08/31/2009 11:39 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Recently Dead Politician Has Never Been So Popular

In political news, the recently assassinated Congressman Russelman from Bigfork, MT, has never been so highly thought of until his very recent death. For the past few years, Congressman Russelman has been struggling to shake off labels such as "booze-hound," "money swindler," "crack dealer," and even "kiddy-porn enthusiast," yet his recent death has apparently pardoned him of all those terrible, and factually accurate labels.

"He was a great man," said a former, avid Russelman protester. "Over the years, I've made it my sole duty to get him out of office, but there's just something about his death that immortalizes him, and makes me forget about how he used all of our tax money to bet on the Washington Nationals winning the World Series and how he claimed that "arson" was the only way to fix the state's debt problem. For whatever reason, I cannot help but put aside the fact that he once publicly stated that 'I don't care for black people' and that 'slavery sounds pretty awesome.' I just hope they convict that a**hole who killed him - even though I once plotted to assassinate him myself."

Congressman Russelman leaves a legacy that political historians have claimed is "impossible to duplicate, and one that really should never be attempted." He was the first congressman to actively convert schools, hospitals, and churches into gas stations, liquor stores, and topless bars, and tried to get the legal age of drinking lowered to 11. He even attempted to get state funding to build a stadium just for 3-Card Monte and Dice.

"I thought for sure I would be a hero," said the gunman and former Priest. "Russelman's own children publicly despised him. My congregation even had bake sales to fund the sniper rifle I used to take him out. It's just something about dead politicians that people inherently take to. It doesn't matter what they did when they were living - good or bad - people just tend to forget all about the terrible things a politician did once he or she is dead. It's really horribly ironic."

The funeral for the Congressman, who once had a record low 1.5% approval rating and hired actual prostitutes as his secretaries, will be held sometime next week. A large audience of crying, and universally uninformed people are expected to be in attendance.

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