SCENE: A backstage green room. Senators Barack Obama and John McCain wait to appear at a forum commemorating the 9/11 attacks.
STAGE MANAGER: Gentlemen, I'll be back to get you in about ten minutes. Please remember that, by agreement of the campaigns, tonight's event is non-political.
McCAIN: Of course.
OBAMA: Gotcha.
The Stage Manager exits. An awkward silence settles over the room. McCain goes to the fruit bowl, selects a grape, examines it, puts it back. Sits again.
OBAMA: So how you been, John?
McCAIN: Good, good. You?
OBAMA: Fine. Kids?
McCAIN: Fine. Yours?
OBAMA: Both good.
McCAIN: Good, good.
A moment ticks by.
OBAMA: You know, John, I think it's good we laid off the politics today. It's appropriate.
McCAIN: Couldn't agree more.
OBAMA: But, you know, there is just one thing I wanted to ask you.
McCAIN (uneasily): Yes... ?
Obama gets up, walks across the room and flicks McCain smartly in the temple with his index finger.
McCAIN: Ow!
OBAMA: What is wrong with you? "Lipstick on a pig"? Seriously? That's the best you got? I mean, that's how you want to be remembered? For "Lipstick on a pig"? You're a war hero, man, and you throw it all away for "Lipstick on a pig"? Are you nuts? Did they cut the oxygen on your plane? What? You gotta tell me, because seriously, I can't believe you'd be that fool-ass desperate.
McCAIN: I was a PO--
OBAMA: And the thing with the sex ed bill? I voted for "comprehensive sex education" for kindergarteners? Are you smoking crack? I've got two little girls, man. Are you seriously so addle-brained that you want to hint I'm a pedophile? Or are you just so hungry for the job that you don't care? What's wrong with you?
McCAIN: The thing is, I'm the original mav--
OBAMA: Listen to me. We've got one chance to make the next 50 days something that doesn't make every sentient being in the world want to crawl under a rug and hide. And we're the only ones who can make it happen. You and me. Get on your Blackberry, say the word and it all stops tonight. And tomorrow morning you and I can go out there and talk about things that matter.
McCAIN: Well, it's not as--
OBAMA: Bullshit. You and me, in this room, right now. Man to man. Yes or no? Or do I need to go upside your head one more time? Yes or no.
There's a KNOCK. The Stage Manager enters.
STAGE MANAGER: Gentlemen? It's time.
FADE TO BLACK.
Cross-posted at billbarol.tumblr.com.