THE BLOG
10/11/2013 10:31 am ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

If Other Things Shut Down

The government shutdown has been rough on the hundreds of thousands of furloughed federal employees and laid-off contractors. But just think how much worse it could be if other things shut down.

If Facebook shut down, then fourth quarter GDP in the U.S. would probably grow by 39 percent.

If Google shut down, then I can't think of a scenario in which the world wouldn't end. Ditto for porn.

If Lindsay Lohan shut down, then courts, TMZ, Us Weekly, nightclubs, hair color companies, car and theft insurance companies, and the Promises, Wonderland and Cirque Lodge rehab facilities would all shut down.

If the NFL shut down, then God may not exist.

If coffee shut down, then Starbucks would only serve venti iced skinny hazelnut rum, sugar-free syrup, extra shot, light ice, no whip. God probably exists.

If The Cheesecake Factory shut down, then enough trees would be spared on their oversized menus alone to return atmospheric carbon dioxide to pre-1990 levels. Then Al Gore would make out with Sarah Palin, Tipper Gore would make out with Levi Johnston, and Timothy Treadwell, aka Grizzly Man, would return to life 10 years after being eaten by bears to become president of the new independent country, Alaska.

If Candy Crush Saga shut down, then all women between 17-98 years-old would confiscate the world's supply of ED pills and burn them at the Roman Colosseum in front of Mark Wahlberg and Quentin Tarantino, who would be chained together by pieces of destroyed televisions, Grand Theft Auto V discs, Bud Light and PBR cans, fantasy football trophies, golf clubs, golf balls, golf tees and cargo shorts.

If the National Institutes of Health Clinical Center shut down then mothers of cancer kids would demand that the congressmen who supported the shutdown ensure the kids still get access life-saving chemotherapy drugs and clinical trials. The mothers would threaten congressmen with injections of randomly combined chemo cocktails which could lead to long-term effects like ED.

Drug company reps would arm the cancer kids' mothers with ample supply of chemo, for fear of getting ED themselves. ITT Tech would recruit new nursing students to replace the furloughed nurses, and drug companies would pay their tuition plus an undisclosed bonus to ITT Tech for the amazing 100 percent graduation rate after just four days of education.

If Costco shut down, then nobody would buy 36-count toilet paper, leaving an entire shelf of the linen closet bare. Americans would fill the void in different ways, but cancer kids' mothers would mostly stack bottles of opiates and barbiturates, and those stricken with their wrath would stack bottles of ED pills.

If the Federal Occupational Health facility where I receive my allergy shots shut down, then I would have to build back up to my maintenance dose once the government shutdown ends. Wait, this actually happened. Some people really have it rough.

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