Five kids is a lot of kids, man, and that means no matter how frugal (read: cheap) we try to be, birthday parties and Christmas presents and Easter baskets and, oh dear Lord, school fundraisers make our bank balances weep with the pain of it all.
But, there's one time of year when we make it all back, baby! And that time is here.
I'm talking, of course, about Halloween. Because five kids is a lot of kids and we're raising them to be a candy-gathering machine.
Now, I realize there's some debate over whether kids should get to keep their own candy, how much they can eat and whether they're required to share with their parents. And I've heard persistent rumors there are parents who sneak bits of candy here and there, dipping hands stealthily into the kids' buckets throughout Halloween night, stealing a steady stream on the nights that follow and hoping not to be discovered with chocolate breath or a green tongue or in the act of hasty chewing behind the kitchen door.
It's time to come clean, parents. All the way out of the candy-stealing closet. It's time to stand up for ourselves and demand our rights, because you know what? Kids can't do this trick-or-treat thing without us. That's right. We're a critical part of the plan. And it's time we're paid a fair in-kind wage for services rendered.
You know what else? There's an obesity epidemic in this country. It would be irresponsible for us to allow our kids to eat all their own candy. We are helping them, and they need to know it so they understand we are here for them in real and practical ways.
And so, because we must work together to promote fair working conditions and the good health of our children, I strongly urge you to sit down with your family before Halloween night and sign this agreement.
A Halloween Agreement for More Acceptable Working Conditions
made this 31st day of October, 2013
between the Children and the Parents
WHEREAS the Children are unable to trick-or-treat without the Parents; and WHEREAS the Parents, due to unfair social and cultural constraints, are unable to trick-or-treat by themselves;
NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of mutual undertakings, the parties herein agree to the following:
SECTION 1: The Parents will perform the roles of costume designer, make-up artist, hairstylist, safety patrol officer and manners coach.
SECTION 2: The Children will perform the role of trick-or-treator.
SECTION 3: The Children will acquire an obscene amount of candy.
SECTION 4: The Children will share, without objection or complaint, all candy with the Parents.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the Parties herein have executed this agreement the date first written above.
Beth Woolsey is the writer and humorist behind the Five Kids Is A Lot of Kids blog where she writes authoritatively on pee and sometimes things that matter. Beth is described by readers as "optimistic, authentic, poignant and laugh-out-loud funny, [capturing] the mom experience with all its pathos and humor."