02/08/2007 10:06 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Why I Should Be Nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize

Last week, Premier Pill Popper and right-wing radio shock jock Rush Limbaugh received a nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize. In the true American spirit of friendly competition, I decided to submit my own application for a Nobel Peace Prize Nomination. The following is a reprint of my eloquently penned correspondence to the Committee:

Dear Nobel Peace Prize Committee,

What's up! First off, I would like to thank you guys for inspiring the movie A Beautiful Mind. That shit was awesome, especially that one scene when Russell Crowe went nuts and started papering his shack with newspaper cutouts. I shed a tear when he got his Nobel Prize for crunching those gnarly algorithms and figuring out where the Soviets were to going deploy their missiles. Totally Oscar-worthy material. So thanks, guys.

Also, I noticed that you gave Rush Limbaugh a Nobel Peace Prize nomination. This gives me hope, since I myself am somewhat of a humanitarian. Maybe even more so than Rush. Because if I had any happy pills on me, I'd share them with my friends, and not keep my stash on the DL. That aside, I have made many other profound contributions to the human cause:

1. I don't really have a problem with black people
In fact, my favorite show while growing up was The Cosby Show! Yes, the Coogi sweaters, the epileptic dancing, the eye-rolls - that was when I knew that black people were alright. Also, I have at least one black friend (hi Steve!) who, to my knowledge, has never done a drive-by and is not a pimp. Even better, we went to a Weezer show once and he actually knew all the words, so that was how I knew that black people don't just listen to gangsta rap.

2. I support animal rights
As a general rule, I only eat red meat at Prime 112 or Smith and Wollensky. There are also many girls on South Beach who walk around with Chihuahuas in their purses, and I think that's so cool and Paris Hilton of them! At the grocery store, I only buy California cheese, because the TV commercial says that the "the best cheese comes from happy cows, and happy cows come from California." It's true! I know this for a fact, because the cartoon cows in the ad have a huge smiles on their faces.

3. I don't point and laugh at retards anymore
I used to go to kindergarten with this kid called Jeremy, who was huge, drooled constantly, and was always eating paste. I made fun of him until one day, next to the monkey bars, he went ape shit and had a Category 5 freakout. That was when I realized that 'tards have feelings too. So Jeremy, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pretend brush my teeth in front of your huge shiny forehead. Now when the Special Olympics are televised, I try really hard not to snigger, even when wheelchair collisions occur.

4. I believe that children are our future
Where would we be without kids? My god, it'd be like living in...South Florida! Kids are great. The best thing about kids is that you can make them fetch you beer from the fridge, and when you want to leave a social engagement early, you can always say, "We have to go, Little Timmy is running a fever." Also, it is so cute when kids believe anything you tell them, even the dumb shit like Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. They're kind of like retards that way.

5. I have a diverse group of friends
My best friends, Gwen and Esty, hail from the foreign capitals of Ohio and Kendall. We often engage in multicultural exchanges. From Esty (Kendall), I have learned how to politely order an alcoholic beverage at a fine dining establishment, "Donde esta mi cerveza? Cono!" From Gwen, I have learned that unlike her, the vast majority of Ohioans are fucking fat. One can therefore surmise that I am clearly ready to be a spokesperson for international diplomacy.

6. I contribute to the economy
This one time, when Arden B was having a 70% off blowout sale, I spent close to $2,000! And that's just the retail sector! I also contribute to the service industry by getting my nails done, the tourism and hospitality industry by going on vacations, and the publishing industry by subscribing to Cosmopolitan and Vogue.

7. I Just Say No to drugs
Drugs are not cool. Now, I'm not saying that I'm speaking from personal experience, but if I did smoke weed, all it ever made me do was sit cross legged in front of the TV, watch Fraggle Rock, eat Entenmann's Coffee Crumb Cake till my stomach hurt, laugh hysterically, and pass out. This is all hypothetical, of course. Drugs are bad for you, and for that reason, I pass on the grass.

So, Esteemed Committee, given the reasons outlined above, I'm sure we can all agree that I am clear choice for a Nobel Peace Prize nomination. If you need someone to vouch for my moral character, you can call my boyfriend. Just not during tax season, because he's one of God's Chosen People, and this is kind of busy time for him.

Yours Sincerely,