Female Infidels Catch Up... And Invade Your Home?

Don't look now, but there is someone, someone nearby, waiting to steal (or at least borrow) your spouse from right under your nose.

What is the good news? Or even just the new news? Turns out infidelity is an equal opportunity employer; women are turning to men who don't belong to them in record numbers according to a poll by Women's Health magazine in the November issue. That's right, ladies. If the stats are to be believed, your sisters don't consider that cutie with the ring-finger tan line so off-limits.

The study found that 46.3% of women admitted they'd been involved with a "taken" man. Of those, one in four said he was the boyfriend or husband of someone she knew; 40% stated it bothered them, but not enough to put on the brakes, and 27% said that commitment was his responsibility, not hers.

More interestingly, when asked the appeal of his "taken status," 21% acknowledged that it guaranteed the relationship wouldn't get more serious.

I'm most intrigued by the number of women who touted their lover's marriage as an assurance that the affair wouldn't become a serious relationship. While, yes, of course, women can have casual sex and enjoy it, consistent sex and its coincident Oxytocin infusions often inspire a connection that makes it hard not to want more. And what about the one in three women who reported the hotel room lunches and stairwell interludes blossomed into a relationship that lasted "a year or more"? Did these unions eventually end when he wouldn't jump from lover to husband? Or was it because he did want to?

In therapy, I've had patients present the quandary that comes after the affair settles into a relationship. When lover/ husband becomes boyfriend/divorcé... will he still cheat? Furthermore, if you've "snatched" a husband from some other woman, you know all too well how easy it is to accomplish such thievery. Who wants to be the paranoid wife, giving every woman at the company cocktail party the hairy eyeball?

The coda: 62% would rather be the mistress than the wife. Which leads to the psychological question of what the perception of "winning" is in these situations.

An interesting addendum to the survey might have been to ask, "Have you ever known your partner was cheating and let it happen?" I've had patients who profess relief in knowing their partners were unfaithful for all sorts of reasons. While most unhappy married couples tolerate each other for the "sake of the kids," cheating, even "bilateral" cheating, happens. Sometimes, like pro-athlete wives, women go into the relationship knowing that they are getting to live a certain lifestyle in exchange for giving their husbands great latitude when it comes to accepting fans' sexual accolades. Behind closed (therapy) doors, I've had wives tell me they have the better "deal" because the husband always has to come home to them, eventually. Or that they get to have the house, cars, stability and accoutrements of marriage. I've had mistresses tell me that in fact they are the happier ones since they don't have the responsibilities of marriage, and get all the free time and hot forbidden sex. The men are less polarized. They experience different degrees of guilt, denial, and regret, and sense of entitlement.

Bottom line: given the rates of domestic violence, we know that being married does not keep women safe (look at the rates of homicide of women by boyfriends or husbands), does not keep women from getting STDs (look at the rates of STDs in faithful married women), and does not guarantee happiness forever (2/3 of divorces are initiated by wives).

Back to the initial new news from the Women's Health study, that one in four women admitted their fling was with a man whose wife or girlfriend they knew.

I'd like to know if "know" means "seen her at the school picnic" or if it is someone who was (or is) your BFF. Have you seen her in the vegetable aisle or is she on your bowling team? And it does matter.

The notion that the ones in your Friendster circle are also the ones most apt to end up either borrowing or stealing your spouse makes sense from just a demographic point of view. "My best friend's girlfriend, and she used to be mine" resonates to many of us, and it's not just coincidence. Pop lost-love songs and day-time television tend to confirm that the other woman is seldom someone you've never laid your eyes on (and alas, depending on the show, it could be your mother or grandmother), but whether she's was your bridesmaid or bank teller makes a big difference to me.

Social networks of female friends keep many women alive, emotionally and even physically. It would sadden me to think that we've gotten so lustful, egocentric, and impulsive that we'd ditch our loyalty to our friends for a little nooky. Good friends are hard to find; nooky, even good nooky, isn't that difficult.

