When I was young, I felt very angry about the pain in our world. I was less upset about my own pain than I was about the pervasiveness of injustice, unkindness, prejudice and neglect throughout the world. Outraged, I decided that I could not believe in any kind of a higher power, because, I reasoned, if there were a God, a Creator of all this trauma and injustice, I would have to hate the divine. So I consciously chose to believe there was none.
Without any kind of higher power, I felt very alone and responsible for all that I saw. At the age of 9, I gave myself the responsibility to fix the world and wildly tried to right every wrong. In 1978, when I was 33 years old, I had a total meltdown. After years of radical activism, I was burnt out. My burnout was due not only to the intensity of a life devoted to social and political struggle; it was also due to my fruitless attempts to fix everything, especially in light of the increasingly obvious fact that I could hardly fix anything. And what added to my burnout was the slow, continuous destructiveness of my own anger -- my anger against a global social and economic system I deemed unfair and hurtful.
Having burned out, I had to change. But how and in what way? In time, I discovered that I needed to believe that there was a power greater than myself and that I was not responsible for everything. I needed to learn to relax into the process of living and be more in allowance of the way humans were. I needed to learn how to love myself, God and others. I needed spirituality. But before I could surrender to spirituality, I was once more confronted with the question of "God." What the heck is he/she/it? And how could I reconcile my anger with faith, my faith with common sense?
I saw spiritual people who seemed more serene than me, and my heart wanted to just leap into faith. But faith in what? As I looked around, I observed many spiritual models, but they didn't seem to work for me. Here are some examples: I saw people praying for themselves and their wants, even at the expense of others. People looking to God as they would look to a candy machine, a dispenser of the goodies they thought they should have. This didn't feel like a way to rise to a higher consciousness.
Then there was another model: people who seemed to be constantly begging for forgiveness for their flaws, begging forgiveness from some judgmental, perfect God, even if he were framed as a kindly "father." To my view, these folks were heaping guilt and shame on themselves just for being human. I couldn't see how this approach could be healing because my experience as an intuitive counselor taught me that the more shame people feel, the less capacity they have to change; that instead, we need to understand and have compassion for ourselves and grow from there. In addition, it didn't make sense to claim that God was all-powerful and yet blame us for being flawed. Who made us that way?
And then there was yet another model: the belief we could individually use the laws of the universe to control reality for our own benefit. This model did not even feel like spirituality because, to me, spirituality involved humility and serving God and others, whereas this model felt like ego and manipulation (i.e., trying to use the divine for our own purposes). In addition, this model seemed to be a source of needless suffering because when things went "wrong," folks who embraced this belief system blamed themselves. In their world view, unwanted outcomes were due to something they did, said or even thought in this or some other lifetime. This perspective seemed to elevate individual human beings to the level of omnipotent, and that to me seemed out of reality. In addition, it conflicted with the fundamental principle of Oneness. If we are not separate individuals, how can we have individual control of the universe?
I rejected all of these paths and more. But then what was I to believe in?
One day, back in 1983, as I was still grappling with this question, I had a major spiritual experience. I felt that I was in God's presence, and I heard a voice saying, "Remember, Beth. God is changing." Now talk about having your world rocked! God changing? Wasn't God perfect? How could a perfect God change? Then the same voice said to me, "Are you part of God?" I said, "Yes." It continued, "Are you changing?" Again, I said, "Yes." And finally the voice said the obvious, "If you are changing, and you are part of me, how could I not be changing?"
The simplicity of this argument dumbfounded me. Suddenly, I realized that God is not perfect; instead, God is ever changing and evolving. And if God created the universe, then the universe -- and mankind -- is a reflection of God, an evolving God. And if I am flawed, that's a reflection of my Creator in the process of evolution. At this point, I dared to ask the question, "If I am made in God's image, what do my flaws say about God?" These blinding thoughts filled me with relief. I was tired of feeling guilty and shameful about myself and my defects, and I suddenly felt peace about myself. With these realizations, I dumped shame. I announced to God, "Physician, heal thyself!" In other words, if the world was a reflection of God's evolution, then it was only God's evolution that would heal our world.
