Dear Alberto "Judge" Gonzalez,
You may not remember me (course you don't), I am one of Pres. Bush's unauthorized "assistants." We met when you were cleaning the toilets at the governor's mansion. (You did great, always with a smile!) So I just want to let you know how much the President and everyone here appreciates your "selfless" "stewardship" of the DOJ (hey, what's left of it!).
Inspired by your deaf and dumb shows before various Congressional committees, I wonder if you would mind doing the following? (I can't say on whose behalf I'm asking, but rest assured it comes "from the very top"):
Would you mind dressing up in this costume, enclosed, as a Living Fart Joke?
We think it'd make a cute cut-up to lighten things at the next "cabinet' "meeting"--you get to be CAPTAIN PFFFT! You know how much people here love these kind of all-American prankish hijinx. Normally we would dig up a dead clown and stuff him inside the suit for this. But after watching your tireless "Duh, gee, beats me" work before all those microphones, we think you're "the man!"
Also, your silly little recaps of death-row inmates' clemency pleas are still such a giggle (amazing that despite your feigned Alzheimer's, you can remember such things over all these years!), we wonder:
Can you put any of em to a hip-hop beat, a la Karl's cutting up of recent memory? See, we're having some "news pundits" into the executive washroom (don't worry, you won't have to scrub the bowls again--unless you'd like to!) for a fun old time, just "hanging out" as "folks". What say? The President always pisses himself when you go into your little act with this stuff, you are so cute! Please say yes?
On a serious note...I am wearing my "It's a Privilege to Work for the White House" T-shirt as I write (as I breathe!!). But your dedication and loyalty puts us all to shame. Pardon my saying, but gosh it musta hurt, having those precious words stitched in leather into that part of your private person I am too well brought up to refer by name! (sitting for all those hours in a hearing room , ow!!)
Judge Gonzales, you are one of my heroes!!! PLEASE DESTROY THIS EMAIL UPON READING.
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