Rush Limbaugh's Big Fat Republican Health Care Plan

11/15/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Some people see Rush Limbaugh as a successful entertainer, some see him as a conservative prophet and some see him as the mighty king of all douchebags. No matter what you think of Limbaugh, it's fair to give him credit for his staying power. Like herpes, he never goes away and tends to surface at the worst times. Recently, Limbaugh has spoken out against the current health care reform bill. And he's joined by Republican lawmakers, conservative mouthpieces and wannabe douchebag king Glenn Beck, all failing to produce an alternative plan to solve our country's health care crisis. With a big pile of nothing from them, it only leaves us to wonder what Rush Limbaugh's Republican health care plan could include:

• Irritable bowel syndrome will become the number one medical priority.

• Homosexuality will be classified as a mental illness, unless of course you're a male, Christian politician.

• OxyContin will be free, untraceable and in donut form.

• Anyone who shouts "You lie!" during a Presidential speech will be given a free CAT scan.

• Carpal tunnel syndrome will be covered only if it's a result of masturbating too much while listening to radio airchecks of yourself.

• All illegal aliens will be covered... with dirt.

• No funds will be used for abortions except in the cases of lonely, divorcee radio groupies who spread their legs for a box of wine.

• Any form of socialism will be identified and treated as a rash.

• If you divorce your spouse while they are recovering from cancer, you are not responsible for the co-pay. (Special thanks to Newt Gingrich for authoring this section.)

• Corporate insurance companies' profits will be limited. Just kidding.

• There will be no death panels, but grandma might be sent off to Gitmo.

• Viagra will be officially classified as a candy.

• Brain injuries, Tourette syndrome and halitosis will all fall under a medical condition called Ann-Coulter-itis.

• Anesthesia for surgeries will be available once you commit yourself to God.

• The official food pyramid will only contain pork.

These are just some examples of what could be in a Rush Limbaugh health care plan. Naturally, the Limbaugh plan would exclude gays, lesbians, feminists, African-Americans, Asian-Americans, French Canadians, Mexicans, Muslims, non-Christians, anyone who meditates or does yoga, animal lovers, maids who yap to the police about procuring illegal drugs for their employers , Hollywood, San Francisco, Lexus owners, men in turtlenecks and big tippers.