Another celebrity has been discovered engaged in unsavory sexual behavior. This time it's U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner. In recent memory, it's been Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods, John Edwards and more. Not long ago, it was a president nearly impeached. The question should not be: Why do they do it? They question should be: Why do we engage in sexual behaviors that are painful, unsatisfying, risky or humiliating, and how can we help ourselves and others achieve the well-being and wholeness that will render such behaviors obsolete?
First, let's be honest. Many act stunned that famous men take such perilous actions. Having worked hard all their lives to achieve a certain level of skill or stature, why would prominent men be compelled to risk it all with behaviors almost certain to be revealed, behaviors that we condemn? While that's an interesting question, isn't it more significant that so many are condemning celebrities for behaving in ways considered more acceptable when practiced by ordinary folk? Take any group of people, for example, and ask them privately: Have you had an affair? Have you lied to your spouse? Have you ever had an "illegitimate" child? Have you engaged in online sexual activity or phone sex? Have you hired prostitutes or strippers privately or in business environments? Have you used pornography or peep shows? Have you ever masturbated in risky situations?
As a counselor for 30 years, I am very familiar with the sexual behaviors of men and women, and more often than we like to admit, the behavior we engage in is considered "unsavory." Many married men are having sex with women who aren't their wives, and many women are having sex with these men, most often with their full knowledge of the man's marital status. Married women do the same. Someone is buying all those sex magazines and videos, and someone is posing for them. Someone is using the online sex sites. Someone is consuming child pornography. Someone is faking orgasm (or grinning and bearing it, hoping that it will soon be over).
Who are the people doing these behaviors? It's us. So why are we so shocked to discover our "leaders" doing the same thing?
How little loved and fulfilled we must feel. How confused we must be by sex drives that seem to have their own energy. How out-of-control we must feel when our drives and pain trump our common sense. How much guilt we must suffer because we know what we are doing will hurt ourselves and others. Why do we engage in these practices?
Because we are empty inside and are trying to fill ourselves up.
Whether we are consuming sugar, drugs, power, people, things or sex, we are addicted to the "fix," and what we are attempting to fix is ourselves and our lack of wholeness. Infidelity is often a fix for the pain of un-fulfilling relationships; the use of pornography and prostitution, for feeling unwanted; the abuse of children, for feeling powerless and unable to function successfully in a relationship of equality. Masturbation or unconscious sex within relationships is often a fix for feelings of anxiety and emptiness.
Let us stop condemning others and let us start understanding -- not just others, but ourselves. What do we need in order to free ourselves from addictive sexual behaviors? How can we develop the wholeness and well-being that allow us to be in relationships of love and connection, or to live in peace with ourselves if we have no partners? How do we change our relationship to sex itself?
Here's a way: By experiencing ourselves as two whole beings having a sacred union with one another; experiencing ourselves as one whole being having a sacred union with ourselves. Many of us have settled for less, but we don't need to. We can:
• Connect our sexuality with our spirituality
• Dedicate ourselves to being honest and open in our relationships, so that we can experience true intimacy and trust.
Sexuality binds on the physical plane what is already bound on the spiritual plane. So these planes must be integrated in order for us to have healthy, satisfying and blissful sexual experiences with ourselves or one another. In our intimate relationships, we crave oneness, and integrating our sexuality and spirituality allows us to achieve that.
In addition, we need trust. The key to deeply fulfilling sexual relating is relaxation, and for this to be present, our relationship to ourselves and our partners must be fully intimate, honest and open. Each of us must know that our most tender feelings will be respected, that we are not being used, and that we don't need to be hurt to please.
When I was a young woman, I engaged in promiscuous behavior. I got drunk and looked for love in the all the wrong places. Because of this experience, I know the pain and desperation that underlies what we judge as "unsavory" sexual behaviors.
But suppose we could, in fact, have love? Suppose we were in relationships in which we felt intimate and safe? Suppose we could love ourselves when we were unpartnered? Suppose we could overcome the feelings of desperation, loneliness and rejection that often accompany being alone? Suppose we were willing to leave relationships that weren't working, instead of hanging in there for comfort or security, while "stepping out" for excitement, affection or satisfaction? Suppose we were willing to become fully vulnerable, accountable and willing to heal our psychological wounds, in order to be available for relating? Suppose we were, therefore, capable of co-creating partnerships supporting deeper levels of closeness? Suppose our partners were available, too, for this kind of relating? Would we be skulking around the Internet, looked for illusions? Would we roughly touch ourselves in the dark in an effort to relieve ourselves from the aching pain of aloneness? Would we be drinking, or smoking marijuana or using drugs to "make love?"
When I see people like John Edwards, my heart cries for both him and his deceased wife. What was the pain in him that drove him to infidelity? What was the pain inside my former husband, who did the same to me? Why are we so judgmental? Why, instead, are we not compassionate?
If we are to end the behaviors that we condemn, we need to be honest about ourselves and support one another to heal. Otherwise, we just judge ourselves and one another, and nothing changes.
