I don't' remember when or how I found The Bunny Cage blog, but upon seeing the provocative photography of this self-styled Cindy Sherman of Wyoming, I started following Sara LeeAnn Banevedes. It was hard to believe someone so hip was living in a small town writing such interesting stories and taking such revealing photos of herself. She was a sexy and obviously talented mom with a young daughter who lived with a cowboy husband who seemed to be ignoring her. I made "friends" with her on Facebook so I could follow her more closely.
This displaced Californian was a cancer survivor who, in her own words, "moved to Wyoming (with my now ex-husband) in order that my daughter might have a slower-paced life in the wide open spaces, near her paternal grandparents, where her daddy could prosper in business so her mommy could afford to stay home and care for every day."
From reading her blog, seeing her Facebook posts and looking at her photos it became obvious that something was wrong in her world. Never having talked to her, all I had to go on was the internet evidence but was not surprised when she revealed she was getting a divorce.
Today she dropped a cyber bomb that surprised all her friends. She confessed a secret that as a divorce attorney I am all too familiar with: She admitted that almost a year ago she foolishly signed papers given to her by her husband's divorce attorney, giving her husband sole custody of her daughter. She admitted, "I only see her four days a month. I see her every other weekend, and that's all."
When I read those words my heart dropped to my stomach. This child is the light of her mother's life. All the stories, photos and Facebook posts about this miraculous child and the obvious bond between mother and child had come to this. Some hired gun had helped the client trick the mother into signing over custody so that it would be very difficult for the mother to come back to court later to ask for custody.
This is the danger of our adversarial system. When one side has money to hire the biggest shark in town and the other side doesn't, the poor parent is going to get screwed.
I kept reading the story and sure enough, it was exactly what I had thought. Her own words tell the tale:
I've been living in a state of surrealist shock -- like an acid trip, minus the euphoria, all dancing clowns and skeletons in the closet -- since the day my ex-husband told me he 'changed his mind' and we won't be sharing custody of our only child after all.Months before John and I sat down with a bottle of wine and agreed divorce was the best option. We weren't in love. In fact, he pretty much hated my free spirited, liberal attitude, my wanderlust, my tastes in music and art, the way I laugh with my head thrown back and cry when I watch the news. And I pretty much hated his conservatism, the way his cowboy boots sounded on my hardwood floor, his obsession with his pick-up truck, the way he wanted a bacon sandwich more than sex, and how he watched CNN from the breakfast table. We had become ill-suited for each other, had accepted it, and were ready to move on.
But, I'd been a cancer-survivor, stay-at-home mom on hiatus from any educational pursuits or work for 5 years, completely isolated out here in the middle nowhere with no family support and one friend. All the sudden I had to get myself a job, a place to live and an identity outside of him.
And I did. FAST. It took me six months to get myself together. He promised as soon as I secured a living environment that was comparable to his -- in a safe neighborhood where Beau had her own space -- that we would share custody of her week-to-week. He told me to sign the custody agreement his lawyer drew up (because it was just for financial purposes that he was named the sole custodian -- that way he would be responsible for the legal fees of the divorce and have to carry health insurance for Beau, etc.)
I did everything he asked. Then, I waited. And waited. And waited. And essentially, he told me, "Fake, just kidding. We're going to go ahead and follow that bogus legal agreement you signed, sucker. You get every other weekend and alternating holidays until she's 18."
Let's be real. I think he and his family were hoping I would pack my shit and go back home to California, or slit my wrists. Which, with no familial support, one friend, no money, lovely genetic makeup, gypsy spirit and history for dramatic exists weren't all that far fetched. N'cest pas?"
This is just another travesty of justice perpetrated by a shark divorce lawyer who saw the opportunity to get an advantage over the "adversary" instead of trying to help a young couple set up a fair parenting plan that took the child's best interest into consideration. This little girl has been taken care of by her mom for her entire life. To disrupt a child's sense of security by severely limiting contact with her primary physical custodian is monstrous. It is despicable that one parent would induce a parent to sign away custody with the promise that they would get 50/50 custody later and then snake out of the deal because their lawyer had conveniently omitted that part of the agreement in the court order. And this is a common situation.
Until couples protect their co-parenting relationship by avoiding these kinds of adversarial divorce attorneys, more children's lives will be ruined, more couples will end up broke and angry. It is time everyone got on the Peaceful Divorce bandwagon. By working together and keeping the focus on the child's best interest, couples can spend their money on their child and not their divorce attorney's child. It is high time we put these kinds of legal dinosaurs out to pasture and embraced a more humane attitude and procedures for divorcing couples.
Follow Belinda Etezad Rachman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/belindaesq
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After the ink dried however, even getting the minimum scheduled visitation required epic battles at every turn. I don't know why, but for some reason my mom harbored this irrational fear that we didn't love her, and was extremely jealous of any time we spent with him (She once, for a moment, kicked me out of her house at 7 years old because I "loved my father more than her".). During visitation
It's tough to say this, but I really wish I could've lived with my dad as a kid, or at least spent more time with him. They both loved us, but he was far more levelheade
Initially, I wanted to blame the lawyer so I didn't have to believe John would do such an unspeakabl
Afer I told him I'd finally saved enough money to move into a large, rental home in a nice neighborho
"I don't disagree at all. As you said, my only concern is your current living location. Keep me posted on how that goes and we will go from there. I admire and respect your determinat
On a side note, I've noticed something in some of the comments (things such as "There must be more to the story") that seems to indicate, to me, a big part of the problem in family law. It seems that there is a universal assumption of fault, that there has to be a good and bad person coming into every divorce; the default custody arrangemen
Blaming the lawyers is a bit of a cop-out though; lawyers merely do as their told by clients. Also, it is not only money but willingnes
Does the "cowboy" feel the "freespiri
Now, because he can, he thinks her involvemen
Do you think "the cowboy" would be making different decisions if his attorney and parents weren't putting their two cents in? Probably. Most likely he doesnt want to "look like" he gave in to her for fear of what his peers would say or how it would look.
He is probably a great guy, and so is she......s
Allowing Beau the joy of a FULL relationsh
I, however, am not ill-inform
I, in fact, also know the "ins" and "outs" of nearly EVERY detail of this marriage and divorce from its conception
And then it started...
Interestin
If only she had listened to me..."Cowb
And I just want my baby.
"It is despicable that one parent would induce a parent to sign away custody with the promise that they would get 50/50 custody later and then snake out of the deal because their lawyer had convenient
Let me guess: Sara is a sweet, free-spiri
This is what I think: Sara signed the documents WITH FULL KNOWLEDGE she would only see her child 4 days out of each month. She is now not only emberrased
"Hey, I just wanted to let you know I spoke with this lady today. I'm in the wrong profession
Johnny"
She's just a baby. She needs us both.
I am not surprised to see catty comments here about mental institutio
Pity for your limited experience and shallow perception
I am comfortabl
*Psst... My love of wine, Helmut Newton, tattoos, and my baby girl aren't mutually exclusive. ;-)
As a warning to other women, this article is great. As a stay-at-ho
So, watch your mouth.
We have a legal system, ladies and gentlemen; but not necessaril