The story is all over the news. Steven Slater, a flight attendant who worked for twenty years dealing with the possibility of terrorists, a plane crash or, God help him, bad-mannered passengers, lost his temper after a female passenger ignored his instructions, prematurely retrieved her suitcase from the overhead compartment and hit him in the head with her bag. After refusing to apologize, the passenger, vying for the title of Miss Asshole of the Year, cursed out the flight attendant, calling him a mofo. Steven cursed a response over the PA, said a fond adieu, grabbed a couple of brewskies and slid down an inflatable slide in the greatest exit since Cher's first farewell tour. At that moment, Steven the flight attendant became our hero.
Taking the JetBlue flight attendant's lead, we, too, can stand up to the assholes of the world like he did. When someone gets on your nerves, ask yourself, "What would Steven do?" Here are a few examples of how you can handle everyday situations just like our hero flight attendant:
SCENARIO #1
AT&T Customer Service Rep: "How can I help you?"
You: "I'm already a customer of AT&T. May I get the new, lower rate?"
AT&T Rep: "You'll have to sign a new two-year contract to receive that price."
You: "Gosh, that doesn't sound fair."
AT&T Rep: "There's no need to get nasty."
You: "Ah, I wasn't nasty..."
AT&T Rep: (RAISED VOICE) "Excuse me, if you continue with your attitude, I'll just have to terminate this call!"
You: "When did I... Can I talk to a supervisor, please?"
AT&T Rep: "A supervisor is going to tell you the same thing."
You: "Well, I'd prefer to talk to a supervi..."
AT&T Rep: (INTERRUPTING, LOUDLY) "Excuse me, excuse me, you're getting nasty again! I'm now going to end this call!"
You: "Before you hang up on me, can I say one thing?"
AT&T Rep: (SNAPPISH) "Go ahead."
You: "F--k you! I've been putting up with lousy AT&T customer service for three years, and I've had it!"
GRAB A BEER AND SHOVE YOUR iPHONE INTO THE DISPOSAL.
SCENARIO #2
A PERSON SITS IN A THEATER SEAT BEHIND YOU AND TALKS TO HER FRIEND DURING A MOVIE. YOU MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH OTHERS IN THE THEATER WHO ARE ALSO BOTHERED BY THE TALKING.
You: "Shhhh."
Theater Talker: "Someone just shushed me. Can you believe it? They shushed me."
You: (WHISPERING) "It's just that we're all trying to watch the movie."
Theater Talker: "Oh, I see. It's okay for you to go, 'Shhhh,' but I can't talk."
THE TALKER CONTINUES, AND YOU NOW TRY TO IGNORE HER.
Theater Talker: "I've seen this movie twice, and I still don't get it. They call this "Inception", but they shoulda called it 'What the Hell is Happening?'"
SILENCE FROM THE OTHER THEATERGOERS.
Theater Talker: "This is the part where his wife kills herself."
You: (YELLING) "F--k you! I've paid my money to see DiCaprio in a thriller, not listen to you yammer! And f--k everyone else in here who didn't back me up, you bunch of pussies! I've had it!"
GRAB A BEER, SHUFFLE DOWN THE AISLE TOWARD THE EXIT AND THROW YOUR JUNIOR MINTS AT THE TALKER'S HEAD.
SCENARIO #3
You: "Do you have this shirt in anything larger than a size extra small?"
16-Year-Old Worker at the Gap: "Huh?"
You: "F--k you! And f--k your stupid winter knit cap in the middle of summer. I've had it!"
GRAB A BEER, KNOCK OVER A 12-YEAR-OLD WITH MORE CASH THAN YOU AND HEAD FOR THE CINNABON KIOSK.
It's easy to see how we could all learn valuable life lessons from that brave JetBlue Flight attendant. So, let's hope that they free our new role model and pardon him for his faux pas. Then, maybe he'll be allowed to continue serving and safeguarding us polite passengers. And then, maybe he'll bring me a cocktail earlier than ten minutes before landing.