Plenty of things about middle age really suck. Waistlines expand, hair thins, skin sags. And then there's all that stuff with the nether regions.
If you're middle aged and recently became single, issues like these not only affect your reflection in the mirror, they can also impact your search for a new partner. There's an understandable anxiety about the future, a lack of confidence in yourself, and a very natural inclination to grab on to someone, anyone, so as to not be alone.
This leads to the fairly common situation of a newly divorced person jumping right into another relationship, quite often with someone just like his or her former spouse. Many of us can point to someone we know who "remarried their ex."
Rather than fear the effects of time and race to get ahead of them, I'd argue that those single and over 50 should slow down, embrace their circumstance, and appreciate the great gift that time has given them. A gift that, if used correctly, makes their search for a new partner so much more likely to result in an excellent match.
That's because now, in middle age, you can include actual history and accumulated facts in seeking a new mate. It sure wasn't that way in your 20s; back then it was all hypothetical, and you had to project your future together based on scant evidence. But now, by recognizing the data that's right there for the taking, you can be in a much better, much more powerful position as you make choices about a potential life partner.
Here are some examples of how that advantage can play out:
Family: The first time around, you likely asked yourself "Will he/she make a good mother/father?" You could guess based on his or her family life, and what you thought of his or her parents, but that wasn't much to go on.
Now, that doesn't matter, as you won't be having more children. Instead, your potential mate's actual kids are right there to be evaluated. You'll be able to consider your feelings for them, and theirs for you. Are they mature and self-sufficient, or might your new relationship be strained if your mate ends up supporting them emotionally and/or financially?
And if you hope to spend a lot of time with your kids, you'll get a first-hand view of your children relating to your potential mate, and vice versa. If everyone gets along, great. If not, that could affect your thinking going forward.
Career and Financial: Back in your 20s, whether you focused on financial success, quality of life, or sense of purpose, there were no guarantees -- only speculation.
But now, 30 or more years on, there should be significant clarity on how it went for both you and your new mate. You can also judge his or her level of happiness and career satisfaction, which will impact your relationship. Plus, you have a shorter, more realistic timeline until retirement, and the ability to actually plan for it. Of course, this assumes you'll both open up and share financial details. If that trust isn't there, well, that's another point to consider as you make decisions going forward.
Interests: Back when you first got married, you and your spouse likely had very similar interests. Again, there was no way to know if those interests would stay in sync -- you had hope, but no guarantee.
Now, starting over, you first get to rediscover what you truly care about now. Once you've done that, you're perfectly positioned to find a mate who shares those same interests. Whether it's someone with an online dating profile just like yours ("Hiking, Chardonnay, foreign films!"), or you meet actually doing the activity you share in common (a Bernie Sanders rally, a Donald Trump rant), you have the chance to find someone who matches who you are now.
Fitness, Attractiveness, and Sex: Three decades ago it's likely you were both fairly fit, equally attractive to the other, and had trouble keeping your hands to yourself. You hoped it would always stay that way, but you had no way to know.
Now, starting fresh, you can take stock of where you are in those areas, and search for someone who matches up. If you enjoy working out, wouldn't it be great to have your lover join you in exercise, and in the shower after? Maybe your idea of strenuous activity is pointing the remote at the TV -- here's your chance to find that special someone to be slumped next to you on the couch.
Maybe you aged well; maybe time took an extra heavy toll. Regardless, this is your opportunity to discover someone you find hot right now, and who feels the same about you ... or at least figures you're the best he or she can do. And whether your preference for sex is daily, weekly, monthly, or every total eclipse of the sun, finding a partner who thinks likewise will definitely be a plus for the relationship.
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Those over 50 may be feeling the effects of time, but time is not the enemy of the single over 50. By not rushing into a new relationship, and instead using the power of time to aid the search for a new partner, those over 50 can accumulate important information and make better decisions.
This isn't to say that finding the right partner is just a matter of entering data into a spreadsheet. The factors mentioned above are certainly outweighed by the more "natural" connections and attractions couples feel for each other.
However, it would be a mistake to let connection and attraction become so overwhelming that you ignore the history that's available. Adding that information to the mix, in proper proportion, may move the needle enough to push you into a relationship with "The One," or keep you from a relationship with the next ex.
For more content of interest to Over 50s who are divorced, or are considering divorce, please visit DivorcedOver50.com.
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