As soon as we leave Iraq, whether it is a year or ten or fifty years from now, Iraq will instantly break out into a vicious civil war. Iraqi troops may be able to stand up at some point, but the ranks will disintegrate along sectarian lines at the first sign of trouble, which should come a few seconds after the U.S. pulls out. Staying until Iraq stabilizes means staying forever. Perhaps that is why the U.S. is building a dozen or so permanent military bases in Iraq. If we're going to stay forever then let us make Iraq the 51st state.
Many problems will be instantly solved. There will be no question of "When do we bring the troops home?" They will be home. What politician wouldn't want to take credit for bringing home the troops? Whenever we send troops to Iraq in the future we'll be sending them home. When a town like Haditha or Tikrit starts acting up, we send in the National Guard like we did with Katrina or the riots in LA. It may not even make the front page.
Every Iraqi can have full U.S. citizenship, which means the right to carry guns and form militias, so none of the insurgents will be law breakers. They'll just be good 'ol Americans diggin' on their constitutional rights. They'll have free speech, separation of church and state, freedom of religion, the whole kit and kaboodle.
The biggest prize of all is their oil, which is nice. Think about this for a second: we will no longer be dependent on foreign oil markets. We can start pumping at capacity and really start partying. OPEC? We'll be a member of OPEC- and a member with a pretty big stick. How much would Dubya and Cheney like to send a representative to those meetings? Can you feel Cheney's heart ready to burst just thinking about it? We can build pipelines, ports -- whatever is required -- and settle into our SUVs again without having to worry.
The Iraqis will get all the American institutions at their immediate disposal -- they won't have to go through the arduous, bloody process of building their own while we empty our kids' pockets helping them struggle through. They'll have a Supreme Court, a defense minister, a secretary of state, an attorney general, and the best military in the world. We'll give them two Senators and expand the number of congressional representatives another twenty or so- - maybe just bump it up to an even 550. They'll have all the laws, traditions and cash they need. They can elect a governor and mayors and a state assembly -- all of their own people. We won't be training Iraqis to somehow build their own military -- we'll be training them to be U.S. Soldiers. We can sprinkle Iraqi recruits throughout our military so they can't form deadly little pocket militias.
Iraq will be a new, better California -- a businessman's dream: very low taxes, if any, a desperate to work at any wage populace with no unions, and tons of infrastructure rebuilding projects so the local pols can dole out the jobs and contracts. Think of the tax revenue the U.S. government will start pulling in. Deficit? What deficit?
An immediate, long term benefit is that we'll instantly take away the biggest weapon terrorists' have -- the rallying cry that America hates Arabs. We can look Arabs around the world right in the eye and without laughing say "We love Arabs! We just made Iraq our 51st state! Leave us alone, Terrorist Guy! We gave Arabs freedom and human rights, protection and a voice in our government. Look at all the free, prosperous Arabs going to their mosques and raising families and voting and going to school! Look at all the Arab businesses benefiting from NAFTA!"
Imagine Joe Morgan on your flat screen HD TV announcing: "The Baghdad Bombers of the Arabian Baseball League meet the New York Yankees on ESPN's Monday Night Baseball! Next! The Bombers vs. the REAL Bombers! Murderers' Row vs. The Insurgents!" That feels so fresh.
While we're annexing Iraq, we can give religious conservatives here three or four southern states, say Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, and South Carolina, and let them secede from the Union to form their own fundamentalist country. They can call their new country whatever they want -- maybe The United States of Christ. Or Jesumerica. Or Americhrist. Or The Confederate Christian States of America. Maybe just let Texas secede, too -- call this new Christian paradise Texachrist. And why not Utah and Idaho? They can call themselves God's Country.
These Christian spin-off countries could be just like Iran. They can make their Falwells and Robertsons and Ralph Reed Jesutollahs. They can have each have a constitution based on The Bible, where Christianity is the official religion and English is the official language. They can have an official Christian News Agency -- CNA -- that's really, really fair to Christians. They can ban abortions, medical marijuana, assisted suicide, dissent and homosexuality. They can put prayer in schools, on the nightly news and in the halls of congress, put the Ten Commandments in schools, the courts and toilet stalls, put crucifixes on driver's licenses, bring back the draft, make warrantless wiretapping legal -- just let them go to town and ban everything from flag burning to taking the lord's name in vain to Janet Jackson's right nipple. They can gut environmental laws, drive armored 8 mpg SUVs to work and live in smoggy, polluted cities and listen to Christian rock at the disco on Saturday night. They can lock down their borders, fight drug wars, ban welfare, censor music, movies and television -- except when violent -- let the corporations and wealthy pay no taxes, let the poor do all the fighting and do whatever else will make them feel safe.
Every right-winger could go to an Americhrist Country to live and we'd be out of each other's hair. Then if anybody in the U.S. starts getting religion in a too feverish way they'll have the option of moving to a country built just for them, leaving the rest of us to enjoy the U.S. Constitution and its protections. How nice would it be to be able to say "You want school prayer? Move to God's Country! Don't like dissent? Move to Texachrist!"
Now for the really cool part: Ok -- we make Iraq the 51st state, then let Iraq secede with Texachrist to form a brand new country. They can call their new country Irachristas. Or Texiraq. America will be free of Iraq and can get busy finding viable alternatives to oil. Meanwhile Dubya and The Nation Builders can go back to Texiraq and play their Middle Eastern axe. The Texiraqians can be totally responsible for Iraq's future and pay all the costs themselves.
The Jesumerican Dream, it seems, is some kind of Keebler Village, armed to the teeth, where nothing bad ever happens. In Jesumerica the issues and challenges one faces in life would be managed by a hege-maniacal imperial force like that imposed on earth's civilizations by the robotesque alien guy from the sci-fi classic The Day the Earth Stood Still. In that typically '50s film an alien made of shiny metal comes down from space to earth and tells all of humanity to "stop fighting each other or I will destroy you!" like some exhausted parent bursting into their rambunctious kids' bedroom yelling "Knock it off and go to sleep or you'll be grounded all summer!" The Christian Right wants Jesus to burst in to the rambunctious halls of Congress, set all the rules and then enforce them.
The problem for RightyChrist Nation is that for some inexplicable reason God doesn't seem to be that robotic Jesus daddy keeping everyone in line they so desperately want. After all, God keeps allowing large numbers of liberal and gay people to go un-smitten. Very un-Godlike, to be sure. So The Right has pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps and decided God does for those who become Jesus Daddy Dominatrix for themselves. They see America, the strongest nation on earth, as perfectly positioned to be the militaristic authority galactic moral policeman they crave to keep everyone in line. They think God handed them control of America to make this wish come true. Of course Bush was going to invade Iraq as soon as he got elected. Back when he was governor he no doubt asked his advisers to come up with a plan to have the State of Texas invade Iraq.
If we give them their own nation they can make everything all secret, give corporate CEOs senate seats, remove all business restrictions and regulations and generally run their Christian paradise into the ground, bankrupt it, mortgage its future to the Chinese and wallow in their own Christ-like misery. If they try to invade somebody they'll have to do the fighting and they'll have to pay for it. It'll be easier for everybody, especially for Americans who want to uphold the constitution.