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Kacie B, Please Stop Coming Back to The Bachelor: An Open Letter

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Dear Kacie B,

Yes, I know you dropped the "B" because there were no other girls named Kacie, or Casey, or Kasey, or even K-Sea on this season of The Bachelor. But you'll always be Kacie B to me -- the sweet gal from Tennessee who stepped out of the the limo, talked in a funny accent, and did her damnedest to win Bachelor Ben's wine-soaked heart despite the overwhelming scourge of The Model Named Courtney.

Yet suddenly I'm worried you're not that girl anymore. On Monday night's third episode of Sean's season, you sure seemed like somebody else. However foolishly, you came back for another go at finding manufactured love, as the experienced veteran with all the moves, the one who'd seen it all before. Yet you were the one who made the most consistently damning tactical blunder of them all -- being all "oooooh, this girl you think is nice because she has impressive boobs is actually being really mean while you're busy making out with other girls/lifting very large weights." Every single time, the snitch is viewed as just that, and hence, the one who's actually "there for the wrong reasons." And then she gets sent home and cries a lot.

And what not-wrong reasons were YOU here for, anyway? Following a very firm rejection by Ben "I Don't Believe In Body-Enhancing Shampoo" Flajnik, you returned to warn him that Courtney was evil, or hadn't really caught that fish in the stream on her own, or something. He of course didn't buy it, and got fake-engaged to Courtney. You looked insane, and you left. You should've stayed left. But you met Sean at one of the wonderfully incestuous Bachelor/ette cast parties, and thought, "Hey, this guy is really nice, and I'm really nice, and I've lost the ability to process romantic love outside the context of a two-hour television program that will likely put me in a helicopter at some point." You just HAD to come back, and then looked insane some more, and not even in the fun way.

The Show can do horrible things to people, but usually only to their hearts, and usually only for a few days, probably. I don't actually know, I've never fallen in love with anyone on a TV show, unless watching Mallory on Family Ties when I was nine counts. But Kacie B, if that's even your name anymore, you absolutely can't let it do something to your head. Once you're back in the real world, no longer sequestered in a booooring mansion with nothing else to fill your days except the hollow, aching promise of finding love, you're supposed to snap back to it, and realize you were but a marionette in ABC's version of The Lonely Goatherd with a lot more David Gray on the soundtrack. And then you're supposed to forget about The Show, except on Monday nights when you tweet at the 12,037 followers you gained because of it, and they all favorite said tweets even though they're not clever, and you feel like Demi Lovato.

That's why I'm writing this letter. If you want to get back to being Kacie B, you need to stop this. Stop making a reality dating show that you're supposed to be on for eight weeks the only thing in your entire life. Stop assuming that the only way you can find a man is through a process that's wildly entertaining for the audience and wildly ineffective at building anything resembling a lasting relationship. Stop, collaborate, and listen. I'm not even sure who you're collaborating with, and on what, but that's just good clean advice. But most of all, stop coming back.

Please stay away, Kacie B. You're not supposed to be here anymore. The K-Cs of the world will take it from here.

-- Ben

And for full recaps every week of the Bachelor, Bachelorette, and Bachelor Pad, check out BatchSlap.com