Dumping shame was, however, only the beginning. Dumping shame led me to embrace responsibility. I am, after all, a part of God, an aspect of divine consciousness. If God, the whole, is in the process of evolution, and if I am part of that whole, then I have a part in the evolution of all of consciousness. Wow! Back in my political days, I felt responsible for everything because I perceived myself as alone. Now I realized that I am responsible for everything because I am not alone. On the contrary, I am responsible for everything because I am part of the Oneness. And simultaneously, fortunately, I am only responsible for doing my part in the collective transformational process.
From that moment in 1983, when I surrendered the perfect God, I began an incredible journey of intimacy with my higher power. There is no shame in being human. We are all flawed, and we were designed to be this way. We are part of God, and so is every rapist and every saint. The universe is evolving, and so is God, and our imperfection is all part of this plan. Life is not a continuous struggle to get the universe to fix or satisfy "me." It is the never-ending story of me as a part of God in the process of evolution. In this sense, God isn't healing me; we collectively are healing God; or more precisely, we are aspects of the God that is in the process of evolution.
Some dislike this perspective, because it can feel scary. With no perfect God, there is no sugar daddy, no candy dispenser in the sky that can fix all our problems and make everything all right. But this evolutionary perspective on God has been my liberation. If I am truly an aspect of an evolving God, then I'm not a worm or a hideous mistake. I am the way I was designed to be: flawed and weak and capable of transformation.
In relationship to myself, others and my higher power, I have no fear or shame. I am flawed, of course, and that causes pain to me and others. But this is meant to be. I am a flawed aspect of God in the process of evolution. I have weaknesses, and I am responsible to face those weaknesses and transform. As such, I have purpose and value, and my mistakes and weaknesses are part of that purpose. I can take on my small part of the responsibility for all of creation
Sure this means I have a lot of responsibility: I have a lot of work to do on myself, and I have to share whatever I learn with others. But I am not alone. In all this, God and I are partners in evolution, even if I'm the junior partner, and I ask for as much guidance as I can get. And in all this, you and I are partners in evolution, each one of us working together synergistically to heal the whole; each one of us doing our part in fulfilling our collective destiny.
Embracing an imperfect God means embracing responsibility. It's worth it.
Beth has just released a video on the topic of the evolving universe: The Cosmic Convergence: Is It Real & What Is Our Part. Also Beth's views on our role in the transformation of consciousness is contained in her 477-page book, Living with Reality: Who We Are, What We Could Be, How We Get There, which is a free download on her website. Beth has been an intuitive counselor and spiritual teacher since 1980. She is the founder of The Stream spiritual community and the co-founder of Consciousness Boot Camp, an ongoing internet-based program for individual and collective transformation. Her personal website is Beth's Place.
My rabbi had a very good message for this Jewish new Year. He encouraged us not only to ask God for help but also to ask how we might help and partner with God as well. I thought "yes, I would love to! God what can I do for you? How can I help?"
Humbled and empowered.....
La Shona Tova!
You said: "He encouraged us not only to ask God for help but also to ask how we might help"....
Please thank the Rabbi on behalf of this gentile. He may have aided me in my relationship with Jesus.
Beyond debasing worms, I love your voice and perspective, and in particular, "With no perfect God, there is no sugar daddy, no candy dispenser in the sky that can fix all our problems and make everything all right." Thank you for sharing.
Such twisted "logic"! God thingy or no god thingy, I'm not a worm or a hideous mistake.
I can't understand why The Power Source spoke to you and not me. If we are not separate individuals, why didn't I hear that?
I'm glad to hear that you wish the Power Source spoke to you directly, but, if we are one, then it doesn't matter which one he/she told, does it? I'm certainly glad that Einstein and Beethoven could "hear" what I couldn't, and we were all the beneficiaries. In fact I hope we all become more inspired. Best wishes.
Well, that's a convenient formulation for you, but it totally dodged my question.
Perhaps it isn't whether God is perfect or not in any case. We aren't perfect, and we can't expect to be. Perfection would have a very hard time trying to show us what it is like to be perfect. We couldn't understand it, and even if we did, we'd muff it up.
