You never recover from losing a family member to suicide. I know from personal experience, my brother committed suicide at 23.
Teen suicides act as a mirror to our society. Teens take their cues about life, identity, purpose and social value from parents, society at large and too often from other teens. In most cases, teens receive support and love from all of these groups as they develop into adults. The unfortunate few are the recipients of hate, fear and bigotry. Their crime is being different from their peers. In too many cases, they attempt to hide their sexual orientation. Not surprisingly, research shows LGBT youth rejected by their families are eight times more likely to commit suicide, three times more likely to be bullied than their peers and twice as likely to experience major depression according to Friendfactor (see note below about sources).
Many of us were able to hide our sexual identities in order to escape certain ridicule on the school playground. We did not want to face those perpetuating bigotry, hate and biases. Where does all this hate come from? I suspect it is passed down from generation to generation. Why can't we stop the madness? After all these decades, why is there not a law against bullying at school? How many more deaths, suicide attempts and painful childhoods will we allow?
I recently met an individual who survived a suicide attempt. When he was a teenager he shared with his father he 'might be gay'. His father was immediately taken aback and stated if it were true, it would 'significantly alter their relationship.' The teenager did his best to deny his feelings, but ultimately attempted suicide. Eight years later he is still struggling with his sexual orientation. He wants to remain in his family's embrace. His father is not religious and is rather progressive in every other respect. So, where does the bias come from? The son feels his father wants him to fit in and not embarrass him. An important part of his son's life is essentially 'on hold.'
After decades of groundbreaking research on sexual orientation and sexual identity, is it possible some haven't gotten the memo? It's too bad there's not a manual for parenting. Worse, there isn't one on how to treat a fellow teenager, or fellow human being. Growing up in our fast paced society is difficult enough, without having to hide your innermost thoughts from those closest to you.
It is not possible, like flipping a switch, to change one's sexual orientation. I know. I struggled with coming to terms with my sexual orientation as a gay man. I did not want to disappoint my parents. I knew my life would be more difficult coming out in the late 1970's as well. Not to mention working in the business world and perhaps someday in banking. I prayed a lot in both Catholic and Baptist Churches. My prayers were ultimately answered as I became fully aware and comfortable with my sexuality. I believe God made me gay and it is not a choice, no more than I chose to be of Polish and German descent.
My parents were initially saddened when I shared the news I was gay at age 28. However, within minutes, they stated I was still their son and they still loved me. I am one of the lucky ones. I cannot imagine a different response from them. Since we had already lost my brother to suicide, I was afraid to upset my parents. That's why I didn't share my news with them until I was 28 years old. Waiting over ten years to deliver this news was difficult for me. I felt the distance that crept into our relationship with my parents, as I was not able to fully be myself or be honest with them. I missed the closeness we previously shared. After coming out to them, I was able to resume a fully inclusive, much more satisfying connection. They were again typically the first ones I called with both bad and good news.
Parents will never have kids who are perfect or behave perfectly. I hope they understand. It's a big mistake to think it's better to disown our kids than accept them for who they are. Most kids will recover if their parents disown them, I'm not sure the parents ever do. And, you never recover from a suicide in the family, even if the family was fully supportive of the one who chose to commit suicide. That's why it pains me to think there are parents who make suicide eight times more likely simply because their child is gay or lesbian.
Note: Friendfactor is the first social network dedicated to friends -- gay and straight -- helping friends get basic legal freedoms. The sources they cite for statistics above are: "Family Rejection as a Predictor of Negative Health Outcomes in White and Latino Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Young Adults." Pediatrics Journal. Vol. 123 No. 1 January 2009, Elise D. Berlan,"Sexual orientation and bullying in adolescents." Journal of Adolescent Health. February 2007 (Vol. 40, Issue 2, Page S28); Caitlin Ryan, PhD. and Archives of General Psychiatry.
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Educating the public and debunking a lot of myths is one of the ways we will find equanimity.
Thanks for all your comments and informative links.
www.scenarÂiosusa.org
Why are religions so obsessed with sex ?? That,s another thing I can,t understand. And it dosen,t seem to be their own sexuality they are obsessed about, they look outwardly + condemn others.And as for being loving + non-judgemental, well-----.
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You and me both. GLBT tax paying Americans live with 1138 LESS rights and protections than thier straight counterparts every day. But yet were the one's that want 'special rights'. All we want is to be treated equally under the law. Nothing more, nothing less. Thank you for your post. Faved.
While you are at it, you might want to read a book. I highly recommend "What the Bible Really Says about Homosexuality", by Daniel Helminiak (2000, Alamo Press. ISBN 1-886360-09-X).
