Anticipation In Love And Sex

The word "anticipation" makes me think of slow-moving ketchup and Carly Simon. Maybe you think about award ceremonies or being hungry before dinnertime, but when I think of "anticipation," I most often think of carefully-choreographed sexual tension. Patients talk about the feeling of pining, a deliciously uncomfortable sensation that is both exciting and excruciating--like scratching a mosquito bite until it bleeds, or that deep massage that hurts so good. In general, I think it's playful, more about opening a present than the guillotine blade falling (of course except with "genetic anticipation" where the genetic condition becomes more severe as disorder is passed from one generation to the next as with Huntington's Disease).

There are several phrases that are specific to this type of waiting: "the anticipation was killing me," and "trembling in anticipation." I think anticipation is necessary to push your brain into the crazy-in-love stage; otherwise it goes straight into affection. Something about the uncertainty makes things extra-hot and piques our intellectual and emotional interest simultaneously. Somehow lust and anticipation go hand-in-hand. Reciprocated lust without the wait is just sex, really, isn't it? What is it about waiting to eat that makes it more delicious, waiting to get to the pool that makes the water feel better? I would imagine that SPECT brain scan would show greater pleasure spikes when folks had to "delay their gratification."

That being said, there seems to be a window, after which something kicks in and you just get pissed off; the reaction "I didn't really want it anyway" takes hold. "Screw him," you tell your phone, "he's playing with me." At what point does anticipation pass the "excitement" phase, peak, and curdle? In "date waiting," this peak happens earlier for women, in men, later since they sort of expect a wait... How much does the "I'm running late" phone call or text help delay the peak and turnaround? Making "him wait for it" works women-to-men, but not men-to-women. From a man's point of view, how long he will wait for a "piece of ass" defies sales and marketing mathematical formulas: "it depends on the ass, the fineness of the ass," someone explained to me earnestly.

The rule books on love have tried to corner that time with contradictory advice: wait one day before calling, make sure she got home OK that same night, make sure you get off the phone first, don't be too available. All this that has become further complicated by the advent of texting and emailing. At what time does "absence makes the heart grow fonder" cross over to "out of sight, out of mind"? Both history and film are full of scenarios where love that isn't meant to be grows, or at least remains consistent despite time or space. Think Cold Mountain.

Social psychology discusses anticipation, and waiting a form of political resistance; clinical psychology about the effects of waiting to get treatment on say, PTSD, and industrial psychology addresses waiting line "management" --usually with the goal of speeding up of service -- the general rule being that the more coveted the prize, the more waiting time people will spend.

Television has it down to a science in knowing how many seconds it takes to lose a viewer, and how to stagger the commercials with lengthier time closer to the end where the biggest loser/bachelorette/survivor is uncovered.

One of the "advanced concepts" my patients and I discuss in therapy is not being attached to the outcome. I think that turnaround from excited to angry occurs in dependence upon our expectations. The Bhagavad-Gita teaches us we have the power to act, but we do not have the power to influence the result; therefore we must act without the anticipation of the result, and without succumbing to inaction. If you can manage this, then you can just enjoy that excited feeling without feeling the after-burn of the unfulfilled desire.

So much about how you experience waiting depends on whether you are a "nothing easy is worth having" person, or subscribe to a more fear-based definition of anticipation, as Hitchcock said, "There is no terror in a bang, only the anticipation of it."

Comments

[dora rice]

I met him, we danced the night away. We couldn't stay away from each other.in the following weeks. I was trying to show him I was a good girl. He was wondering in anticipation if he ever would score. We were close to it, but respect played a role. I told him we shouldn't . One night we were in this predicament again. I told him it would be a sin not to love him, and I meant it. It was the best sex I ever had. I still get turned on when I think about him.

[dora rice]

I fully agree. Anticipation is the most important factor for great sex. Today we plan sex. We even take pills to plan it down to the hour. You call that going through the motion. That is why it's mostly over when it is over , and forgotten before it began.

[yogaivy]

I might be biased, but I really think that practices like yoga and meditation really help with the "not being attached to the outcome" part. Be one-mindfully in the moment and everything will unfold as it should.

[sterlingcheese]

Yeah, I definitely have that problem of being addicted to the anticipation phase of love, sex, whatever you want to call it. I don't think I'd call it "love." Love, to me, is what happens after you get what you want and realize that it really was as good as you hoped. I have yet to have that experience . . .

[rachelchanteuse]

I think another question that could be posed is: when does anticipation turn into just plain anxiety? When does it stop being fun? I think it can turn into pissed-off, but it can also turn into other negative emotions as well. I guess the key, as Dr. Vranich points out, is to not be attached to the outcome. I think that's the way to avoid any negative emotions from entering the picture.

[littlejohn1]

Yeah, I think TV, movies, and books are all examples of the phenomenon of anticipation and all demonstrate how powerfully we are drawn to that feeling. I mean -- think about it -- what would plot be without the element of anticipation? Narrative is completely driven by it. So maybe it could even be said that the entire entertainment industry runs on this phenomenon.

