Susan Boyle: Lessons We Still Haven't Learned

Count me among the multitudes of the charmed. I, too, loved the story of the woman who walked on stage to the sound of snickering, only to shock and wow them all with the sound of her music. I heart Susan Boyle.

I've also been intrigued by the rising tide of voices proclaiming that, thanks to Susan Boyle, we have learned our lesson: We prejudged her before we heard her sing. We should have known better, and now we do.

Or do we?

I think there are several lessons that have gone unlearned. Here are three of them.

We're still judging Susan Boyle's life by our values, not hers

Consider this opening paragraph in a story by an Associated Press writer:

"Susan Boyle lives alone in a row house with her cat Pebbles, a drab existence in one of Scotland's poorest regions. She cared for her widowed mother for years, never married and sang in church and at karaoke nights at the pub."

I don't doubt that the AP writer would find that existence drab. But I don't think he's asked Susan Boyle how she views her own life. Maybe she does agree that it is drab. Or maybe she loves her life, with its space both for solitude at home and sociability at the pub. Maybe she sees her own region not as impoverished but as rich in spirit, culture, and community. Maybe her religion is important to her, and singing in church is, in her experience, not the least bit drab. Maybe she feels fortunate to have been able to be there for her mother at a time of such need. Maybe she does not feel at all sorry for herself because she is single.

Let's let Susan Boyle tell her own story. Maybe she will tell it in a song.

Read about the other two lessons here, at the "Living Single" blog at Psychology Today.

Comments

[joyspeaking]

All the fuss over Susan Boyle's life, her looks, her personal experiences such as she lives alone (with her cat), cared for her mother until the mother died, she lives in a row house in a low income community, etc etc. The number one feature analyzed is her looks. First let me point out that she was in a talent contest, not a beauty contest...and our idea of beauty has come to us by merchants who have gone to great lengths to groom us to see beauty one way; and that way will only come by use of their products. Susan has not been groomed. OMG what was she thinking??? Well; to tell you the truth, she is aware of how shallow people are and knew when she walked on that stage what she had to overcome and she did. She knew she was going to rock the audience (as she stated beforehand behind stage) and that's what she did. I love her! I can't hear her voice enough! And if she never has a make over I will still love her as most of the millions of youtube viewers will.

[frisbeeredcat]

I'm 51, divorced for about 10 years (2nd marriage) and have a wonderful cat, Jeffery. I'm happier now than I was being married, just paid off my house and I'm debt free as well! When you think about it, half the married people get divorced and I'd bet there are a good percentage of the other half that are unhappy and stay married because of children, money or just plain scared to be alone. I had a very special marriage, my first, but he passed away. Who's to say what is drab for one is not for another. Why is it acceptable for middle-aged men to be bachelors and middle-aged women thought to be miserable without a man? Give me a break, this is the time of your life that you might as well enjoy. So what if things are a little creaky, crackly, saggy or slower, at least by now we know what we like!

[janex]

i find Susan Boyle to be a total inspiration.

I am about 18 months older than she, and to see someone pretty close to my age fulfilling her dreams makes me think "I can fulfill my dreams."

Unlike Susan, I've been, kissed, married almost as many times, and have three children. Like Susan, I have a cat, and, at the middle of my life, am finding that there are things I wish I had gotten done or at least tried when I was younger.

Even for those of us who have had undrab lives by the standards of AP reporters, when you get to the middle of your life, you invariably find that there are things you didn't get done that you thought or hoped you would, and I think that is part of what makes Ms. Boyle's story SO compelling.

[Aline Binette]

We live in an era where appearances are everything and substance is nothing.

Case in point.

[oregonbird]

Susan Boyle looks like my grandmother, right down to the tea gown -- minus the apron Gran always wore. I thought Gran was beautiful; she teased and twittered (long before that meant anything else) and giggled about flirting in church (where she spent hours every day) and had a blast all her life, accompanied by the loudest, most brash swing music ever recorded.

Susan Boyle isn't ugly, and no amount of commentary about how 'surprising' it is that an ugly woman can have talent will change that basic fact. She's ordinary, as in "one of the 90% of people who don't fit broadcast standards." She isn't plucked, dieted or cosmetically enhanced -- yet. When she does show up looking more 'acceptable' to viewing standards, she'll be ridiculed. And won't give a damn about that either, since she depends on her own ego for validation.

Someone give her a microphone, a lot of money and a cab home. She isn't going to change your mind about what is attractive.

[Epiphany2b]

What strikes me as interesting is that we accept Susan for who she is, don't want her to change (well, perhaps a little) and vow she has made us more accepting of people, less likely to misjudge people, etc.

