What Should Happen Tonight at Columbia University

SCENE: A backstage green room. Senators Barack Obama and John McCain wait to appear at a forum commemorating the 9/11 attacks.

STAGE MANAGER: Gentlemen, I'll be back to get you in about ten minutes. Please remember that, by agreement of the campaigns, tonight's event is non-political.

McCAIN: Of course.

OBAMA: Gotcha.

The Stage Manager exits. An awkward silence settles over the room. McCain goes to the fruit bowl, selects a grape, examines it, puts it back. Sits again.

OBAMA: So how you been, John?

McCAIN: Good, good. You?

OBAMA: Fine. Kids?

McCAIN: Fine. Yours?

OBAMA: Both good.

McCAIN: Good, good.

A moment ticks by.

OBAMA: You know, John, I think it's good we laid off the politics today. It's appropriate.

McCAIN: Couldn't agree more.

OBAMA: But, you know, there is just one thing I wanted to ask you.

McCAIN (uneasily): Yes... ?

Obama gets up, walks across the room and flicks McCain smartly in the temple with his index finger.

McCAIN: Ow!

OBAMA: What is wrong with you? "Lipstick on a pig"? Seriously? That's the best you got? I mean, that's how you want to be remembered? For "Lipstick on a pig"? You're a war hero, man, and you throw it all away for "Lipstick on a pig"? Are you nuts? Did they cut the oxygen on your plane? What? You gotta tell me, because seriously, I can't believe you'd be that fool-ass desperate.

McCAIN: I was a PO--

OBAMA: And the thing with the sex ed bill? I voted for "comprehensive sex education" for kindergarteners? Are you smoking crack? I've got two little girls, man. Are you seriously so addle-brained that you want to hint I'm a pedophile? Or are you just so hungry for the job that you don't care? What's wrong with you?

McCAIN: The thing is, I'm the original mav--

OBAMA: Listen to me. We've got one chance to make the next 50 days something that doesn't make every sentient being in the world want to crawl under a rug and hide. And we're the only ones who can make it happen. You and me. Get on your Blackberry, say the word and it all stops tonight. And tomorrow morning you and I can go out there and talk about things that matter.

McCAIN: Well, it's not as--

OBAMA: Bullshit. You and me, in this room, right now. Man to man. Yes or no? Or do I need to go upside your head one more time? Yes or no.

There's a KNOCK. The Stage Manager enters.

STAGE MANAGER: Gentlemen? It's time.

FADE TO BLACK.

Cross-posted at billbarol.tumblr.com.

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Comments

[cgr]

I love this. Perfect.

A strange thought occurred to me this morning. It's nearly impossible to believe the John McCain we're seeing now is the same one we saw a year ago. His books, about honor, etc...this man isn't the one who wrote them. The notion came that somehow the far right has him by the cojones. It's the only explanation for the complete change in persona, and could explain the seeming exhaustion (aside from campaigning) and befuddlement. They have him somehow. If he's really the warrior hero in his heart, at some point very soon he could (if only he would) throw himself on his sword and reveal it, and remove himself (and Palin) from contention. Display the entire ugly far right power mongers for what they are.

Somehow I just don't believe he's doing this from his own spirit and will. And I'm a die-hard Obama supporter.

Just a thought.

[mommadona]

Power is a powerful narcotic.

This is a man who's the President of the INTERNATIONAL Republicans...and he's gonna do everything in his power to keep it that way.

There's much more to McCain - much more:

http://www.iri.org/board.asp

[myrddin]

The only way to stop this type of campaigning is to vote these bums out. Rove and his neocon bohorts have to be banned from politics. We MUST win this election or face many more years of the same. Each time they win it reinforces this campaign tactic.

People if you hate this type of politics vote for Obama. It's the only way to end this madness.

[PoliJunkie]

Maybe Senator Obama should challenge Sarah Palin to a game of B-Ball. Didn't she play in HS? Let's see who would win that game. I am sure the Senator would come out of it smelling like a rose! I would have him challenge McSame, but then again he can't raise his arms too high.

[SeriousBlack]

Mr. Barol, I loved your article - the only thing wrong with it is the flicking-McCain-in-the-temple part. Knowing McCain's temper, if Obama actually did that, McCain (remember he was a wrestler in high school, now...) would tackle Obama and start beating on him.

More realistic would be Obama simply putting his hand on McCain's shoulder and giving it a good firm squeeze.

(And even THEN Obama would still be risking physical retaliation LOL)

[WallyWutMD]

Are you serious? I know you've seen the Obama beach photos. There hasn't been a president that cut up since George Washington was choppin down cherry trees and building his own log cabin out of them. Obama would break McCains arm off and beat him with it.

[gsuescum]

People say Obama should apologize for the lipstick comment

I want John McCain to apologize to the millions of people of people that John McCain voted against when he voted against raising the minimum wage 18 times in 26 years.
I want John McCain to apologize to the millions of people that are losing their homes.
I want John McCain to apologize to women for his votes against equal pay for equal work.
I want John McCain to apologize to women for voting against the violence against women act.
I want John McCain to apologize voting against emergency funding for victims of hurricane Katrina.
I want John McCain to apologize to our police for voting against funding for law enforcement.
I want John McCain to apologize to the thousands of children that lost their parents looking for weapons of mass destruction that do not exist.
I want John McCain to apologize to members of our military for voting against funding military equipment shortages in Iraq.
I want John McCain to apologize for being only one of only 13 Senators to vote against $430,000,000 for the Department of Veteran Affairs for Medical Services for outpatient care and treatment for veterans?

[TedB]

Maybe Obama will pull MCCain aside like he did with Lieberman a few months ago on the senate floor...one can only hope

[ReaderTeacherCitizen]

McCain still has a chance to run a honorable campaign the rest of the way. Posts like this one, as well as the media's backlash, might convince him that his reputation, as well as the country, is at stake.

Country first, John. Put Rove and Davis on a leash. Or better yet, lock them in a room until November.

[celticjag]

I wish also. Could it, maybe? Nice dream. I am afraid that it is only going to get worse.

[kevinem2]

I wish.

[Hydra8]

It would be nice to see some civility in these discussions for we have had too many distractions from the real issues especially from Sarah Palin and John McCain. The real threats to this country are energy, economy and environment, the Three E's.
I do hope they stick to the real issues and stop this nonsense that is currently circulated. Also in order for Sarah Palin to be accurately vetted she has to face media questions and come clean, there is no hiding here- she accepted the position and it goes with being a public nominee for election.