So the more we change, the more our vision of Perfection or of the Divine changes. Abraham saw the Divine as a Friend, a King Whom one could share a meal with. Moses saw the Divine as a God of power, wrath, and mystery. The Prophets saw the Divine as a God of Justice, but Who offered mercy. The New Testament sees the Divine as a God of Love, and incarnate in Jesus Christ. Even then there are differenceÂs. To each gospel writer, the Divine has different characteriÂstics that seem most important.
Even should God not change, we do. In either case, our perceptionÂs of God will change. And perhaps those perceptionÂs are not so much about how God is, but about how we are and what we long for, a vision of our imperfectiÂons reaching for something better.
Take careful note of this, though: It is not the actual presence or not of a higher power which caused these things in you. The thing doing the work is the belief, not the existence, of the entity.
Thanks for taking the time to share your journey and wisdom with us. You are so right about how shame cripples us. I have been so shame based that it has crippled my ability to have self honesty. What I mean by this is for me to have to acknowledge by disfunction caused to to feel more shame which caused me to deny the very things I did, to aviod the shame. I have been like a slave that had given up their will to the master and became passive. I had to deny the flashs of insight that I got because to acknowledge them ment I had to see myself and my actions, which again lead to shame.
By being able to see the ego as a 2 year old I was able to see that I had asked a 2 year old to paint my living room leaving it all the equipment needed to do the job. When I came back there was paint on everything including some on the walls. I was able to see that I had asked it to do something that it was incapable of doing. It knew it as well, but because of the lack of humility it wasn't able to acknowledge it. I can now have compassion for this evolving aspect of me and myself.
Thanks for sharing your part in helping me see and appreciate this process we are going through.
I am so happy to learn that this blog has supported you in releasing the shame that gets in the way of our actually doing our part. Thanks for writing.
What a wonderful message! The idea that we and God evolve together, and that we are, in fact, the agents in God's growth - the forward movement of creation - both liberates us from shame and motivates us to growth. I too had a similar "call", and am inspired by your commitment.
Wishing you well,
Alan
Thank you for your fantastic message. I checked out your Huff Post blogger bio, and I am very excited that you contacted me. We have so much in common, including a dedication to bringing higher consciousness into everyday life, including business. I, too, was born Jewish -- in Brooklyn, by the way -- and I love that your wife is a cantor. If you are interested in these kinds of ideas, I have a free book online, Living with Reality: http://bethsplace.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Living-with-Reality_Web-Version.pdf. Also I have written a book called Sacred Union: The Healing of God, which specifically deals with the evolution of God and Oneness consciousness. It's available at Amazon. I'm sure you are madly busy, and so am I, but I would love to hear from you again at some time. It's great to find relations, and I look forward to reading some of your blogs! Usually you can find me in the Healthy Living Spirit section. Best wishes to both you and your wife,
I'd love to stay in touch!
Blessings to you and your family,
Alan
I have struggled as well with feeling individually responsible for all of the pain in the world, and experienced my own "burnout" as a teacher that took the form of just wanting to give up. Thank goodness I was able to find my way to a wealth of spiritual teachings that helped me to put things in perspective and see, as you did, that we cannot do it alone and aren't meant to. It has been such a support to me to connect to higher wisdom and cultivate that ability in myself, and realize that I do have a purpose here on earth--not to fix everything, not to save anyone, but to be humble, to learn, and to evolve. What a relief! This understanding has saved me, and saved the world from losing one more teacher who just couldn't do it all. Now I know that I don't have to! In this age of increased accountability and high-stakes tests, it helps so much to remember that while I am responsible for my part in the co-creative process of evolution, the rest is up to God. Amen!
What a blessing you must be to the children that you teach every day -- that they can learn to be supported by one another and embark on lives of continuous missteps leading to continuous transformation. Thank you so much for writing.
We need to shift into awareness and accountability and shift out of shame, blame, denial and self-hatred. The Living with Reality book is actually a massive work aimed to help us see ourselves clearly and have compassionate understanding of ourselves so that we can become more loving to ourselves and others. You might want to look at the whole table of contents, if you feel inspired. I know that others, too, are encouraging us to do the same.
Thanks for your comment.