[photojane]

I think what turns the excited anticipation into "out of sight, out of mind" depends on the nature of the feelings. If it's just pure lust then sure -- move on to the next one. But if it's something more, I think that "pining" can last forever. That said -- there is also something to the fact that sometimes even that is just a fantasy. I once thought I wanted this one man for years . . . then we finally got together and I realized I had created this person almost entirely in my mind. I was devastated upon realizing this because I had held on so long to the idea of who I thought he was. Not only that, but my ideas about him completely prevented me from seeing the real person in front of me. I think this is the danger of this sort of "anticipation" -- it takes us out of the moment and into our own little world. We get attached to the outcome -- but it is the outcome we have created, which leaves us closed off to the possiblites of the actual situation we are presented with.

[castlerider]

Who's the couple in the pic?
They look hot. No, I don't wanna watch.. -Silly, I'm just wondering is this pic from a movie, or something? If they're actors, I don't recognize them.

[sisterdebmac]

It's Scarlett Johanson & Jonathan Rhys Meyers from Matchpoint.

[OnTheCusp]

That Rhys Meyers kid looks like sex incarnate!

[Beachrunner]

I know all about that "anticipation passing the excitement phase and curdling." I'm married.

[terramartom]

Nature designed males to roam and females to reproduce, nurture and eventually settle.
Halle Berri, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, etc... have all been dumped. Once men taste these women then personality, or lack of one is the only way for men to even think to return. Otherwise we move on to the next. Marriage and family has been artificially created by humans themselves for cultural reason from our past. There is something exciting about the "next" one, that is the thinking for males of the next beautiful animal!
Mens need are so very basic and easy to predict. Intimacy, play time, food and shelter.
Females on the other hand "need", want, nag, haggle, verbally ramble, all with the same goal- to change their male companions into some type of dream illusion they can never really be!

[arkgrfx61]

sounds like YOU'VE been dumped.

[Theda]

Not ALL women nag or "verbally ramble," Terramartom.
In MY marriage, my husband was the nag and neurotic one! It's not a gender issue, you know.

[artsandcrafts]

Ugh -- those rule books! I have to admit, I have read many of them, and it is interesting to see how each have slight differences, but yeah, they definitely all hinge on the "anticipation" factor. But I do think it is an individual phenomonon. And there does seem to be an individual threshold for it. But I think it is a hard thing to formulate, or come up with any hard-and-fast rules for. You have to just figure out what kind of person you're dealing with. Some people are really impatient and won't wait around. Others could sit and pant for months. But I think if you play a calculated game, it's always a risk that you'll misjudge. I think a combination of acting on your feelings, i.e. being true to yourself, peppered with a little bit of "the game" is the way to go.

[sherifffruitfly]

"One of the "advanced concepts" my patients and I discuss in therapy is not being attached to the outcome."

hahaha! The only cost of this is that there's nothing to care about any more.

Perhaps you mean something like "willing to accept the 'bad' outcome".

[writeforlife]

Well, I think in this sense, Dr. Vranich is referring to "attachment" in the Buddhist sense of the word, in which attachment becomes the poison that drives all negative emotions. The simplest way to put it is feeling as thought you will only be happy if you get what you want. If you can want something without attachment, then you are okay either way. Very valuable lessons to learn in therapy, I think -- possibly the most valuable of all.

[QD]

This is a silly thing to generalize about. Different people have different needs. Some of us prefer immediate gratification, others would happily wait years, and prefer the build up to the act itself.

If you are lucky you find somebody compatible. Nobody should be made to feel that they are supposed to respond in a certain way and within a set time frame. Neither my husband or I ever played hard to get and we are still madly in love after 8 years. There is no formula other than being true to yourself.

[gopackers]

Yeah, but don't you think there is something universal about something you've had to work for or wait for being all the sweeter once you finally get it? I do think that is just part of human nature, so while every siuation and circumstance can't necessarily be generalized, I think the phenomenon of anticipation itself is fairly standard.

[kalamatiaNO]

There is no doubt in my mind that anticipation -- talking about it, planning it, teasing-before-the-fact, and even absences that sometimes heighten the excitement -- all make the act more exciting, explosive and even memorable . . .

[crystalhaidl]

Andy Warhol---"Fantasy love is much better than reality love. Never doing it is very exciting¦ The most exciting attractions are between two opposites that never meet." --

Warhol addresses the cultural expectations for fantasy as its own climax, while acknowledging the potential greater intimacy of the "almost", an intrinsic "what if" without needing to know what happens after the "happily ever..". In many ways the excruciatingly exciting yin/yang intensity that you speak about in the wait, Belisa, could increase the investment through its recurrent closer and closer almosts, but no guarantees of greater long-lasting value than two who just took their chances diving right on in together.

What Warhol says about fantasy being better than reality and your valid point about "not being attached to the outcome" are each a tight rope to walk-- if we amuse our libidos only with fantasy ideals, without real possibility, as much of the entertainment media teases us into, then intimacy becomes a reality of the abstract; and if we don't attach ourselves to possible outcomes how do we attach to commitment? Our bodies ooze pheromones and endorphins with that anticipated roller coaster of sexual plateau. If not in the first glance, in the wait or the actual climax of outcome, certainly in its after-play the intersection of real-life and desires gives us continued opportunity for that greatest of fears and thresholds"the challenge, and thereby possible loss, of self union.