Oprah, Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry, Jessica Lange...Faces of Fear?

A reporter called me recently and reeled off a list of celebrities. Oprah, Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry, and Jessica Lange were just the first few. Others in the category included Brad Pitt, Goldie Hawn, Kurt Russell, David Letterman, John Malkovich, Tina Turner, Susan Sarandon, and Tim Robbins. You can probably think of others. They are, of course, celebrities who are coupled but not married.

Here are the questions I was asked: Are these unmarried celebrity couples afraid of commitment? Are they afraid of the failure that would darken their reputations and their souls if they were to marry and then divorce?

So here was a bouquet of celebrities, all talented, many extraordinarily altruistic, and this reporter's first thought was to tie them all together with a ribbon of fear. Her second thought was to put them on the defensive. Like the nagging relative or the smug married friend, this inquiring mind was asking of each of these unmarried couples, "So why aren't you married?" The question is the equivalent of asking married couples when they last had sex.

When I see skilled, successful, and selfless people - whether coupled or uncoupled, famous or unknown - my first inclination is to think of them in terms of their strengths. So here, on behalf of unmarried couples (personally, I'm happily single), are some unapologetic, nondefensive answers to the clunky "why aren't you married" question that should never have been asked:

• We are secure in our relationship. Our love does not need to be propped up by a legal contract.
• We don't want Rudy or Mitt or McCain or any other government official hanging out in our bedroom. Maybe they like threesomes but we don't.
• We don't want Pat Dobson or Tony Perkins or the ghost of Jerry Falwell or any other religious representatives under our covers. We may be spiritual, we may even be religious, but we are not so sure that we are going to find divine revelations coming from the mouth of Jimmy Swaggert.
• We have our principles. If people of other sexual orientations cannot marry, then we won't either. We do not want to be part of any club that would have only us as members.
• Our principles extend beyond same-sex marriage. Even if any adult could marry any other adult, many millions of single people would still be excluded from the 1,138 federal benefits and protections awarded solely to married people.
• All those Bachelor reality shows, all the television dramas that build predictably to a wedding, all the cries for ever more tax breaks for married people - all this matrimania makes us skeptical. If marriage is so great, why does it need all these cultural and government subsidies?
• We just love it way too much when people ask us why we're not married.

So now that the cloddish question for the unmarried couples has been asked and answered, let's turn to the married celebrities. It's your turn, Larry King, Jay Leno, Ted Koppel, Chris Matthews, Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and all the rest: Tell us, when did you last have sex?

Comments

[USMC1980]

What I get from this article is that we have reporters in this country who despite all the REAL stories and problems facing our country, are running around trying to figure out why Sam Shepard and Jessica Lange aren't married....who gives a shit. Leave these poor people alone. Whether or not Jessica Lange, Glodie Hawn, or Angelina Jolie get married tommorrow or never, has ZERO impact in any facet of my life. It's as bad as cable news and the mainstream media wasting valuable air time telling me what Paris Hilton or any other celerbrity is doing at any given minute. We have terrorisim at an all time high around the world, we have a giant, pointless war that is costing billions of dollars and thousands of lives a year, we have an economy that is heading for reccession, we have a healthcare system that's practically broken, a planet in enironmental crisis, and a nutjob President running the whole thing.

Those are the things people should be reporting on, not who Lindsey Lohan or Britany Spears are screwing. These reporters need to get a life and start doing some REAL journalisim for a change.

[speakyourmind]

For the life of me, I can't understand why people NEED other people to be married. It makes no financial sense to give yourself another financial liability. What exactly is your stake in needing other people to be married? Why do you care? Why does anyone care? LOOK AT AMERICA'S DIVORCE RATE, PEOPLE. Why do you all insist that everybody else jump into the same stupid boat you chose?

[LEF]

What possible reason could you want to have for asking when someone last had sex. Is that really all we as a society could be interested in? Does that make our day better? There are so many things we could focus on, things that might assist another human being,animal or the planet. Knowing when someone has sex, does this make your day better?

[sparkandy]

Committed is one thing. Married is another. Marriage is a scam by men perpetrated on women, IMO. I know that's only my opinion, but it's also my experience. I tried it once, and never will again. I even told my kids when they were growing up to "live in sin". It's safer. So as far as I'm concerned the people you mention got it right.

[avicenna]

I think the better question would be to ask married couples why they want to bring the gov't into their bedroom? Marriage is from the time women were considered chattel - or property - of the man and gave up her name and identity to merge with his. An unmarried but committed couple are two independent souls that have chosen to coexist and share life's experiences - without involving a third party to this pact.

[crownjewel82]

*shrug* I see only one necessary response. It's none of your business.

[DeeLight]

Hawn and Russell together 24 years.

Sarandon and Robbins together 19 years.

Sounds pretty committed to me!

Ain't nobody's business if couples marry or not.

Commitment is felt in one's heart and proved by one's actions.

Government­-sanctione­d pieces of paper are not worth the paper and ink as proof of commitment.

[Florida08]

The women are smart. The men are ????.