The Shriver Report Serves Up Compulsory Marriage and Mothering. That was the claim I made in my previous post. The report, I argued, seemed simply to assume that just about every woman wants to marry and have children and just about every woman does. It then puts those women at the center of its report, marginalizing - or not even recognizing the existence of - women who neither marry nor have children.
I ended Part 1 with this:
It is the year 2009. It is past time to accord single women and women who do not have children a place of recognition and respect in our society, our universities, our policies, our politics, our workplaces, our marketplaces, our media, and in reports with the title, "A Woman's Nation." We should do this not just for the women (and men) who are single and do not have children. We should do it because until staying single, or deciding not to have children, are valued options, then marriage and parenting are not options, either - they are compulsory.
In addition to a preface by John Podesta, an introduction by Maria Shriver, an executive summary, and an epilogue by Oprah Winfrey, the Shriver Report includes 13 more chapters. Scattered throughout are 20 brief essays (typically just two pages). It is in some of the essays, and a few of the chapters, that some enlightenment shines through.
Because this post is longer than usual, I'll begin with an outline of what is to come:
I. Oops, We Never Even Thought to Include You! Actually, We Didn't Even Realize You Exist!
A. The Survey Questions
B. The Writings
III. What We Miss When We Maroon Women on a Nuclear Family Island
A. A Marooned Mentality Misses Out on Friends and on Three Degrees of Connection
B. A Marooned Mentality Misses Out on Work that Is Passionate
V. Saving the Best for Last
VI. Final Word
Don't stop reading before you get to the section, "Ring the doorbell and run away." There are some amazing survey findings described there. Click here to keep reading this post, and here to read the one that preceded it.
Most of those now living in "A Woman's Nation" (married with children) will someday be living as single women with no children at home. Will they then be exiled? Yep - by being ignored.
I remember being lectured by someone about needing to have kids, and how it would bring us a connection as a couple we could never understand without them. My husband looked her straight in the eye and asked "and how long have you been divorced from your son's father?" She broke into tears and said "since he was two" he was 16 at the time, but she never bothered us about children again!
Never say never:)
And since you once had a friend who had a kid...you must know better than she what her goals and dreams are. Thank goodness there is someone like you to help us silly, little females understand what we really want out of life!
Granted, I totally agree that having children is more work and dedication and it's not easy keeping a household and marriage together. I do give credit to women who do this well. It's a challenge that I do not have.
Having said that, though, I would never devalue a woman because she does not have these things. What matters to me is your kindness, your interest in others, what you passions are and your overall character.
Married people can become quite insular sometimes. Single people can be quite developed in ways married are not. I know for a fact that single people volunteer more. I also think they are more open/accepting of others because they are single and understand.
Also, there are quite of few mothers who are just not "nice" at all...or have really negative personality traits. How does that make them better than the non mother who is kinder and more accepting?
Every time I have insisted on opportunities I have earned -- to pursue graduate education, to work in the field I trained in -- I was (literally) confronted with "But Don't You Want To Have Children Soon?" followed by a description of all the ills in society caused by "Working Mothers."
"Don't You Want A Family???" is an easier one to answer. I already have a family. My mother raised 5 children on her own, my grandmother 10 -- also on her own. She worked as a nurse, when it was a grossly underpaid profession. She dyed her hair (they typically didn't keep on women over 40 or 50 in those days, so she had to lie about her age) and worked two jobs.
Look at the divorce statistics: at 50%, having kids means you have a 50-50 chance of raising them alone. Calculate how much it costs, in lost wages, reduced wages (because mothers ARE paid a lot less than men, and a whole lot less than fathers), and a college education. Are you willing to take on a 20-year multi-million dollar project with no idea where the money is coming from? Suuuure you are. Stupid.
No wonder Hollywood and the MSM have had a full-blown propaganda campaign pushing unrealistic romantic notions on us for the last 50-60 years. Women would simply refuse to have children if they had any idea of what it actually entails.