Then in the blink of an eye, make snide remarks about a person's choice of clothing, that it is inappropriate, not as stylish as it ought to be, etc.

Is it that if someone is educated, in the public eye, in a leadership role, that we feel perfectly free to pass judgment? Perhaps we want to be kind and delicate and not hurt Susan's feeling by commenting on her appearance, but "beautiful" people are fair game? (For the record, I think Susan's appearance is fine!!)

[Lara Scott]

I think Susan Boyle is very cute. Her hair may be locally done, but it's flattering to her face. Her style may not suit NYC, but it seemed to be well chosen for her body, and again, flattering to her. I hope we'll develop the eyes to see a wider range of physical beauty. We're so limited in our beauty vocabulary these days, our standards so stunted and narrow.

[AmbivalentGuy]

Good point.
I doubt she sees her life as drab.
I imagine that she is quite active and known in her community,
probably not eccentric by any objective standards.
The people who hear her sing in church are probably the same people who
go to karaoke night with her, and I'll bet they've been planning their
evenings on whether or not she'll be singing for years.

I bet she has a rich, full life, many friends and no desire to
live anywhere "hipper".

[Bardmess]

I'm glad a mean mob got nicer for a moment, but it's too bad there are so many people who like to get together to "snicker" at someone so they can feel superior. It's disgusting behavior and the program that capitalizes on it is too.

[davidly]

I finally bit and watched this link. I appreciate the sentiment here. There is another lesson:
Music can be an art form and more than the dog and pony show that was the program in question. While it is nice that folks get a chance to share something truly beautiful of themselves, it is still cheapened by even the "positive" reaction to Ms. Boyle's performance. The fact that they were cheering at the first phrase is an indication that they are one: all-too willing to buy into the "we learned a lesson" model of television fantasy at the expense of actually respecting others based upon actual human compassion, and two: They do not know how to listen.

[Fremon]

I saw Ms. Boyle's performance a few times and tried to make some sense as to why it brought a tear to this 71 year old man. First, I think, this phenomenom about her is a reflection of of life. We have all faced uncertainties and disappointments in sometimes feeling that we were not appreciated for what we deem as our true selves. Perhaps, in being turned down for a date; not getting the job we were qualified for; perhaps not getting a job promotion as see it go to another we saw as less qualified; perhaps not being heard by our children; perhaps just not being paid attention to. I know there are many more examples but these what came to mind. Ms. Boyle represents the "Rocky" in all of us or perhaps for those who read "Hero with a Thousand Faces". It is what we see in Susan as the "overcoming" of life's destiny. We all have felt this about Susan and rooted for her. We will all have to face life without her memory soon and perhaps another Susan will raise our human emotions in the future. Until that time we will probably become cynical again and be faced with the mediocrities of life. To me she was "our breif and shining moment" when as a world we got to root for a person who was just like us. God bless Susan. Thank you for uncovering my personal emotion that wishes I could give you a hug.

[robin50]

I guess by current standards I'm a failure. I'm divorced and have been since 1981. I live by myself and have forever. Worse yet I have three cats, all rescue cats. They are Max, Zoey, and Zippy I'm even over 50, I'm 51. But I still consider myself a viable, interesting and attractive woman. Of course I do realise I'm not a twenty something trophy wife material that men my age seem to seek. Then again, hummmm how much do these men know about what is going on on VH1 so they have something to talk about with the trophy wife. And then they wonder why they have lost another house?

I like the stability in my life. I like it that it is spring finally and my hosta garden is looking great. I like owning my land and house. I like that it is "paid for". I like it, in this economy I have no debt what so ever. I like it that I feel very happy with my life. I date, I have friends and solvent enough I can do about anything I want.

[Fremon]

You are lovely and I pray that the right person will come to you. Keep the faith and don't accept less than what you deserve. Bless you.

[jobecky20]

The right person did come...it is her (robin50).

[MadHeart]

Both you and Susan seem very, very centered in your lives. I've been divorced for 47 yrs (w/2 kids) and never remarried but got used to it. Much of our frustration is about what others think, not what we find is real and worthy for ourselves; that's what brings sadness and grief.

[jobecky20]

Wow! You are definitely in a good place...A lot of women actually envy someone like you! I too had been single until 37 years of age. At age 44, I now live with my boyfriend and our 6-year-old son but I have to confess....I often long for those solitary days as a very contented single woman. I am glad to hear you are so happy when so many women in your situation might not recognize their own blessings.