As the bubbling crude slowly makes its way into every estuary, wetland and beach cove from Venice, La. to Hilton Head, S. C. the blame game heats up. Naturally, The Halliburton haters of the world point a greasy finger at Big Oil.
I blame the environmentalists.
Everyone knows these latter day hippies hate all oil that is not made from hemp or patchouli. Clearly, they are the ones with the most to gain from a Rhode Island sized oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. I've watched enough cop and court shows to realize that the first suspect is never guilty. There is always a twist that exonerates the likely candidate and sheds light -- or in this case -- oil stains on the real culprit.
Big Oil has nothing to gain by "accidentally" spewing a few billion gallons of crude into the ocean. But this is just the disaster the lobbyists behind Big Wind have craved since The Exxon Valdez helped Americans locate Alaska on a map.
It's time to put on your Glenn Beck beanies and connect the dots.
Exhibit One: Isn't it strange that the disastrous oil leak off Louisiana occurred just days before the Obama Administration backed a massive wind farm project off the coast of Nantucket? Obama's Interior Secretary Ken Salazar boasted that the Cape Wind Project off Massachusetts "will be the first of many projects up and down the coast."
The guilty always tip their hands.
I hate to alarm the rubes out there, but when it comes to presidential politics, everything is planned well in advance. Obama and his enviro-friendly pals not only love this disaster, but they knew it was coming. I'm pretty sure Obama pal George Soros went short on BP stock months ago.
Case closed!
Exhibit two: Obama was schooled inside Indonesian madras as a child. The Dutch once ruled Indonesia. Holland is a socialist state that has legalized marijuana, prostitution and windmills. Obama has traveled to Europe. He has instructed his attorney general to ignore the growing threat of medical marijuana. Obama plays golf. Tiger Woods is a man whore.
Case closed!
Exhibit three: One day Obama brags about building a massive wind farm off Nantucket and the next thing you know, we've got a massive oil slick in the Gulf. Now Obama wants to stop offshore oil exploration. Do you plan to sit still while the Euro-friendly president spends tax dollars to erect a Dutch-styled windmill atop the Washington Monument?
This suspicious oil disaster is just one step on the road toward the coming wind-driven, pot-smoking, tax-hiking, brothel state Obama has planned since his parents smuggled him into Hawaii from Kenya when he was three weeks old.
Just as President Bush needed 9/11 to justify his war on terror, Obama needs the Gulf spill to begin his sinister dream of ridding the world of nuclear weapons, oil, and coal then replacing these tried and true job-creating institutions with green energy jobs.
It is all part of Obama's coming Green Dictatorship.
Case closed!
Laugh all you want, but this will be part of the conversation. I'm just trying to get ahead of the crazy curve and beat the Fox News staff to the punch.
In fact, none other than Mark Brown, the former head of FEMA saw something conspiratorial amid all those bloated fish. Brown, the man who handled the Katrina Hurricane matter so well for President Bush knows a thing or two about disaster. Remember President Bush praised Brown for doing "a heck of a job," with that Katrina business. The last time my boss spread that much ass butter on my backside, I got a 2 percent cost of living raise.
Brown explained things on Your World with Neil Cavuto earlier this week on the Fox News Network. Like me, Brown thinks this oil spill is just part of Big Enviro's sinister plot to squeeze Big Oil dry.
Brown told Cavuto that Obama and his administration are thrilled by the current disaster in the Gulf. "This is exactly what they want, because now he can pander to the environmentalists and say, 'I'm gonna shut it down because it's too dangerous,'" Brown said. "This president has never supported big oil, he's never supported offshore drilling, and now he has an excuse to shut it back down."
I'm not saying some turtle-loving enviro warriors blew up BP's oil rig; I'm just tossing out worthy theories. Face it, either this disaster was caused by a gang of Obama-backing windmill addicts; by the negligence or greed of a global oil corporation, or by the Hand of God to punish The Gulf of Mexico for signing a pact with the devil.
I'm just reporting you can do the deciding.
Here's what we have to gain from getting out of oil (Middle Eastern or otherwise): (1) no more dependence on decadent dictatorships - we can't really go around preaching peace and freedom when we're forced to publicly make out with crime lords, opium barons, and people who consider themselves living gods; (2) significantly reduced greenhouse gas pollution; (3) we can stop getting ripped off by OPEC; (4) we can avoid coming tensions with Russia, Canada, and Greenland over access to Arctic oil deposits; (5) the exorbitant prices our citizens pay to meet their daily energy needs will no longer line the pockets of speculators, currency manipulators, and day-traders; (6) we will have incentives to develop new energy technologies, which we can then market to the rest of the world.
Read more: http://www.theinductive.com/blog/2010/5/7/our-visceral-energy-policy.html
But seriously. He was trying to be funny. I know because I read it through and through. Even righties can make a fellow laugh, sometimes on purpose.