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Beth Armogida Headshot

A Letter To That Nutty Birther Lady

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Dear Nutty Birther Lady,

I saw the video clip of your passionate speech to Representative Mike Castle on YouTube right after I watched a cat do the Riverdance. What a great moment it was when you questioned President Obama's citizenship and held up your own birth certificate with the names of your mother and father, whom I'm guessing are also your aunt and uncle. As a woman, I was moved by your courage to reveal a document displaying your real age.

Since the media has been giving you platforms for your insanity, why stop at Obama? How do we know President Ronald Reagan wasn't born in Canada? Have we seen his actual birth records? Isn't that just as much of a concern? I mean, if you drink enough cheap beer, Canada sounds like Kenya. Let's keep going and play the speed round of the Conspiracy Game. Shall we? During Reagan's later years, he did say, "Eh," a lot. Fact. Reagan rode horses like the Canadian Mounties. Fact. Reagan was the "Teflon president," Teflon was marketed by Dupont, Dupont is a French name, there are French Canadians - Bingo! We have a winner! So, why aren't your fellow "birthers" on this? It's prime, Grade-A, paranoid, American BS.

At the end of your passionate oration, you yelled, "We want our country back!" I can see the T-shirts and bumper stickers now. Joe the Plumber will tattoo the catchphrase on his forehead - backwards, but the sentiment still counts. And the TV ads are just around the corner. "Country Back - It's Ram Tough," or "I want my Country Back, Country Back, Country Back; I want my Country Back, Country Back, Country Back..."

In an unfinished letter to his son just months before he died, Albert Einstein shared his thoughts about America, writing, "God's own country becomes stranger and stranger, but somehow they manage to return to normality. Everything - even lunacy - is mass produced here. But everything goes out of fashion very quickly." Therefore, oh, dear Nutty Birther Lady, as much fun as you have been, it's now time for you and your little movement to go out of fashion. But please know there's nothing to fear. You said we want our country back? I'm happy to report that we got it back on November 4th, 2008.

p.s. That cat can really Riverdance.