the fact that he did a little coke back in the day, but he's too damn skinny. First Pet, Bo can take him down. Barack also spends too much time on the golf course for consideration in the Man's Hall of Fame.
Besides, take it from experience; anyone with the given name "Barry" can't be taken seriously.