Even as a first-time author, I realized that all sorts of people could tip the fate of my book. I just hadn't counted on Britney Spears being one of them.
Britney, I thought, was in a parallel universe. In her world was all of pop culture's vapidity, sensationalism, and wretched excess. O. J. Simpson was in Britney's sphere. So were television shows such as The Bachelor and The Bachelorette in the evenings, and the soaps in the afternoons.
I was on the other side, with my fancy Harvard PhD and my book agent with the name-droppable list of clients. I had a publicist from my publishing house, and, for good measure, another independent publicist I hired on the side. Singled Out would not just roll off the presses, it would dance in the streets.
Singled Out has attitude, and I figured that set me apart, too. Britney World was brimming with matrimaniacs, so drunk with the fantasy of marrying that they would swoop into a Vegas chapel in the middle of the night, only to realize 55 hours later that it was all a big mistake.
Not in my book. Singled Out is an utterly unapologetic take on singlehood. You think getting married makes people more giving and less self-centered? Happier? Healthier? I don't, and I don't need Britney to make my case. I have social science data on my side. Like I said, above it all.
I don't even mention Britney in my book. That would be too easy. I prefer to mock those who think they are oh-so-open to singlehood, as they peddle slogans such as "better single than sorry." Those quips are a bit too reminiscent of the evaluations of my childhood baseball abilities: "You're pretty good for a girl." I know a backhanded compliment when I hear one.
When my publication date was still six months away, I already had great news. The Today Show had booked me for November, the month when Singled Out was due to hit the bookstores. My editor cautioned me that no media booking is ever 100% certain, but this, she said, was about as close as it gets.
The New York Daily News was enthused about Singled Out, too, and planned to print an excerpt on the front page of the entertainment section, right after the mid-term elections. Then came the AARP Bulletin, with an author Q & A scheduled for the November issue. Don't think of the Modern Maturity version of AARP, think glam shots of Goldie or soulful renderings of Paul when he's 64. Better still, think circulation of 22 million.
As the clock struck midnight on the eve of my Daily News debut, I was at my computer searching for the front page of the entertainment section. I found that easily. What I could not find was my own name or the excerpt from my book. Every fifteen minutes or so, I looked again. It still had not occurred to me that the presence of the screaming headline, SPLITNEY SPEARS!, had anything to do with the absence of Singled Out.
Not to worry, said the wonderful person at St. Martin's Press who had secured the first serial rights for me. My excerpt was just delayed a day, and she would go out personally to get a stack of copies. That she did, in the pouring rain. This time the headline read, K-FED WANTS IT ALL: KIDS & BRIT'S BUCKS.
I knew then that Singled Out and the Daily News were splittsville. It was getting too close to the holidays and all the stories already slated for those times. I was only momentarily disappointed, though, since the thrill of the official publication date was just days away.
The person in charge of my book at the offices of the independent publicist, however, would not be around to enjoy the ride. She would be away from the Friday before my book launched until two Mondays afterwards. She was getting married.
In a way, the week my book was released was everything I ever wished for. There was book talk everywhere - the late night shows, the morning shows, the gossip rags, the news shows. The blogs were agog: "Did you hear how the editor landed the deal?" "Did you see how quickly the book shot up on the Amazon rankings?" "What will this author do next?" And so much controversy - how delectable!
There was just one small wrinkle - the buzz was not about my book but O. J. Simpson's If I Did It.
Still, I knew I would enjoy the feeling of the AARP Bulletin in my very own hands. I could fantasize about the millions of readers who would be smitten by the promise of Singled Out, and head straight to their local bookstores to buy it. I opened an e-mail from the reporter who had interviewed me, letting me know how many compliments she had already received on the Q & A. Oh, and one other thing - there was an overabundance of stories for November, so the Singled Out piece would appear only on the website.
One of the stories that did make it into the November print edition featured Jo Ann Wahl, who appeared on One Life to Live, and Bill Tatum, an As the World Turns alumnus. I was beginning to long for the days when I could boast of getting bumped by Britney.
Really, though, how could I complain about any of this when any day now, I'd learn the exact date of my Today appearance. Why would Katie's move to CBS or any other NBC machinations have anything to do with a morning schedule that was set months in advance? Oops.
I have to say this for the people at Today, though: They were not snubbing the topic of singles, they were just snubbing me. On the schedule this week was singleton Jen Schefft. She's the Jen who won the bachelor on The Bachelor, then returned the next season as The Bachelorette, only to take no one as her prize. The title of her book is Better Single Than Sorry. She's probably a pretty good writer, for a celebrity.