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Ben Berkon

Ben Berkon

Posted: September 24, 2009 02:25 PM

Recent Gmail "Crash" Forces Spammers to Awkwardly Approach Potential Customers in Person

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In technology news, after the popular email provider Gmail "crashed" recently, it forced thousands of various spammers to awkwardly approach potential customers in person. Before the "crash," spammers merely hid behind the anonymity of their scantily-reflective email addresses, but since Google was unsure of when Gmail would be "up" again, spammers took to the streets to individually ask people if they were interested in "enlarging [their] penis by at least 3 inches" and many other private and probably ineffective pitches.

"This is how I make a living," said an anonymous spammer. "I email millions of people a day to see if they want to buy a pill that will completely reverse their baldness. But I don't have people skills, I can't just go up to someone and ask them, one-on-one. Google has got to get their act together soon."

"If this is a trend [with Google], I don't know how I'm going to convince people that 'gorgeous sluts are waiting to meet you,'" said another anonymous spammer. "Do you know how embarrassing it is for me to stop someone's car, and ask some guy in front of his family if he wants to meet a 'slut' willing to do 'sexual things to him that his inattentive wife' would never do in a million years? It's just not humanly right, Google!"

While Google has initially fixed the bug that Gmail was inflicted with, Google was unsure if similar problems in the future would occur. When asked if Google felt future "crashes" would be financially costly in terms of "losing spammers to other email services," a Google executive replied, "Initially, yes, but we feel that if we help enough Nigerian Princes open bank accounts for their millions of dollars in our name, we should be financially stable for quite awhile."

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