You might also want to visit some other churches, just to hear what they have to say. Different churches do not all agree on this subject, and some even minister to gay people as a mission. I recommend visiting an MCC church if there is one near enough (see, www.ufmcc.com for locations). Some other gay-affirming churches are listed at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT-affirming_Christian_denominations
My parents found out I was gay when I was 16. Gave me $100.00 & my backpack. Told never to return or contact them again. That was over 25 years ago. Have not heard from mother, father or 3 siblings since, nor any extended family. Worked very, very hard for many years & am now quite successful financially & personally, with a 10 year relationship & I'm ready to marry as soon as I get my rights back in California. Could not have asked for a better life. Never imagined I could or would have it so well in so many ways. Wouldn't trade places with a single person I know. I'm happy and health and loved.
Years have earned me the deep understanding that I am far better off without people in my life who would choose religion over their own son & brother.
You CAN get through it. It will NOT be easy. Nothing important ever is. But you deserve a happy life. And with time, you can have that.
In all this. Through all the pain that any gay person can testify to. Through all of the violence we face. We can still love. AND WE DO. That can not be taken.
It's the only evidence of God I have ever witnessed in this
On the other hand, I've had manymothers of friends who became to me the mother i had (on paper, at least) but never really had. My friends became my family-- the brothers anfd sisters I had but never had. .
The one thing that gay people have that most straights NEVER have is coming out. We have to look at ourselves,understand ourselves, quesiton everything we've been taught, doubt what other people think. We have to look at our sexuality, think aobut it, confront it. Most straights never do.
my message to young people out there: what everyone thinks of as your greatest weakness is in fact your greatest strength. The thing that other people mindlessly condemn is in fact the finest part of you, but any objective standard. But with great power comes great responsibility. (sorry, couldn't resist, but it's actually true). You want to know what a strong person is? A strong person is a drag queen walking down the street. It's you holding your boyfriend's hand at a restaurant. It's you being willing to face the disapproval, hatred, or rejction form your family in order to tell them the truth, whether or not they are capable of believing it.
I commenting to this discussion because I wanted to know what can I do?
A response would be appreciated.
whyme2010
I read the article and saw your posting at the end, I just wanted to drop you a note. I'm writing because I felt the pulse of a mother who cares for her son.
Being gay and a Christian man, I understand the issues that both you and your son are facing. I also tell you that to tell you what an incredibly fortunate woman you are to have the son you do. You have done a pretty darn good job as your son has confided in you and shared something that is terribly hard for anyone to share with another person, especially with a parent.
You ask "what can I do?". You can do what you have already done so well. Your son was created by a loving and caring Heavenly Father. This is not a choice that your son has made any more than he chose to have blue eyes or be left handed. This is who he is and who he was created to be. The Father creates all kinds of unique and wonderful elements in creation.What you can do is to continue to love and support your son unconditionally, continue to be there for him, continue to believe in him, to expect the best of him, to always be his Mom. You know how to do that already. Value him , care for him, hold him tightly. You'll be so grateful in the long run. He's fortunate to have you.
Best, K
First, congratulate yourself that you have done a good enough job raising him that he confides in you. And thank him for doing so.
Second, stand by him and with him. He is not sick, he is not broken, there is nothing wrong with him. You did nothing "wrong". There are a lot of people out there who wish to harm him, some under the guise of "saving: him, albeit from their own imaginations and fears, and all operating under ignorance, fear, misunderstanfding, and a great love of the power and money that comes from being a part of the anti-gay industry.
Third, educate yourself. PFLAG and GLSEN are good organizations. NARTH and FRC are just plain evil. If you need hep with the religious aspect, go to your local unitarian or United Church of Christ. I would also recommend a book called "Prayers for bobby", by Mary Griffith. She is a bible-believer who lost her son to suicide.
Fourth, if he is being harassed at school, stand up for him and raise hell. document everything and person you talk to. Your son's life and future happiness may literally be at stake. You need only look at your former fatherinlaw's reaction to his son, and where that led.
You can stand with him and support him, or you can reject and try to change him. My parents refused to accept me, and they eventually lost me
Schools can do much to stop bullying and h8tred by having a zero tolerance rule against bullying.
Our schools should be Safe places where our children can grow and learn.
I lost a 14 yr. old sister to suicide 25 yrs. ago. Bullying was part of the problem. When my parents confronted the school, The Administrators said,"It's just part of being a teenager and something they need to learn to deal with themselves."
What adult would put up with being: taunted, spit on, hit, and verbally harrassed on a daily basis in the work place?
Promote a civil society- END BULLYING!
Zero tolerance does not work. There needs to be some tolerance and understanding of the situation.
The schools seem to be pretty safe. These kids are not killing themselves in school. They are being "bullied" in school (which can be violent or non-violent). They are also being bullied outside of school.
Children are dying.
Yep, I agree. There should be zero tolerance for bullying. It has no place anywhere, but especially in school. Kids should be there to learn and not to harass others of whom they do not approve.
with a child coming out. I can only work to make that decision a launch point for further growth. And I can and will work to make sure there is a community ready and willing to embrace those who can take the step to self awareness. Thanks for being a voice for both the LGBT community and the American community.. We can all of us do better by and for our kids.