Let's get beyond shame and hidden pathology. Let's have compassion and start looking for solutions to the distortion of our sexuality. Let's get the help we need to heal, and let's get beyond the separation of sex and spirituality. We all need to experience the sacredness of every aspect of our lives. We all need to free ourselves to love. And we all need to support one another when we stray from that goal.
Let's stop acting shocked, and let's get shocked into action.
Beth Green has been an intuitive counselor, author and spiritual teacher for 30 years. She has offered many workshops on Sex & Spirituality under the auspices of The Stream, her spiritual community. She is the co-founder of Consciousness Boot Camp, which is a transformational program to help us all become the change agents to help our world. For more about Beth you can visit her personal website, Beth's Place.
Bob Cesca: The Biggest Crime in the Anthony Weiner Scandal
Public Relations Advice for Rep. Anthony Weiner -- It's Sex ...
Is Rep. Anthony Weiner a Sex Addict? | BraveHearts
Boereworsrocks: So is Weiner's behavior regarded as sexual addiction?
It sounds like you're trying to do that. If you feel a deep bond with him, I would give him a chance to change. See if he really does get counseling, and don't expect perfection. Watch his efforts and intentions. In the meantime, you might get some counseling, too, to know what unconscious motives might be keeping you there; but also what unconscious motives are making it so difficult to hang in there. I have seen people change deeply ingrained patterns, but they need motivation and support. If he is deeply motivated, he might face the issues that drive his patterns. Then he needs the right support, not just from you, but from someone who has the skills and ability to help him face himself and heal. If you have a tendency to bolt from difficult situations, this might be a transformational moment, too. I hope this letter helps you. Thanks for writing.
Women especially do not realize how many men actually think about sex, and project their own feelings onto men , thinking men are more like women than they actually are.
Women think of sex as bonding and emotional connections. Men usually think of sex as like having a nice sandwich. It makes their body part feel nice. It is purely physical, like eating a hamburger. Sometimes thay like the hamburger with a different sauce, or in a different setting.
Women, who are looking for an emotional connection, don't like to think that their partner actually views them as a kind of hamburger that satisfies their body parts. Women are naive with their wishful thinking and then get upset when the truth comes out.
Anthony Weiner would not turn the majority of women's heads, were they to see him on the street. He is not a handsome man. However, when participating in virtual interactive sexual activity, it is the imagination, more than anything else, that causes sexual gratification to occur. The imagination is a powerful thing; and, after all, it is part of the sexual organ . . . the brain.
But, what about honoring commitment, and personal accountability? Regardless of how we paint a picture using the terms "pain," "loneliness," and "desperation," the bottom line is that if Weiner and his ilk are not willing or able to honor a marriage commitment, then they should not marry. What they DON'T have is the right to foist upon a spouse, the pain, anger and disappointment that results from seemingly innocent dalliances.
Also, you describe masturbation in relationships as a fix for anxiety or emptiness. We all can agree on the male and female differences when it comes to sexuality. Personally, I don't believe it's fair to label masturbation while in a relationship as a fix. If one finds they are opposed to it, they should seek an answer as to why they feel this way. Are not we attempting to do that with the homosexual population? Personally, I believe masturbation and fantasy are perfectly fine within and without relationships. I agree one should avoid habitual behavior, but then again, women and men have different stirrings and those stirrings should not be evaluated by the stirrings of the opposite sex.
Regarding pornography, I think it's very sad both for the person who poses for it and for the person who uses it. I am not condemning anything or anybody. I'm only suggesting that when we are truly fulfilled, we don't need substitutes. I've taught sex and spirituality workshops for years and have helped many people deepen their relationship to themselves and others. There are two elements: the improvement of our emotional relationships with ourselves and one another and the integration of the spiritual plane, which includes experiencing ourselves and others as sacred and connecting to higher energies and channeling them through our energy centers. We can change our relationship to our bodies and our sexuality in ways that are sacred and simultaneously freeing. Perhaps in a future blog, I'll offer some suggestions. Thank you.
Since we cannot agree upon my assertion that men and women have different stirrings and at different frequencies (I didn't say conflicting or opposite, but I mean observable differences), I challenge you to put yourself mans corner. Take testosterone for a while and see how that may affect your rationale with regards to sexuality. I agree both sexes desire connection and sex can fulfill that connection, but sex is not requisite to a fulfilling relationship; merely one way.
The fact that you disagree does not change the reality. Understanding the difference will help you to provide better service to your clients.
It is similar hurdle that heterosexual therapists counseling gays must clear when they seek to advocate a heterosexual cure as a 'better way.'
"We are not special in anyway. We are no different from any other life form on this rock."
You are assuming, of course, that these life forms (or "animals" as we descibe them) are not special, are not sacred. I mean, we live on land that was inhabited by people that believed even the grass underneath their feet was sacred.
Have you ever seen a dolphin lead a whale out of harms way (after a group of men failed to do so)? Take a look at this (turn up the volume):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fp_motddvnQ
Just as this "animal" is very special and even heroic, so is the rest of the animal kingdom, including (as you correctly point out) humans.
