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Bashir Ahmad Gwakh Headshot

Britney Spears' Ex for President

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Why could Adnan Ghalib win the Afghan presidential election?

Adnan Ghalib, an ex-boyfriend of the messed-up US star Britney Spears, is facing the possibility of being deported to his home country, Afghanistan. And no, it's not because of whipping his famous ex-girlfriend but because he has charged with assault with a deadly weapon, hit-and-run and battery.

Mr. Ghalib is reluctant about going back to Afghanistan but I believe he should change his mind immediately and go for it. After all, back in his ancestral homeland of Afghanistan, a great opportunity is awaiting the former photographer. Brace yourselves and hold your breath. Adnan Ghalib could become our president. Yes, he could. You don't believe me? Here is why...

I am, of course, aware that the first thing that crosses the reader's mind is this: Isn't it too late? After all, the nominations for the presidential race in Afghanistan are done and dusted. But hang on, there's hope. If he slipped a couple of thousand bucks to the Afghan Election Commission, he would be in, and that in no time.

But what if the Taliban tried to kill him? Relax; there is no chance of that. We all know that Ghalib dumped his infidel ex-girlfriend in a manner most pleasing to the Taliban. He sold her nude pictures, inappropriate text messages and "private memories" and then left her, drowning in dirt. Our guess is that by selling such private souvenirs, Adnan Ghalib tried to unveil to the world Britney's secret plan to misguide the Muslim youth with tantalizing, nearly-naked appearances in music videos. In other words, Adnan Ghalib was not only making money from washing his dirty linen in public, he was also trying to protect the Muslim youth from Britney. And let's not forget that he tried his heart out to convert the morally misguided singer to Islam.

As the Taliban believe they are the only followers and protectors of Islam, so Ghalib's services would be more than adequate to convince the Taliban leader and the commander of the faithful, Mullah Omar, to issue a Fatwa, praising Ghalib's "good deeds" in the service of Islam. Mullah Omar would go even further, endorsing Ghalib's candidacy and persuading the pious people of Afghanistan to vote for him. Extremists are known for ignoring limits. Hence, we can expect the Taliban to push the boundaries even further and threaten anyone who dares not vote for Ghalib with a Taliban style nose-job. In other words, if voters fail to vote for Ghalib, they'll get their noses cut off. The Taliban are not yet known in the world's cosmetic surgery circles but their talent for cutting noses as a punishment is well-documented in Afghanistan. Sometimes they even offer get two for the price of one, cutting both noses and ears.

Is there any other concern? Oh yes, how would Ghalib get the required number of votes to ensure him Afghanistan's most indulgent post? Well, thanks to American hoodwinking, futile democracy and Ghalib's very own filthy relations with the glamorous star, the Afghan youth will vote for him in the mindless, passionate manner for which young people are known worldwide. One problem, though, still remains. What to do with those Afghan villagers who have no idea that Britney is a glamorous world star or that their estranged cousin, Ghalib, has been her boyfriend. The answer is easy: the villagers' votes could be bought. All you need to do is to bribe their tribal leaders, Afghanistan's most selfish creatures who cannibalize the innocent people like animals.

So far so good! The only problem left is the support of the so called international community. But that's not even worth worrying about because our next president, Mr. Adnan Ghalib, already has an Arab and British touch. How come? Don't ask me. The Wikipedia says so. And then, we could call him the Americans' son-in-law. Alright, alright, he never married Britney so this description is not working. But how about wanna-be-son-in-law? That's better? Okay, we are good!

And the female voters? Who cares about them! But I am sure they would eagerly vote for Ghalib just because of Britney. In spite of her having shaved her head a few years ago, Britney is still a woman (no shaving heads for women in Afghanistan) and women are known to vote for other women. By the way, thanks to the Afghans' famous hospitality, Britney Spears has already registered for voting in Afghanistan. Looking at her ex-boyfriend's successful march towards the Presidential Palace, Britney would eagerly cast her own vote for him. And so, eventually, they will be together again. We will have a global-Afghan president and an illustrious artist first lady. The Taliban will stop fighting and the people will be satisfied. In short, a Hollywood-style happy ending, beating Slumdog Millionaire hands down!

P.S. With Britney Spears as our first lady, the French will no longer be the only nation with an infamous phony artist acting as the First Lady. And with his Excellency President Adnan Ghalib, we will be able to compete with the US in terms of producing a "global citizen" as our president. Afghanistan will be internationally envied for its talent to catch up with the world's newest trends in an impressively short time.