If you are married and socialize with a group of friends on a regular basis, at some point at least one couple if not several couples in that group will go through a divorce. It's inevitable. The divorce statistics are too high. Almost one in every two marriages ends in divorce these days and most of those divorces turn ugly. You know, you see it all the time. The "once" loving couple is now slinging mud at each other from across an expensive conference table in a high-powered attorney's office. But, it doesn't have to be that way.
- First Marriages: 45 percent to 50 percent end in divorce
- Second Marriage: 60 percent to 67 percent end in divorce
- Third Marriage 70 percent to 73 percent end in divorce [1]
Right now, my husband and I are in the process of getting divorced and we are the best we've been in a year and half. As a coach, I know this is not common, but how my husband and I have handled the end of our marriage was a contributing factor to having our divorce go smoothly. We've been married for 12 years and have a nine-year-old daughter. After almost 10 years together, I had become unhappy in our marriage. Instead of keeping it a secret and hating my husband in my head, I told him exactly how I was feeling. We had a real conversation about our marriage and he told me what he wanted me to work on as well. For a while, we worked privately on ourselves but things didn't change. We decided to get outside help. We went to marriage counseling, did a course on relationships and got coached. We spent a year and half working on our marriage. Finally, after Thanksgiving 2010, it really wasn't working and I asked my husband for a divorce.
Now, we're getting divorced. And are we sad? Sure. Am I blaming my husband for the divorce? Absolutely not. Is he blaming me? No. We tried to fix it but it didn't work. We loved each other and spent 12 years together but we shouldn't be married anymore. The best part is that we are taking responsibility for our part in the breakup of the marriage. There isn't any anger or hatred because we're not blaming each other. And by owning our own crap, our nine-year-old daughter is completely fine about us getting divorced. Yes, she's sad -- like we are -- but she's ok. She's actually doing great.
Why Divorces Get Ugly
- One spouse has a dirty little secret.
The reason most divorces turn ugly is because someone in the relationship has a dirty little secret. They've been lying to their spouse about how they feel and have been privately entertaining the idea of getting a divorce. They stop liking their husband or wife and begin living in the zone of "it's over" without ever telling their spouse. The spouse has no idea what's going on and believes the marriage is fine. This dirty little secret slowly destroys the relationship.
- That spouse builds a case against their partner.
So, the spouse with the dirty secret begins to build a case in their head about the big, bad, evil person they're married to. They're mean. They ruined my life. I hate them. The spouse with the secret feels completely justified as the innocent one because they're talking to themselves about the awful person they are going to dump. They don't realize they are a withholding liar. They are causing all the tension. They don't have the balls to have a conversation with their spouse and tell them they are unhappy and considering divorce. Instead they lie and explain away their happiness in their head, creating an even more toxic environment.
- No one owns their own crap in the marriage.
Now, the one spouse is not only building a case to dump their partner, they're also pointing the finger and blaming the downfall of the marriage on their spouse without acknowledging their part. They believe they are the innocent victim and their husband or wife is the "bad" one. It never even occurs to them that they may have also contributed to the downfall of the relationship. All they do is blame and play innocent. This leads to complete breakdown of communication between the spouses.
- All real communication is gone.
The Handel Method is about looking at yourself and how you got where you are in your life. We get clients to really understand why they did what they did in a particular situation and to own it fully. When you look at your part in the breakdown of your marriage it ultimately releases all the blame you had on the other person. You have to own your own issues and own that you got yourself into this mess. You picked your spouse and forgot that you did. There's a natural way to fix it. But if there's no truthful communication between the spouses, nothing will get resolved. Often partners walk away from a relationship without knowing the truth of what really happened in their marriage. Which is often why second and third marriages fail as well. The person never learned what they needed to learn about themselves in a relationship, which would keep them from having another bad marriage.
You can say goodbye with love
The night before we went to the mediator to help us start legally dissolve our marriage, I got a bouquet of flowers and a thank you card from my soon-to-be ex-husband. In the card he thanked me for who I had become over the years and how I had helped him become the man he was today. He was excited for our futures and thrilled how well our divorce was going. When I showed the mediator the card, he was shocked. Most of his clients are barely speaking when they walk into his office.
If you own what you did in the marriage and how you got there, then the divorce is simply just dividing up the money and dealing beautifully with the children. You walked into the marriage with love and you can walk away with love. It doesn't have to be ugly.
Some advice if you are considering divorce:
- If you're unhappy, go to your spouse and tell them what's wrong. Be completely honest.
- Communicate to your spouse and figure out if the two of you want to make an effort to save the marriage or not. No pretending to be innocent and harboring bad feeling.
- Look at your role in why the marriage is breaking up and own your crap. Don't just blame the other person.
- Communicate the truth about the marriage. Walk away knowing it was both of you who contributed to the downfall of your marriage. It's a powerful feeling.
[1] Statistics source is Jennifer Baker, Forest Institute of Professional Psychology, Springfield, Missouri
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Trying to suggest possible strategies for individuals in this type of marriage is beyond counter-productive, it's just plain wrong, especially when one's safety is involved.
All those strategies are great for those who are in partnership relationships with individuals who are at least somewhat stable, but they're no use to those of us with the one simple, reasonable goal of leaving without any interference.
Any insight into why that may be?
Thanks for your response on this question, Ms. Weissenberger.
blame game and getting interested in what their contribution was to the failure of the marriage. Might I add that the process of discovering "your crap" is not necessarily a solitary one. Working with a psychotherapist, a lifecoach, or in a divorce group are effective choices for studying oneself to learn where you went wrong, what to avoid, and how to do it better next time. Betsy Ross,LICSW
Having lived divorce my whole life, through childhood and my own divorce after 6 years of marriage and 2 children, I have one piece of advice to people contemplating marriage. Marry someone who will make a good ex wife as you can live with a bad wife but you cant live with a bad ex wife.
This leads to the question of what makes a good ex wife? A good ex wife is someone who will always be able to support herself and be financially independent. A good ex wife realizes the value of both parents being equally involved in the raising of children, kids don't "visit" their fathers. A good ex wife realizes the benefit in maintaining respect to the father of her children and how this will help her move ahead in her own life.
Of course these qualifications are not gender specific and must be adhered to by both parties but they should always be discussed before marriage not during divorce. Marriage is a high risk investment and realizing how to mitigate these risks before the contract is signed will go a long way to ensuring everyone has a positive future no matter what the outcome.
Sadly the only emotion that is more intense and uncontrollable than new love is when love turns to hate.
You ASKED your husband for a divorce?
Your husband sent you flowers and a card saying thankyou for who you now were and helping him become the person he now was the day before filing for divorce?
No blaming each other or anger at each other for the divorce?
Truthfully, I have never heard of a couple being so polite and understanding to each other when going through a divorce. Even those who say there are no problems usually are just hiding the anger or resentment.You both are obviously mature, caring, confident, intelligent, healthy, secure people and I am in awe.
Like I said, one in a million.
Good luck to both of you.
Still, we all have the freedom to be ourselves, even if that means harming another person. Pity--at best--when it is someone you made a vow to.
I hope you can find healing.
Anyway, she is mentally ill and a narcissist. Our divorce got worked out by the mediator. She is behaving well now. I accept my role in the divorce, and this is very important. I have also forgiven her and I want her to have success. He success will have a positive impact on my son. One aspect people forget is the child is a part of you, the child is also a part of your ex. Therefore, if you strike out in anger at your ex, you hurt your child and yourself. I know what you are thinking, very deep. Thanks for sharing your story.
I hope readers who are thinking about going down that road will take heed and reconsider.