First, thanks for the wonderful support I’ve received here. And thanks also to those who believe they disagree. I notice, however, that many of you overlooked my major point, which is there is a disconnection between us and ourselves, between us and others, a disconnection revealed through our sexual behavior. I am not judging sex. I am offering a better way, one that is more loving, connected and sacred.
For those who see us as “wired†and driven by sex, I wonder if people don’t actually prefer sex connected with love and intimacy. Perhaps some of you have given up on that and are rationalizing more mechanical choices. Additionally, while I agree that our compassion should go to those who are injured by sexual misconduct, isn’t the perpetrator also in need of healing? Do our negative judgments and condemnations aid in the healing process? Or, do they serve to create an even deeper pathology in the psyche of the ones so condemned?
Finally, I would like thank the folks who have written to me personally about their deepest pain and heartfelt longings. I hope to continue to be of help.
This is the thinking of someone that knows we are not truly individuals; that we are connected to everyone, even the perpetrator. While I've been guilty of judging and condemning those that have hurt others, I can see how this ridicule leads to no positive outcome.
I'm fascinated by the point you raise regarding "sex connected with love and intimacy." When I was a very young man, unbeknownst to me, I fell in love with an even younger woman and she loved me as much as I cherished her. The sex was so good that I cannot find the correct word to describe it!
When we broke up, I thought that's what sex would feel like with any other attractive woman. But, because I was not in love with these new women I was dating, the sex was not even half as good.
It gives you a form of physical satisfaction. But, it's akin to having a single drop of Burgundy instead of a glass.
I'm horrified to think that people can go all of their lives without feeling the crazy passion that stems from a madly loving relationship.
On another point, I'd love to invite you to check out The Stream, http://thestream.org, our spiritual community. Our whole premise is the recognition of Oneness, and we LIVE it to the best of our ability. We've developed many programs to help people overcome the ego domination that blocks that knowing. And we are reaching out through many vehicles, including our upcoming long-term program Consciousness Boot Camp, http://consciousnessbootcamp.org, which is based on my book Living with Reality, which is founded on Oneness. Also, you might enjoy some of my earlier blogs, including one called "Can Collective Consciousness Make Us Healthier?" whose premise is that we need to deal with addiction on a collective basis because we are ONE.
So glad to meet you, and I hope we'll hear from you again.
Healthy desires are something that we actually want to do out of our own choices. Compulsive desires are the ones that we are driven to them, with no control to whether we want do them or not.
Oh course, sex in itself is natural, but it can become an addictive drive. Just like high-fat, high-sugar, high-salt/sodium foods can become addictive. So some might say, "Well, if we crave them so much, then how can this desire not be 'natural'?" Actually, we don't, we just learned to eat that way. We didn't always eat high-fat, high-sugar, high-salt diets. And obviously, eating too much of them isn't good for you. The more sugar, fat and salt that we eat, the more that we crave them, the more that we get used to the taste, creating a vicious cycle of wanting more and more sugar, salt and fat to satisfy the addiction. I think that sex addiction, as well as any other forms of addictions are the same. It creates a vicious cycle of wanting more and more.
Obviously, the answer to this problem is not by "letting go" and "giving up the control to our desires", but by cutting down the addiction, and eliminating it completely.
Such logic would suggest that 'appetite' causes violence when a disturbed individual kills for food. Childhood obesity is another form of child abuse, yet similarly, to suggest that 'appetite' causes this form of abuse is ridiculous.
Violent people can use sex, language, food, religion, or numerous other vehicles to express their rage, but none of these "can cause violence."
I had a girlfriend who told me that a previous boyfriend said that having sex with her was like being in church (he was right!) This article reminds me of her.
In chasing the right partner, the right way to be and act we (mostly) separate from who we are in-truth and in this separation we give our power away and are governed by forces and pressure and expectation outside of who we are.
I feel this then becomes the reality of our life and we forget that we first need to truly love ourself, truly love - before we can express our whole self, our complete divine love to another - not for gain, not for sex but so we meet another in "equalness" - sometimes this love finds its expression with a particular person and this love grows to become an expression intimately and a commitment evolves in this Truth and openness with each other.
The esoteric nature of making love becomes more than two people 'having sex' but a deepening union of acceptance and joy. The continual unrest we see in our society is the separated nature we have accepted as "the way it is" - and this becomes an ill-chasing identification which is not needed when we are re-connected to who we truly are as loving beings.
My feelings on it.
The only way to find the right partner is to be completely ourselves, isn't it?
Thanks so much for writing.
First, he has displayed extremely poor judgement. Second, with the mass upheaval that is going on in his life, he cannot be in a position to give 100% to his office....no human can in that position.
He needs to resign because of that, not because of what he did.
It IS NOT a question of morality for me. It's all about his lack of judgement and poor decision making. If he ran on a platform of being a candidate that makes poor decisions and displays poor judgement would anyone vote for him? Of course not. He needs to do the right thing and resign...which he will any hour now. Seems this man can't do the right thing until absolutely pushed to do it, and the pressure is mounting.