I just want to put this out there before I get started. Jennifer, I am in no way a stalker or pervert. While I enjoy the occasional Friends re-run and think you're a relatively pleasant screen actress, I do not possess a single Jennifer Aniston poster, cardboard standout, or shrine/sniffing closet. Frankly, if it were to come down to seeing one of your movies versus not, I would probably choose the latter. That all being said, I would date you. Hard.
In the past, you have dated some extremely handsome and cool people. The likes of Brad Pitt, Vince Vaughn, Paul Sculfor, John Mayer, and Justin Theroux come to mind. I cannot pretend to physically or socially live up to any of those men (though people have said I resemble Zachary Quinto and/or Eli Roth), but where I might lack in those departments, I excel in being "nice." For instance, after a long day of being an incredibly super hot celebrity, I would cook you a nice dinner (do you like eggplant parmesan?), ask you how your day was (I'm assuming awesome), and totes be down to watch any of your critically panned movies (even The Bounty Hunter). Did any of those above mentioned guys ever do that for you? Doubt it.
But like any hypothetical and completely irrational celebrity/normal person coupling, there would be some hurdles. For starters, you live in Los Angeles, and I reside in New York. Someone would have to move, and seeing as you can be Men's Health magazine's "Sexiest Woman of All Time" anywhere in the world -- whereas my current job is in New York -- I'm sort of thinking you'd have to move here. Also, while I dig your mix of Greek, Scottish, Italian, and Irish ancestry, I plan on raising my kids Jewish. Wikipedia didn't mention how religious you are, but we would have to broach the subject of you converting to Judaism (or at the very least learning enough Hebrew to help our prospective children with memorizing their Haftorah portion). Lastly, I am currently in a long-term, and very stable relationship with my girlfriend. I wouldn't suggest a "fight to the death" over me, but maybe some sort of wet-tee wrestling match. This can be decided later.
In conclusion, I think it's pretty obvious we will never be together. Perhaps it's for the best. Judging by the slew of sexy dudes whose loins you've frequented over the years, it's possible you will never look to date/marry a genuinely "nice" person like myself. But in the event you decide to make the change, I will be here, waiting to love you like you've never been loved (assuming you move to New York, become a Jew, and maybe mud wrestle my wonderful girlfriend out of the picture).
For more ramblings of this nature, check out Blah Blah Berkon, or just follow me on Twitter at @BenBerkon.
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