NB: In two weeks, on November 15th at the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies conference will detail their findings that the lifetime rate of infidelity for women over 60 has risen 15 percent, up from 5 percent in 1991. The researchers also see changes in relatively new marriages: 15 percent of women under 35 say they have ever been unfaithful, compared to 12 percent. These numbers encourage the discussion of whether the historical gap between men and women is real or if women have just been more likely to lie about it. Although making assumptions across research is a big no no, you have to wonder if women are more apt to lie about their infidelity given their choice of partner. Do men pick less familiar lovers? Maybe Men's Health will do a study...

Comments

[rpr]

Doh. Psychologists have known for decades that cheating is wired into our brains and that it's normal behavior to some extent. It's just that the religiously dominated US of A don't want to hear it, just like many other things. Read "Sperm Wars" by Robin Baker if you want to have your eyes pried open.

[rogercanaff]

This is an interesting piece. I think the question running undercurrent here is 'are women seeking what they want in different, more innovative, or more risky ways?' I don't believe that emotionally healthy women, in general, are wired to have casual sex nearly as easily as men can. Thus, for most women, a lasting emotional connection is what is ultimately desired. Women have an easier time now of meeting their material needs (thankfully) and can leave marriage and the financial/societal security of a man farther and farther behind. But, I don't believe women have evolved (again in general) from the natural desire for an emotional partner to give depth and meaning to physical love.

[TheGay]

Thanks for reporting on this Dr B. I just wondered if you would clarify a few things:
1) you say that the majority of affairs were with someone known by the man's partner, but the statistic backing this up seems to say that this is actually the minority of cases: "one in four women admitted their fling was with a man whose wife or girlfriend they knew." That's only 25%, meaning you were three times more likely to NOT know the mistress. Am I reading that right?
2) I take umbrage at the undertone of ownership throughout the article, implying that women are constantly in competition for men (although I don't mind reaping the benefits of that attitude), that one woman who "steals" another's man is "winning"...as if the man could ever belong to either of them.

What bothers me most is all this hand-wringing and alarmism about the other woman is directed at, well...the other woman. What about the husband? If it's harder to talk with your partner about desire outside the relationship than to fend off all the would-be mistresses, what kind of relationship do you have? I don't think my commitment to my partner is founded, first and foremost, on control of each other's genitalia. Do you? Try this: be honest with yourself and your partner about your desires and your relationship.

[Nickie19]

Dr. Belisa after reading this it makes you want to keep your friends away from your husband. Yet, I know from first hand that this is true. And why men find it so hard to say no I don't understand. I heard my father-in-law once tell one of his son's that it takes a true man to turn a woman down. I believe that the more women take on a man's role in life the more that women become like them. I think that women have always done this is just now that we are bringing attention to this. Dr. Belisa you hit the nail on the head. Always know who is around you and your family. No matter how well you think you know someone always keep an eye on what is yours. Keep the articles coming. Yes a man should not cheat but neither should a woman. There is fault in both.

[TheGay]

Nickie19. I completely disagree with the absolute nature of your statement that no one should cheat. It sure seems to happen a lot, according to numerous studies (46% stated above), and has been for a long time. There must be something about sexual variety that is irrepressible in human nature. Congrats on your self-control, but I don't appreciate the insinuation that my "affairs", open and honest between me and my partner, are morally wrong. I want to tell people like you to mind your own business, but I am also empathetic. I know you know what I said is true; people want sexual variety and it's hard to control anyone's genitals (your own or your man's...how did you put it? oh yeah, "what is yours"). You're just too afraid of anyone breaking the monogamy enforcers' rules because then all hell might break loose and your man might not be yours for a night. Just try for a while thinking about the bonds that undergird your relationship. If you don't have anything else besides sexual fidelity, what kind of relationship is that?

[gbrweav]

Dr. Belisa I'm also a fan of Dr Belisa! I think woman have always done the things that men did but it wasn't discussed as often. The more women take on "male" roles the more like them we become. I beleive you should always take care of your mate and watch closely the people around them. It makes sense that it's someone you know because they have more access to your husband. I think your article was clear and fair. Keep up the good work and women....keep an eye on your men!!!

[sklinlaw]

Great article - makes me think of those studies regarding certain female birds who will often find one mate and then wait for opportunities to mate with other males she deems more "attractive" (bigger, shinier feathers, etc.) because she wants her offsprings to have better genes but need a "lesser" male to be devoted to her and her offsprings (whether they're biologically the "sucker's" or the "cheater's") so to increase her children's chances of survival. The trade off that Dr Belisa alluded to with pro athletes' (or other celebrities') wives (or husbands, think Brittany Spear's marriage to Federline) is the human manifestation of this phenomenon, perhaps.

[gfk]

It is pretty well known that people tend to lie in sex surveys.

[photojane]

I don't think people lie in sex surveys if they are anonymous. What would be the point of that?

[topper7]

I know monogamy can be a challenge, but snagging a friend's significant other is just. So. Wrong. In an time whenf inter-networking has replaced cocktail parties, online friends replace real friends, and text messages oust face-to-face conversations, I guess I'm not surprised this is happening more and more.

[yogaivy]

I also think there is something wrong with the attitude of "well if she's just some anonymous woman, it doesn't matter that I'm contributing to her betrayal." Granted, I do think it is about 75% the man's responsibility (if he is the married one in this scenario). But I think Dr. Vranich makes a really good point: how are you going to feel if you are in her shoes? Because guess what ladies, if she leaves him, you will be the boring wife next, and he will have another sexy little plaything in a hot minute. This behavior does not change as long as it is consistently rewarded. And here's another ugly truth: he doesn't really want to be with you, so when she does leave him, you're going to be totally aware that he is only with you because you are what he is left with.

[fancyfree]

I agree that it is man's responsibility in this scenario to stand by his vows. I was actually struck by the statistic that only 27% of the women polled agreed with that. Doesn't the sanctity of commitment depend on the ability of both parties involved to resist temptation? That said, I do believe that there are all kinds of marriages--not all of which operate on the notion of "till death do us part.' And I also don't think anything is wrong with that as long as all parties know what they are getting into. In the case of the sports star's wife making compromises and thinking she has the best deal, however, I do have to wonder if she is being honest with herself. It still must be traumatic to know your man is hopping into bed with all sorts of other women. I don't think all the bank accounts in the world would make up for that type of a blow to the ego.

[fancyfree]

you sound so bitter. i don't think a blanket statement can be made regarding the motives of cheaters. I think it is entirely possible to be in one horrible relationship, cheat, and end up in a healthy one.

[littlejohn1]

What I find really weird and creepy is when the women go after each other, especially if the man orchestrates it. I knew this guy who cheated on his wife, and when he told her, he made it sound like he was the victim of this evil woman's manipulative plot. His wife actually believed him and started sort of stalking and threatening the other woman. She forgave him. This dude had the nerve to do the exact same thing again. I lost touch with him soon after that, pretty much on purpose, but I just couldn't believe it. Guys like that make me really ashamed to be a man.

[elenamaria]

Great article, Dr. Belisa--would like to know what you think about infidelity in women, specifically that women tend to lie more about their escapades. Do you agree?

[riotforchange]

I'm curious about your comment that "women tend to lie more about their escapades." Huh? I would think it's the other way around. Do you have any examples, or what are you basing this statement on?

[DrBelisa]

Some researchers think that women have been "cheating" as often as men (that there isn't really a closing of the gap as the ABCT research shows) they just haven't admitted it or gotten caught. When given anonymity the number went up: "One example is In a study published last summer in The Journal of Family Psychology where researchers from the University of Colorado and Texas A&M surveyed 4,884 married women, using face to-face interviews and anonymous computer questionnaires. In the interviews, only 1 percent of women said they had been unfaithful to their husbands in the past year; on the computer questionnaire, more than 6 percent did." From NYTimes Oct 28. What do you think may be going on?